The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

No worries! It's really interesting to hear what people from other countries think and see about us. I lived overseas in places where Americans weren't terribly popular so it's always nice to hear that some places still like us :)

I used to resent Americans. I didn't like the previous administrations at all. And like I said, grew up lefty, so was taught to hate Americans by default.

I did read a lot though, always have, and so much of what I was inspired by, came out of the US.

It's only since Trump, that I've gotten really excited and interested by what's happening over there. Despite the extreme divisions and political unrest of the present climate, I truly believe in the American people and the values of generosity, individual effort and courage, free speech, and the importance of a fair and balanced judicial system, which I see exemplified by honest and bright US citizens everyday.

And just so you know, @somerandomguy I only, very recently, in the last four months, or so, discovered the Q movement and started looking into the Q drops, but yes, it does tie into a lot of what I've been draw to and interested in, in the last 20 years or so.

I wish things weren't so polarized over there. It didn't make sense to me, the vitriol towards Trump, before he even had a chance to prove himself, he'd already been trialled and convicted by the msm and hollywood elites.

And sure, I thought he was as obnoxious as the next person, when he was a mere "Bossman" in the Apprentice, but I didn't think it right to prejudge him before he had shown what he was made of.

As it happens, when I found out his stance on pedophilia and warmongering, I was even more impressed.

I couldn't stands the Bush's, was unimpressed by Bill Clinton and hugely dissappointed in Obama, so I didn't understand why people went off the deep end about Trump, when you had had some hideous, leaders in the past (IMO) and no one kicked up such a stink about them.

It just seemed undemocratic to me and I believe in democracy more than I hate boorish billionaires who pose a threat to the "way things have previously been done".

He's a wild card, no doubt about that, but so far, I think your country, and the world, at large, is better off for having him in office. I was truly afraid of imminent WW3 under Hillary Clinton. That woman is a frightening powermonger, and a psychopathic liar, to me, and I was SO RELIEVED when she didn't get in. Like many US citizens, I disliked and feared her, more than I actively supported the Trump meister.

And I was insulted that she thought she could run on being a female, more than actual common sense, being pro the little people and building national security and prosperity.

So yeah, I am, currently, an Amerophile. I love your country. My daughter loved it, and has native American ancestry, on her father's side, apparently, it is believable, that my ex is 1/4 or something Native American, but no blood test to confirm it, yet, and now my family is even more connected, by virtue of my oldest daughter visiting NYC and she said she definitely going back so yeah, I love you guys and I love your country.

 

[mumstheword]

I was so scared last night and this morning, of coming here. I thought I was going to be totally hated on, shunned and rejected and vilified.

I'm glad I plucked up the courage to, as it wasn't bad, like I anticipated it would be.

I'm always surprised when people don't hate on me and reject me, in disgust.

I've raised this in my thread - shunnable etc.

My dad doesn't hate me either. I am always surprised when he wants to know me too.

With my guy, it still thrills me and surprises me that he keeps loving me and wanting to be with me.

It's a weird thing. I'm glad I don't take it for granted, it makes me happier, because, everyday, I'm.pleasantly surprised at not being hated on or discarded.

I am terrified of him rejecting me and despising me, but it hasn't happened yet and next May, it will be 10 years since we started our relationship.

 

[Freida]

was so scared last night and this morning, of coming here. I thought I was going to be totally hated on, shunned and rejected and vilified.

Yep. That's how America is these days. Either agree or you're an enemy. I've lost conservative friends because I'm not a fan of trump and liberal friends because I dont hate him enough.

It's a no win situation. :(
Luckily I'm not in the "angry because they dont agree camp" so no shunning from me! :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Yep. That's how America is these days. Either agree or you're an enemy. I've lost conservative friends because I'm not a fan of trump and liberal friends because I dont hate him enough.

It's a no win situation. :(
Luckily I'm not in the "angry because they dont agree camp" so no shunning from me! :hug:

It's a sad situation. I hope things get more reasonable.

I admit, I ghosted my trauma release exercise teacher, in 2017 when.she insisted Trump was "evil".

It just creeped me out because she provided no real reason or rationale for that assertion, other than "He's sexist".

I'm the kind of person who needs real evidence, not just hearsay, about people.

So people who just believe hearsay, well I don't really trust them anymore. I've had horrible things said about me, "smear campaign" by a narcissist (my ex) and so I'm sensitive about the language that narcassists use and I lose trust in the kind of people who are manipulatable by that language.

It's a trigger.
When you have your life so nearly destroyed by a narcissist, it becomes a red flag, to be subject to the attempt to use "triangulation" and to draw you in to hate someone by using vague allegations and loaded language to manipulate you into a negative reaction to that person.

My ex tried to get my kid's doc to believe I was a "psychopath", luckily for me, she didn't buy it, and told me, with much concern.

