Feeling triggered by people's questions

[Eliza]

Hi all,

I have been feeling pretty stable for the past year or so, but recently somebody at work found out I had witnessed an attack, and keeps asking questions about it. It came around because of a discussion about forgiveness, and I told her that I had worked hard on not clinging on to anger. Then once she had found out, the questions have been pretty much constant.

How close were you?
Did you see people die?
How long did it take you to recover?
Is it like when soldiers have shell shock?
Do you still have flashbacks?

It started out as if she wanted to know to be caring, but now it feels like some morbid interest, and she brings almost every conversation back to it, and it's starting to feel a little bit triggering.

Do you have any advice on telling someone to butt out, without being rude? She's a work colleague, so I don't want to upset her. But I spent yesterday night having flashbacks and panic attacks, and I am really struggling to cope now.

 

[Chris-duck]

Honestly, if she's just a work colleague it's pretty rude that's she's asking. It's perfectly okay to just say "I don't want to discuss this" and change the convo. It's none of their business.

 

[somerandomguy]

You do not owe anyone any kind of explanation. It's OK to say, in a neutral tone of voice, "That is a rude question." Because it IS a rude question. If you can manage to say that without anger and then refuse to discuss it any further, that might help. Just my $0.02.

 

[Eliza]

Thanks both. I feel slightly awkward telling her, as she has a habit of taking things the wrong way, and will potentially get all haughty and insulted by it. But if it's that or keeping reliving the attacks and having anxiety attacks, I know which I would rather do! Have you found people's nosiness problematic? I think people were walking on eggshells around me for quite a long time after the attacks, but maybe people are thinking, "she's over it" now, and can ask their annoying intrusive questions... or maybe it's just her being annoying!

I would normally talk to my closer workmates about it, but they are off at the moment, and I don't want to bother them with it when they are away, and my mum is away on holiday, and I would normally talk to her about my anxieties. So I'm feeling a little lost at the moment. I feel like I need a hug and a cry!

 

[Mee]

You could quote Tarana Burke? ‘ No one is owed the details of your trauma’.

It’s simple, true and to the point. It’s not accusing her of anything but plainly draws a line under the fact she is trying to get something from you that you are not obligated to provide.

Further more I think I would be inclined to document incidents of her persistence over this. If it did have a negative impact over time you might want to be able to show the number of times your health need was ignored in the workplace and that you had reminded your coworker politely but firmly that it was not appropriate. It almost certainly will not; but I find that documenting things almost always prevents that for me; maybe because I feel some control?

 

[DharmaGirl]

I've always been told to answer "why do you ask?" to rude questions.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Hi all,

I have been feeling pretty stable for the past year or so, but recently somebody at work found out I had witnessed an attack, and keeps asking questions about it. It came around because of a discussion about forgiveness, and I told her that I had worked hard on not clinging on to anger. Then once she had found out, the questions have been pretty much constant.

How close were you?
Did you see people die?
How long did it take you to recover?
Is it like when soldiers have shell shock?
Do you still have flashbacks?

It started out as if she wanted to know to be caring, but now it feels like some morbid interest, and she brings almost every conversation back to it, and it's starting to feel a little bit triggering.

Do you have any advice on telling someone to butt out, without being rude? She's a work colleague, so I don't want to upset her. But I spent yesterday night having flashbacks and panic attacks, and I am really struggling to cope now.

Now I'm sometimes really bold, and not mousy. In my bold moments, I believe she's asking for a reason....possibly herself.....
ask her right out if she's had any substantial trauma in her life....turn the tables and listen to her. If she says yes, use your filter....and stop telling her details....tell her where to get help......be compassionate and empathize....but don't get hooked in emotionally or be her therapist. If she says no to having had trauma....then she's just likely a gossiping......and then say nothing and don't answer her questions. Tell her bluntly, that you would prefer not to discuss it anymore.....and draw that boundary line......and don't cave. Good luck!

 

[Mee]

@TruthSeeker , wow. That’s a great lesson; I would not have leapt there for her perhaps seeking a validation for a trauma experience ; thank you for the reminder in open mindedness and not thinking the worst. I needed that today .

 

[Mach123]

I'm better at getting out of stuff like this but honestly I'd get rid of that fast for self preservation. IDk what the politics are like at your work but it sounds like what turns into psychological bullying. (Sometimes) Morbidly interested like you said? First id just refuse to talk about it at all anymore. Just clam up and see how that goes first, maybe she has a reason for asking this will give her a chance to tell you or ask if she is too much? I hope it goes ok. I'm getting better with this a little but I also.get triggered then forget it.

 

[Lionheart]

I usually answer with "I don't want to talk about that." or "I don't want to discuss it." ...if all else fails I ignore them and change the subject simply refusing to talk about it.

I agree that you don't owe anyone an explanation and I wish you luck with it.

 

[Deanna]

I've always been told to answer "why do you ask?" to rude questions.

I would say, " Why is this important to you?" Mainly, I think she is being more nosey than rude. She's trying to make conversation and be nosey at the same time.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@TruthSeeker , wow. That’s a great lesson; I would not have leapt there for her perhaps seeking a validation for a trauma experience ; thank you for the reminder in open mindedness and not thinking the worst. I needed that today .

Your welcome.....but I really recommend that if she's gossipy, be bold and pretend you can't hear her (ignore) or be blunt and say that's not a topic you want to discuss. Either way, you need to shut the conversation down and try politely first....for your protection.