Piecing things together

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

Regardless whether you feel like a broken record, there's always someone here who will listen if you feel like venting or talking.

 

[HealingMama]

:hug:

Regardless whether you feel like a broken record, there's always someone here who will listen if you feel like venting or talking.

?
Thank you it's so embarrassing to keep looping through this crap. Nice to hear there's one person that isn't judging me.

 

[HealingMama]

Tired of fighting. Tired of contempt. Tired of a 50/50 chance that he will do what he promises even with "scaffolding" and then I'm not allowed to be upset about it. I'm not allowed to be anxious about him doing something he agreed to do when I come in the room and see him playing a game on his phone.

We had one day of things being decent then his ADHD and my inability to be a robot about it causes issues and he just absolutely trashes everything. He doesn't do anything to protect the marriage so a problem can be worked through. He blame shifts, sneers, doesn't try to understand at all. Doesn't find his way to humility. Then he's so damn avoidant.

Last night he told me to grow up when his actions make him a perpetual teenager. He apologized with contempt in his voice. How much is that supposed to even count. He mocked me. He's not performing at basic relationship contribution levels but I'm the problem.

How do you feel safe with someone that is only 50/50 going to do what they say they will do?

How do I keep trying with someone that treats me with contempt?

Why do I even want to?

 

[HealingMama]

Blah blah blah I think my marriage is ending. I've held on as long as I have due to my trauma issues. Control. If I am in control then I can single handedly fix my marriage.

But I can't.

I found a post from two years ago where I was upset about the same things I'm upset about now.

I've made so many mistakes here but bottom line we aren't a good match and our kid is getting old enough to notice the tension.

We talk more about separating early next week. I don't know how I'm going to manage an out of state move, a new job, and being newly single ish. But it can't possibly be more stressful than navigating a marriage that turns bad every time I try to have an emotionally oriented connected moment.

I think we both need a reset. In another group someone was shocked that I talked myself out of feeling contempt for my partner, because his behavior towards me in the history of the relationship has been awful.

What is wrong with me that I am so willing to accept and fight for awful with moments of mediocre? Why can't I just lighten up? Oh yeah interpersonal trauma.

 

[HealingMama]

Blah blah blah I think my marriage is ending. I've held on as long as I have due to my trauma issues. Control. If I am in control then I can single handedly fix my marriage.

But I can't.

I found a post from two years ago where I was upset about the same things I'm upset about now.

I've made so many mistakes here but bottom line we aren't a good match and our kid is getting old enough to notice the tension.

We talk more about separating early next week. I don't know how I'm going to manage an out of state move, a new job, and being newly single ish. But it can't possibly be more stressful than navigating a marriage that turns bad every time I try to have an emotionally oriented connected moment.

I think we both need a reset. In another group someone was shocked that I talked myself out of feeling contempt for my partner, because his behavior towards me in the history of the relationship has been awful.

What is wrong with me that I am so willing to accept and fight for awful with moments of mediocre? Why can't I just lighten up? Oh yeah interpersonal trauma.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[Jade-]

I was hoping when I popped in here I might read something different but I see things are still the same.

It doesn't sound like your marriage is ending it sounds like it's been over with for a long time.

I understand holding on,I understand trying so hard to change things and make it work. I've done that myself. But,maybe it's time to just accept what is and find a way to move on and move forward?

Don't you believe you deserve better and to be happy?

 

[HealingMama]

I was hoping when I popped in here I might read something different but I see things are still the same.

It doesn't sound like your marriage is ending it sounds like it's been over with for a long time.

I understand holding on,I understand trying so hard to change things and make it work. I've done that myself. But,maybe it's time to just accept what is and find a way to move on and move forward?

Don't you believe you deserve better and to be happy?

I do believe that. And I've kept hoping I could transform what I have. Kept hoping if I say or do the right thing I can get my needs met. But I don't know if that is possible and I guess we both have had to just keep trying until we are both sick of it enough to make hard choices.

I love him. I saw him changing for work and I had butterflies.

The last few days I've become more aware of how my trauma has made this situation worse.

I want to be happy. I don't want to fail.

 

[HealingMama]

Letting go is so difficult.
It is difficult to face and accept how little control I have over areas of my life.

I feel like such a failure. If only I could respect differences better. If only I didn't have this child part that feels entitled to not have my feelings hurt. Everything hurts my feelings. And rather than be a grown up and say thems the breaks, nobody is perfect, I have this destructive expectation that my partner has to fix every little thing.

I have sucked all the joy and drive for loving actions out of my marriage.

I am afraid of joy. And so I have only allowed mediocrity. I have only allowed s little bit of contentment. Joy is terrifying and must be sabotaged lest I fall from too high a height.

Whenever I stop trying to have any kind of emotional depth to my relationship, it trucks along fine. Coparents, roommates, activity partners basically the stuff that most men find easy, then it's ok. It's when I try to actually have some consistent emotional level connection that all hell breaks loose. I wish I didn't need that so badly.

 

[somerandomguy]

Coparents, roommates, activity partners basically the stuff that most men find easy, then it's ok.

I think you are overestimating the numbers of men that find these activities easy.

But more to the point, I also think you are blaming yourself far too much. Marriage is hard, even between two neurotypical partners. Both of you have many excellent reasons for why your partnership is even more difficult. Have you ever patted yourself on the back for making it even this long and trying as hard as you have?

You're in a lousy situation and it makes sense that you really don't see a clear way forward. I think that's really normal. I'm glad you at least have an outlet here.

 

[HealingMama]

I think you are overestimating the numbers of men that find these activities easy.

But more to the point, I also think you are blaming yourself far too much. Marriage is hard, even between two neurotypical partners. Both of you have many excellent reasons for why your partnership is even more difficult. Have you ever patted yourself on the back for making it even this long and trying as hard as you have?

You're in a lousy situation and it makes sense that you really don't see a clear way forward. I think that's really normal. I'm glad you at least have an outlet here.

Thank you. If I am overestimating that, then my husband deserves more credit than I have been giving him. He does try to be available, more so if I'm not pushing a negative message.

I guess I should pat myself on the back. I've shouldered incredible burdens. I came back from contempt towards my husband which is very difficult to do. He has stood by me through some stuff as well, although now I feel like that was mostly just fear on his part.

We just had a really long conversation. Apparently he thought the last conversation cleared the air and separation was no longer on the table. So, I brought up the idea of a trial separation to both work on our inner selves separately and then see where we are at with this. He basically said he won't have the capacity to do any work because he will be swimming in trauma from me leaving him.

Which means the choice is end it for good, or keep trying. That's so shitty. I'm trying to give us space to do what we need to do and he says that he won't be able to. I really don't want to just be done. I want separate corners to heal and grow so we could see how we fit together from a more whole place. I'm afraid the level of chaos he brings into my life that I don't have the resilience to "hold space for him" for him to do his work while we are still living together.

I really do complain too much, and I really am afraid of joy and playfulness energy. I'm also run down right now because his ADHD makes him play enough for the both of us and I can't also let go or things don't get done that need to.

Ugh, I was really hoping he could hear the idea of a therapeutic separation and be on board with that. I'm not emotionally ready to kill my marriage even if it's for the best that I do so.

 

[somerandomguy]

I forget, are either of you seeing a therapist? If you're not seeing a therapist, you really should be if only to assist you in your professional capacity.