But other's have subject me to my ex's framing of me.

Now, I just won't accept any prejudices without due evidence, having experienced how rubbish that feels, to be on the receiving end.

 

[mumstheword]

What's really bothering me is my breakdown of recently-reestablished communication with my oldest son.

His handle on his own communication tech is partly at fault, as he has locked himself out of his ph, forgotten his password, and so wouldn't have received the texts I sent on his birthday and after.
I know I should have called him though, so really, it's on me.

I'm really beating myself up about this and it's not making things any easier.

It's really hard to push through my resistance to call my own child.

A lot if it is that he's just so aligned with his Dad, is the spitting image of him and, well, takes after him in ways, I won't even go into, although my son feels remorse, he's not actually any kind of narc or psychopath.

He says he loves me, but I'm not the most trusting of people AND I feel like I've let him down, bigtime, and the guilt and shame are really, seriously uncomfortable.

It's got to do with his Dad. If only I could get past my extreme aversion to anything to do with him.

 

[mumstheword]

My big thing lately is just this kinda yelling inner part, that's just continually yelling "Just leave me alone! I just want to be left alone!!"

Paradoxically, when the fire threat was most heightened and my guy and I were stressing at each other and he just took off, for two days in a row, I fell apart, badly.

I hid from my Dad, in the garden, in a fetal position, totally broken down and when my guy came back to grab his bag, I threw myself on him and begged and grovelled and howled at him "Don't leave me, please don't leave me".

I was a total broken down mess and I did start feeling a little suicidal, but I WON'T let myself go there, coz, kids.

He didn't leave, but the next day it happened again. I didn't fall apart quite so badly, I talked to my dad. Told him, that I was so confused because my guy just doesn't do that. We TALK about stuff. But actually, sometimes, my guy does take off to cool down and, emotionally, I don't handle it well, ever. It triggers my abandonment crapola.

So ... I want to be "left alone" but I'm terrified and fall completely apart at anything that triggers my abandonment fear.

Talk about conflicted.

I'm being propped up, by my fellow sufferer, who's pretty vulnerable and not super, well, I might add, isn't in therapy, drinks every night, is avoiding, stuff, I know it, but he's been through SO MUCH, had so many people try to kill him, frame him, long term abuse like me, stabbed in the neck, has a brain injury from being beaten to near death, is still estranged from his youngest child, who's mother is a nightmare of a woman.

So, I'm not going to give him a bad time about a few tequilas and/or beers a night.

I feel distant from my inner Christ experience at the.moment, coz, I feel I haven't any space to go there. But I did pray about this situation with my oldest son, in the shower, this morning, because it's too big for me to deal with, right now.

I don't even feel I have space to do yoga at the mo, need to push through that and create the space, my practise is my grounding, necessity, and gives me so much, I just have to push through and find the space and strength to do a 30 min routine or something. Maybe just even restorative yoga will do.

 

[Sideways]

I just have to push through and find the space and strength to do a 30 min routine or something

5 sun salutes is my go-to. Just enough to open the lungs, and sometimes, just as a bonus, it's enough to help me decide to do something else that day, something other than hiding where it feels safe.

You will get through this. Put you and your needs first for a while, be gentle with yourself, and when you can't do real life? Know that you can come here, and you will never be truly alone:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Thanks @Sideways. I had a really, really tough evening.
I did get some restorative yoga done, but my two really not well son's came over, and I had to stop before I wanted to. One in.the midst of a psychotic break and the other fighting SI.
I handled that ok, but when my guy and son had a blue, at dinner time, well, that had me very undone.
I have taken two diazapam. Not proud of that, but it helped me parent my kid, and I'm hoping, sleep now.
Massively, extremely, triggered. Very, very painful, frightening...
I think things will be ok. I hope so.
This was very hard going.
Thank you peeps, for being here. I love you guys.

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling better this morning, pretty groggy and fog-brainy, but emotionally stable.

I have the place to.myself this morning. Yay!!!! :-) My guy has gone to drive my youngest daughter and her bf in to the next town to pick up a fish, from the post office. They buy fish online. They are aquarium enthusiasts. My guy shares this interest, he used to breed rainbow fish and has even had octopi, so they have a good ole time chatting fish and fish care.
I love that he enjoys my daughters, he really likes helping them out.

This is one thing I can't get my head around about feminism. Can they not see that most guys feel protective of women and are far more likely to serve/help/want to please women, than they do other men?

It feels like a movement of spoilt women who can never get enough power and preferential treatment, while completely ignoring how much women are catered for and to, in our society.

Not so in Islam though.

It's frustrating because imagined crimes and oppression dilute and cover up real crimes and oppression.

