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Relationship Advice needed please, my girlfriend has PTSD.

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Thank you, that's makes a lot of sense. Its just hard because im a really sensitive emotionally charged guy. My poor lady has been through such a lot in her life and all I want is for her to feel safe and loved and cared for by me but when we are at odds she says it brings up her bad memories so im forced to just contain my insecurities and hurting. if only we had a magic wand eh. x
 
all I want is for her to feel safe and loved and cared for by me
Sufferer here .... This ^^^ is problematic for me. No one can make me feel safe. Not hubby, not family, not friends. I don't ever feel safe - it's just the nature of my pstd. So people who try to blather on about how they are the one person in the world who can? Ya - that pushes me straight into isolation.

ptsd often comes with a complete lack of trust - in anyone. It's not a reflection of the people around me. It's the part of me that has been broken. So if I am with people who NEED me to trust them? It's not going to work. That's a kind of needy I can't handle. The people in my world have to be able to function on their own because isolation is a huge part of how I handle stress. I can't fill that role in their world.

Its just hard because im a really sensitive emotionally charged guy.
This would make me run. I can't handle my own emotions - I certainly can't handle my SOs. If I'm forever double checking what I say or how I say it or what I do because I might upset someone who is sensitive? ya -- nope. That is way to much work for me to handle.

PTSD is hell on supporters - I have no idea how they do it. But if you read the long term supporter diarys you will find that they are tough people who can handle an amazing amount of crisis. They are also very confident in their boundaries of what they will and won't tolorate from their sufferer.

If you truly want to be in a relationship with someone with ptsd, and you are sensitive by nature, it might help to find a therapist to work on some coping skills so it doesnt make you nuts. Because we can be a nightmare. Not intentionally -- its' just how it works.
 
Sufferer here .... This ^^^ is problematic for me. No one can make me feel safe. Not hubby, not family, not friends. I don't ever feel safe - it's just the nature of my pstd. So people who try to blather on about how they are the one person in the world who can? Ya - that pushes me straight into isolation.

ptsd often comes with a complete lack of trust - in anyone. It's not a reflection of the people around me. It's the part of me that has been broken. So if I am with people who NEED me to trust them? It's not going to work. That's a kind of needy I can't handle. The people in my world have to be able to function on their own because isolation is a huge part of how I handle stress. I can't fill that role in their world.


This would make me run. I can't handle my own emotions - I certainly can't handle my SOs. If I'm forever double checking what I say or how I say it or what I do because I might upset someone who is sensitive? ya -- nope. That is way to much work for me to handle.

PTSD is hell on supporters - I have no idea how they do it. But if you read the long term supporter diarys you will find that they are tough people who can handle an amazing amount of crisis. They are also very confident in their boundaries of what they will and won't tolorate from their sufferer.

If you truly want to be in a relationship with someone with ptsd, and you are sensitive by nature, it might help to find a therapist to work on some coping skills so it doesnt make you nuts. Because we can be a nightmare. Not intentionally -- its' just how it works.
Aaah thank you so much for that, it does, explain things a bit more. I'm very new to all this so it's a huge learning curve for me. Other than a therapist can you offer any personal Do's and Don'ts? My lady has suffered so much in the past yknow and I just want to try and build a solid platform for us both.
 
can you offer any personal Do's and Don'ts?
Do be honest with yourself and your girlfriend.
Don't allow her to walk all over you and the things important to you "because PTSD".
Do take time for deep reflection about if this is the best relationship for you. It is ok and possible to love someone deeply and simultaneously know it cannot be a healthy relationship for both parties. It is ok and healthy to not be the martyr every day.
Don't lose yourself in her mental illness.
Do take time to stop thinking about her and what shes going through and do some self-care.
 
Do be honest with yourself and your girlfriend.
Don't allow her to walk all over you and the things important to you "because PTSD".
Do take time for deep reflection about if this is the best relationship for you. It is ok and possible to love someone deeply and simultaneously know it cannot be a healthy relationship for both parties. It is ok and healthy to not be the martyr every day.
Don't lose yourself in her mental illness.
Do take time to stop thinking about her and what shes going through and do some self-care.
Thank you, I suppose its about talking to eachother and trying to find a mutual ground isn't it. I know that I may need to just walk away but I genuinely don't want that and I'm not at that stage anyway. All her life this lady has had people give up on her and I don't want to give up on her.
 
I don't want to give up on her.
That's a noble sentiment....but if you're looking out for her....who's gonna look out for you?

I'm absolutely not saying to leave her. I am saying to do self-reflection about if she is capable of being a good partner for you. A relationship consists of 2 people putting effort into each other. If she can't do that it's not healthy or fair for you. It's not healthy or ok for you to only give and never receive. If you're honest with yourself and see that fulfilling your needs is not something she is capable of, then it would be wise to not engage in a romantic relationship with her and perhaps support her in a different way. It wouldnt be giving up on her....it would be taking care of yourself because you are the only one that can do that.

I am also dating someone with PTSD. You can read my diary to see the many many crossroads I have hit along the way. What I had to so was physically make a list of what I wanted out of a romantic relationship, what my boyfriend gives to me, and what I (think I) give to my boyfriend. It helped me ensure to myself that he is capable of giving me what I need and what I deserve. Most of the time...yes he is capable. But there are times, like right now during the holidays, that he cannot. And it's very hard. And if come January he still cannot give me what I need, then I will have to re-evaluate our relationship.
 
Aaah thank you so much for that, it does, explain things a bit more. I'm very new to all this so it's a huge learning curve for me. Other than a therapist can you offer any personal Do's and Don'ts? My lady has suffered so much in the past yknow and I just want to try and build a solid platform for us both.
I
Don't try to romanticize it. I see a lot of new supporters who want to "save" us and it just doesn't work that way. You can't save her from herself. She has to be willing to do the work to save herself, then you can support her along the way.
This thread might help..... Its lots of conversations from both the supporter and suffers side

What are they thinking

My best advice? Listen to the long term supporters. Because when it comes down to it this is about you - not her. She will do whatever she decides to do - it's up to you to decide if you can live that way.
 
I think you should break up with her. I don’t think it’s her PTSD, I think it’s her personality. And it sounds like she isn’t treating you the way you want to be treated. Yes PTSD is hard to deal with, but what if your girlfriend never changes. Do you want to deal with her personality issues for the rest of your life? There are more fish in the sea buddy.
 
any personal Do's and Don'ts?
General - Important Supporter Information for all things Supporter.

For personal do’s/don’ts? You’ll have to talk with your lady. Because we’re all very different, individually. PTSD isn’t a personality disorder, our personalities vary tremendously, and what’s a do not for one person, is a yes, please! for another.
 
I think you should break up with her. I don’t think it’s her PTSD, I think it’s her personality. And it sounds like she isn’t treating you the way you want to be treated. Yes PTSD is hard to deal with, but what if your girlfriend never changes. Do you want to deal with her personality issues for the rest of your life? There are more fish in the sea buddy.
You could be right but as yet I'm not ready to throw in my towel... Time will tell I suppose eh..
 
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