Just struggling right now

[Vero]

Hi everyone, I just need a place where I could share some thoughts because sometimes life is just overwhelming...on the outside I'm looking fine, I got a new job, I have a group of friends and I would say I'm close to my family, but inside I'm soooo broken...I struggle to maintain my friendships because I have this belief that people don't actually like me, they just put up with me, so I'm tempted to avoid them and have so much anxiety in social situations. I was planning to start therapy for the first time in my life but nothing can change the past or fill the void in my heart so I don't know if it would be worth the effort...Personally I feel like I've moved on and forgave those who have hurt me, but it doesn't fix the anxiety or my self-esteem issues. I try to stay positive but the thought of pushing through life like this every single day seems like too much and I don't know what to do....
How to get to a place of actually enjoying life and having meaningful relationships?

 

[Teasel]

Hi @Vero :) Sorry you're struggling though can understand. I have that core belief that no-one likes me too. And same, makes for a lot of anxiety. Have you been trying to just get on with things without any therapy for long?

Like so there's all sorts of different kinds of therapy depending on what you'd like to get out of it. Do you still have lots of PTSD symptoms as well as the anxiety and feeling of emptiness?

I mean something like CBT therapy you can do for a fairly short period of time without having to even talk about the traumas much if at all and it can help a lot with core beliefs like no one really wants to know me. And it's really good for social anxiety too. Helped both things a lot for me.

Maybe have a think about what you really want to achieve in therapy? And talk it out here? I'm sure people will have good ideas about what might help.

On getting to a place where you're actually enjoying some things again - so like I've been doing group work for people with complex PTSD- the last one was a tree of life group, but you can find the exercise online if you google it. The idea is to help you think about the things that are important to you.

Because traumatic experiences and PTSD can tend to push everything out of our lives except the trauma. And the idea of the tree of life group is to begin thinking about what kinds of good things you want to be able to bring back into your life.

And then after that, I've recently begun an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy group. And that is about teaching us ways to unhook ourselves from all the negative thoughts and emotions that go round and round your brain, so that you are not so controlled by them. So that you can begin to be able to do the kinds of things you want in your life again.

The book The Happiness Trap, Stop Struggling, Start Living by Russ Harris is a very accessible book based on acceptance and commitment therapy if you want to check it out. I'm really enjoying it.

Anyways, understand how you feel, have felt just the same. Do you know what kind of therapy you might want? Or what you'd want from it?

 

[Vero]

Hi @Vero :) Sorry you're struggling though can understand. I have that core belief that no-one likes me too. And same, makes for a lot of anxiety. Have you been trying to just get on with things without any therapy for long?

Like so there's all sorts of different kinds of therapy depending on what you'd like to get out of it. Do you still have lots of PTSD symptoms as well as the anxiety and feeling of emptiness?

I mean something like CBT therapy you can do for a fairly short period of time without having to even talk about the traumas much if at all and it can help a lot with core beliefs like no one really wants to know me. And it's really good for social anxiety too. Helped both things a lot for me.

Maybe have a think about what you really want to achieve in therapy? And talk it out here? I'm sure people will have good ideas about what might help.

On getting to a place where you're actually enjoying some things again - so like I've been doing group work for people with complex PTSD- the last one was a tree of life group, but you can find the exercise online if you google it. The idea is to help you think about the things that are important to you.

Because traumatic experiences and PTSD can tend to push everything out of our lives except the trauma. And the idea of the tree of life group is to begin thinking about what kinds of good things you want to be able to bring back into your life.

And then after that, I've recently begun an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy group. And that is about teaching us ways to unhook ourselves from all the negative thoughts and emotions that go round and round your brain, so that you are not so controlled by them. So that you can begin to be able to do the kinds of things you want in your life again.

The book The Happiness Trap, Stop Struggling, Start Living by Russ Harris is a very accessible book based on acceptance and commitment therapy if you want to check it out. I'm really enjoying it.

Anyways, understand how you feel, have felt just the same. Do you know what kind of therapy you might want? Or what you'd want from it?

Thank you @berlinda for your kind response, it helped me think about therapy more in detail. I managed to get on with things without it, I went to a therapist once some years ago when I couldn't bear the anxiety attacks anymore but he couldn't care less and I didn't go back either. CBT sounds really good but I would also want to talk about the traumas because it still affects my life. My main issue I would say would be that I tend to relieve those experiences in the small situations of everyday life, so for example if a person doesn't show up to a meeting I feel abandoned all over again, or if someone criticises me I react in a very exaggerated way. I tell myself that it's not the same situation, but it doesn't take away the feelings.
The therapy group you started sounds really great at helping people see something more in their lives than the trauma, you are so right it pushes everything out of our lives....

 

[Teasel]

Hey, glad it was of help :) And I was the same re CBT, it really helped with the social anxiety and questioning /weakening the strength of negative thinking but it didn't touch on the trauma stuff. There is CBT for trauma but I've not done that.