My mum took me away from my dad and exposed me to depravity, drug use, violence, sexual immorality, homelessness, crazy people, cults, welfare-dependant entitlement lifestyle, pedophiles, no community, no stability, no consideration, she physically assaulted and abused me, everyday emotional abuse and neglect, just your everyday borderline cluster B clusterfck, because she could, because she felt entitled, because "woman power" because what SHE wanted to do was all that mattered, because "women are sooooo oppressed" and so they should disregard whatever the men they are connected to want, after all, men are the problem, because
"patriarchy" = evil, which means "men" = bad and do everything you can to extract what you can out of them while disregarding and disrespecting them and everything they have done and do so for you.
The "patriarchy" is not "men", it is a classist and corrupt cabal of families and institutions that blindsights the rest of us, that has, endlessly, cooked up wars for boys and men (and now women too) and many, many women have contributed to these psychopaths doing the evil power-invested things they do, after all women bare and raise men, they have power in the home, in a very real way, we are, and always have been complicit.

One way women have always wielded power is through their sexuality. Men want sex and can and are manipulated by women everyday, to get it. But sure, historically, we were caught up in an endless cycle of pregnancies and baby having (a bit like me, personally, to date 11 pregnancies and counting). Now, things, in the West, are very different, we have achieved enormous liberation and political power. And yet, the left use that political power to glorify Islam AND feminism and LGBT rights, how does that even work?????

 

[Freida]

I'm not a big feminist but in the states there are still many, many ways women are regarded as less than men. Way to many employers pay women less for doing the same job. I think it's still 80 cents for every dollar a man makes, or they refuse to hire older women, or won't promote them, there's no paid maternity leave, many employers refuse to even offer sick leave so staying home to take care of a kid is a day without pay blah blah blah. Women are expected to work because very few families can get by on one paycheck these days, and then still take care of the home. Guys are getting better about helping but it's no where near 50/50.

And then there is the health care debate...Viagra is free but birth control is often not covered by insurance, too many of our women still die in childbirth, insurance companies charge more for women's health care than mens, the list goes on. The assault rates are staggering in colleges and most girls don't feel safe enough to report them, domestic violence is a huge problem and the rate of single moms continues to climb because guys bail on them the minute they get pregnant. We even have the Pink Tax....additional taxes on the exact same products simply because they are marketed to women. And it's entirely legal.

I don't agree with most of what the radical feminist do and believe but there is still a huge problem in this country that women need to be aware of and be willing to fight for because that the only way to stop it. We need more power in the places that count... like Congress, or as CEOs or judges, lawyers, doctors,etc. Places women have incredibly hard time accessing because they get passed over because, as more than one of my female friends have been told, " well you are going to have babies and quit so it makes more sense to promote Joe". Ya. 2019 and that's still happening...even though technically it's illegal

And as far as the sleeping your way to the top thing?. That's just flat our insulting to those of us who spent our lives working our asses off in a man's world and dealing with decades of sexual harassment and ignorance along the way just to prove we were as competent as they are.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm not a big feminist but in the states there are still many, many ways women are regarded as less than men. Way to many employers pay women less for doing the same job. I think it's still 80 cents for every dollar a man makes, or they refuse to hire older women, or won't promote them, there's no paid maternity leave, many employers refuse to even offer sick leave so staying home to take care of a kid is a day without pay blah blah blah. Women are expected to work because very few families can get by on one paycheck these days, and then still take care of the home. Guys are getting better about helping but it's no where near 50/50.

And then there is the health care debate...Viagra is free but birth control is often not covered by insurance, too many of our women still die in childbirth, insurance companies charge more for women's health care than mens, the list goes on. The assault rates are staggering in colleges and most girls don't feel safe enough to report them, domestic violence is a huge problem and the rate of single moms continues to climb because guys bail on them the minute they get pregnant. We even have the Pink Tax....additional taxes on the exact same products simply because they are marketed to women. And it's entirely legal.

I don't agree with most of what the radical feminist do and believe but there is still a huge problem in this country that women need to be aware of and be willing to fight for because that the only way to stop it. We need more power in the places that count... like Congress, or as CEOs or judges, lawyers, doctors,etc. Places women have incredibly hard time accessing because they get passed over because, as more than one of my female friends have been told, " well you are going to have babies and quit so it makes more sense to promote Joe". Ya. 2019 and that's still happening...even though technically it's illegal

And as far as the sleeping your way to the top thing?. That's just flat our insulting to those of us who spent our lives working our asses off in a man's world and dealing with decades of sexual harassment and ignorance along the way just to prove we were as competent as they are.

These issues are complex and it's ok that we are not going to see eye to eye on them. That's ok. I used to be, very much, in the feminist camp, read Germaine Greer, Marilyn French, went to uni, studied "gender, sex and culture", tried to compete out in the world and prove myself, I was amazing but didn't get credit or pay, was exploited, financially and in just about every way imaginable, by men AND women, incidentally, so I get where you are coming from and I don't prescribe to feminist ideology anymore, but I'm grateful for liberated women and good men everywhere.

