I feel really flooded with memories at the moment after my mind has begun to make different kinds of links with things so I wanted to try to write it all down to box it off and try to contain it a bit outside of therapy sessions.
I wanted to ask whether the things I have written make any kind of sense because I think ideally I'd send it to my T so that I can try to forget about it for now knowing I have said it (even in writing) and sent it.
It is horrible because the things I remember some of them are objectively awful and other things are more my mind realising how it got to a point that that was able to happen if that makes sense?
Anyway so does any of this make sense and also is it too much to send and just ruminating?
So things like the memory of my mum telling me she was seeing 'him' and how it honestly felt like everything shattered because I already was scared and then she had decided he was ok and the implications of that for me. And then he moved in and I had told her to leave my dad but then she left him because she'd been found out and actually he was devastated and never recovered from it at all. Also things with my dad like when I thought he might kill me and his eyes were so glazed and he was so out of control and the things he said. The time I stayed over at 'his' house and the colour of the room and the things that happened. But still going for walks and learning about things I was interested in and that making me think sometimes that it was ok and then other things happening that didn't feel ok and the skin crawling feeling and the confusion of that. And still going to their house and then not wanting to but going anyway and I don't know why I did that. I was ten, eleven. And my sister was strong she has always known her own mind but I was so preoccupied with my mum's wellbeing I tolerated a LOT of stuff) and then the weird period of time when dad was chasing us and phoning and mum was out a lot and I was scared but felt like I should be able to cope. And desperately trying to keep everything right so she didn't explode or crumble. And then 'him' moving in and seeing his work bag and suddenly he was in that space and my mum worked evenings or nights and I worry a lot about what I might not properly remember as much as what I do. [And this is the time there were things that happened that I still can't properly talk about or put into words and the shame and feelings which I have posted before]. I have a really vivid memory of something happening and at that time promising myself if it got to a certain point I would say something but I knew I couldn't. And the worst thing. And then I am terrified I am so terrified. I'm terrified and I feel like I can't cope and the world isn't real. And he leave and mum does crumble for a while and the only thing that gets us through is my aunt. And I know I skate over the details and the things that actually happened but this is the closest I have ever got and I am crying and that is probably an appropriate response. Terrified of my body and what if I say this in the wrong place. If it isn't your fault then what does that mean. That I was really vulnerable and no one is actually able to keep anyone else safe. The contaminated feeling.
And then later my dad's cold house and how broken he was and still going to see him and trying but I feel like I didn't do enough and then when he died the smell and still visualising how that might have happened and no one should be alone like that. I can't bear how lonely I imagine he was
I wanted to ask whether the things I have written make any kind of sense because I think ideally I'd send it to my T so that I can try to forget about it for now knowing I have said it (even in writing) and sent it.
It is horrible because the things I remember some of them are objectively awful and other things are more my mind realising how it got to a point that that was able to happen if that makes sense?
Anyway so does any of this make sense and also is it too much to send and just ruminating?
So things like the memory of my mum telling me she was seeing 'him' and how it honestly felt like everything shattered because I already was scared and then she had decided he was ok and the implications of that for me. And then he moved in and I had told her to leave my dad but then she left him because she'd been found out and actually he was devastated and never recovered from it at all. Also things with my dad like when I thought he might kill me and his eyes were so glazed and he was so out of control and the things he said. The time I stayed over at 'his' house and the colour of the room and the things that happened. But still going for walks and learning about things I was interested in and that making me think sometimes that it was ok and then other things happening that didn't feel ok and the skin crawling feeling and the confusion of that. And still going to their house and then not wanting to but going anyway and I don't know why I did that. I was ten, eleven. And my sister was strong she has always known her own mind but I was so preoccupied with my mum's wellbeing I tolerated a LOT of stuff) and then the weird period of time when dad was chasing us and phoning and mum was out a lot and I was scared but felt like I should be able to cope. And desperately trying to keep everything right so she didn't explode or crumble. And then 'him' moving in and seeing his work bag and suddenly he was in that space and my mum worked evenings or nights and I worry a lot about what I might not properly remember as much as what I do. [And this is the time there were things that happened that I still can't properly talk about or put into words and the shame and feelings which I have posted before]. I have a really vivid memory of something happening and at that time promising myself if it got to a certain point I would say something but I knew I couldn't. And the worst thing. And then I am terrified I am so terrified. I'm terrified and I feel like I can't cope and the world isn't real. And he leave and mum does crumble for a while and the only thing that gets us through is my aunt. And I know I skate over the details and the things that actually happened but this is the closest I have ever got and I am crying and that is probably an appropriate response. Terrified of my body and what if I say this in the wrong place. If it isn't your fault then what does that mean. That I was really vulnerable and no one is actually able to keep anyone else safe. The contaminated feeling.
And then later my dad's cold house and how broken he was and still going to see him and trying but I feel like I didn't do enough and then when he died the smell and still visualising how that might have happened and no one should be alone like that. I can't bear how lonely I imagine he was