It has been good though to learn you can see therapy as something you can layer - rather than going to just one therapist maybe and hoping they can sort everything out. So yeah it's good to learn about the different kinds of therapy and get an idea what they can or can't help with. Also to shop around, if one isn't a good fit for you, to try someone / something else.

My main issue I would say would be that I tend to relieve those experiences in the small situations of everyday life, so for example if a person doesn't show up to a meeting I feel abandoned all over again, or if someone criticises me I react in a very exaggerated way. I tell myself that it's not the same situation, but it doesn't take away the feelings.

I'm just the same actually, though learning techniques like Grounding and so on has been an enormous help in reducing the time and strength of the feelings. Though the abandonment stuff is still something I need to work on more / find out what will help that.

I did find Pete Walker's website really helpful - he has a couple books too, though I found the website better, contains all the info and less repetitive than the books if you want to take a look.

Anyways hope you can begin finding out what it is you want and will work for you :)

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Vero - I agree with @berlinda.

I went to a therapist once some years ago when I couldn't bear the anxiety attacks anymore but he couldn't care less and I didn't go back either. CBT sounds really good but I would also want to talk about the traumas because it still affects my life.

I reckon if you want to see some long term, long lasting results you are going to need more than just a one off visit. I also question if that therapist really did think that or perhaps was it you doing a little bit of mind reading? Either way going and sticking with it might be beneficial too.

 

[Vero]

Hey @Vero - I agree with @berlinda.



I reckon if you want to see some long term, long lasting results you are going to need more than just a one off visit. I also question if that therapist really did think that or perhaps was it you doing a little bit of mind reading? Either way going and sticking with it might be beneficial too.

The reason I said that therapist didn't care about my issues was that after I shared with him what I was going through he went on explaining me the difference between sprite and other types of soda and why people buy more one product that another, it had absolutely nothing to do with my problem. ? Then he told me we could meet and read through some books together to see if my symptoms match those diagnosis (isn't he supposed to know that already?) and other type of crazy... So yeah, didn't really help...

 

[Teasel]

Also, finding the right therapist can be a bit like kissing a lot of frogs till you find the prince. And it can be really painful to get your hopes up that you're gonna get the help you desperately need if your hopes are dashed. I know I have found it like that. But it's easier now because I know there are so many options that help. And if therapy really isn't working with someone I try something else.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yeah @berlinda is right - there are plenty of idiots out there hanging a shingle over their door claiming to be therapists.... and then there are just as many qualified ones too. Work out what you most need from a therapist. Ask your gp or make a list of those that are affordable and reasonably close to your home and start ringing. Be prepared to walk away if you do encounter an idiot. Have your questions ready, things like price, experience etc.,

I don't blame you for being put off by your soda therapist - sounds like he may have had a major in marketing not psychology. Try again but like everything where you are the client, be prepared to decline their offering if they seem dodgy. Hopefully you won't meet too many like him again.

 

[Vero]

Yeah @berlinda is right - there are plenty of idiots out there hanging a shingle over their door claiming to be therapists.... and then there are just as many qualified ones too. Work out what you most need from a therapist. Ask your gp or make a list of those that are affordable and reasonably close to your home and start ringing. Be prepared to walk away if you do encounter an idiot. Have your questions ready, things like price, experience etc.,

I don't blame you for being put off by your soda therapist - sounds like he may have had a major in marketing not psychology. Try again but like everything where you are the client, be prepared to decline their offering if they seem dodgy. Hopefully you won't meet too many like him again.

Thanks for the encouragement, I think I will start searching for a therapist because in the end I do need help... But I'm not going to pay someone that is just killing time talking about stupid stuff.
I had a more positive experience with a mentor to whom I told my story, but he was not ready for it and was overwhelmed, it made me wonder "Oh my gosh, is my life so terrible that someone is crying just by listening to me?" And it was too much too fast for me too because I had a lot of denial going on and talking about things out loud hit me hard.
I wish to go slowly with a professional that can help me process certain experiences and not let them rule my life.

 

[pam4him]

You have the answer in your post - therapy. It sounds like you have forgiven and moved on, but letting go can take some work. And could be what's feeding the anxiety and low self-esteem. You are right, it cant' change the past, but it can change how you process the trauma and anxiety, help you find good coping skills when feeling anxious or feeling overly negative about yourself. Please reconsider starting therapy. I hear strength and a great start on processing in your post, and therapy could get you through that valley and headed uphill to inner peace. Prayers for your journey, for peace and wisdom as you proceed.

 

[Vero]

Update: I booked my first therapy appointment for next week. I chose a female therapist who says on her website she has experience in working with trauma and anxiety, which is what I was searching for. I'm nervous but also very excited to start, I hope she will be a good fit. :) Because of my work schedule I will be able to see her only later in the evening, I hope I won't be too tired to focus.
Anyway, I'm glad I made the first step of what I want to be a healing journey of putting myself back together.

 

[Teasel]

Good for you :)