I count myself as a "liberated women" but don't think the "gender pay gap" is legal, even though it's touted as one of the main justifications that feminists use to maintain their stance. There are factors involved that impact on money paid to men and women that are not included in their arguments, but doing the same job and getting less for it based on your biology? Is illegal.

Women abuse too, and there are no refuges for men who are stuck in domestic abuse relationships. My partner is one, he has had his head nearly chopped off by an ex swinging a shovel at his head/neck, had his children taken out of state so he no longer had contact with, the same children who would scream everytime he left them with their mother as court mandated, had that same ex cook up a story about him "stalking" her that won in court, as well as many other accusations that were just believed in court, because, here in Australia "women are always believed, well 99% of the time anyway .

Another ex tried to run him over, she got him charged with battery and banned from the town his daughter lived in. He still doesn't get to see his daughter. I know him, he would never touch a women.

Married men used to get paid more so that their wives could stay home and be full-time mums, which is proven to lead to healthier outcomes for children, to have parents who actually have time to parent, rather than two parents who have to work, as is the fashion these days.

I worked when my children were in my womb and would get up the next day and be back working (gigging, recording etc) within a week or so after a birth to go back to work. I believed that I would be "letting down the feminist team" if I didn't work constantly and juggle parenting at the same time. Not better for me, my health, or my children's wellbeing.

"Patriarchy" didn't make me do it, "feminism" compelled me to do it, or be judged as lesser and just a breeder.

More men are homeless than women, men suffer death by violence in greater numbers than women, more men commit suicide than women, men usually work way more hours than women, more men are estranged from their children than women, and if there is "rape culture", it's mainly in prisons and more men are victims, and in catholic churches and young boys are the majority of victims, and in Islam, NOT the West, where rape is ILLEGAL.
And I wasn't talking about sleeping your way to the top, I was pointing out that women have sexual power, we are not inherently victims. Personally? I was always hopeless at weilding it, just got predated on, but then I had read all the cannonised feminist books of my day and was invested in and resigned to being automatically victimed because of "female", throw in Aspie and cptsd and you have a recipe for extreme disadvantage and exploitation and marginalization. But I won't adhere to the doctrine that doesn't acknowledge that disadvantage and victimization are not gendered, that it's about class and a loving, supportive family that gives advantages, far more than this divisive gender rhetoric that shames men for being men and refuses to acknowledged how advantaged ALL of us in the West are, that we are, by far and large, the LEAST sexist and discriminatory culture/cultures that have EVER existed, maybe bar some that practised slavery like the Spartans, but gave Spartan women ownership and power over their household in the event of their men dying in battle (which would have happened plenty).

 

[mumstheword]

I am angry. I keep it under wraps but I am actually a pretty angry women.
My mother was/is a very angry, resentful, constant victim, no matter what.
My step mother was a bitter, insecure, mean spirited women.
My grandmother's were angry, resentful, bitter women.
I'm angry that I was constantly subject to it.
I'm hurt that I was raised with such anger, such pushing away, such judgey, bitchy heartlessness, assaults, shaming, selfishness, narcissism.
That they were constant victims, no matter how cushy, middle class, comfortable, catered for and how much power they weilded over me, my beloved dad's (bio dad and step dad), my grandfathers, my siblings. They were malignancy dissatisfied.

It HURTS that they didn't love me, that they shamed everyone around them, that they oppressed, narsissistically, to the point where their emotional abuse caused us to become suicidal, cast out, chronically depressed (mainly my dad, step dad and me, but also my sibs; and my graddads were silent sufferers, mere shadows of men).

That my granddads and stepdad were slowly killed by the spirit and morale destroying poison of their selfish, manipulative, spoiltness.

English women, my mum, my Nana and "Pat" who I wasn't allowed to call grandmother. Yes, I guess everyone was pretty traumatized from WW2, but does that mean they had to be so heartless?
My Dad's dad I really loved. My Dad's Dad, my step dad (even though he threatened to kill me with a hack saw once and lost control and beat me and my mother, once) my Dad, they were all good men. They didn't deserve the treatment they were subject to by their wives. My other grandfather I didnt know at all.

We only visited my grandmother Pat and grandfather Paul a couple of times, but I don't remember him talking to me at all. I remember my grandmother "Pat" terrified me.

I am deeply wounded at my core, cut off from my female line, from any security, nurturance, self esteem.that comes from loving maternality, maternalness. It is very very saddening for me.
I am wounded from it.
I am a cast away in my own family.
Cut adrift.
I am angry and hurt that I missed out on maternal love.

How do I become an empowered women when I am so alienated by and from my female family members?

I want to visit my maybe-one day mother in law. She is lovely. I want to adopt her and be adopted by her. She lives a long way away though.