Why do we take the blame?

[ninja]

I'm going to offer what is a very unsatisfying perspective to the question of why we hang onto self-blame despite knowing it's not true--
If self-blame is a cloak, what happens when I attempt to remove it? I'm exposed-- to the pain, feelings, & sensations that are underneath, & to the world that caused it in the first place.

In terms of removing it-- it is horrible, but feeling what's underneath in order to get to a point where I realize "that was then and this is now" is all that's ever worked. If you've got a great therapist who can help modulate how much of what's underneath comes out, that is wonderful!

 

[Innordinate]

Not gonna read 6 pages of posts so maybe somebody already said this:

why is it so important that we take the blame for what was done to us? I

Why is it so ingrained in us that we have to continue to hold on to it long after the trauma is over?

It was literally beaten into me.
Not so much as I 'took' the blame as it was 'given' to me.

Can mostly let it go now, fully realize I really did nothing wrong but when I think i've f*cked up or get more depressed all of that comes back, everything I was told about myself, it comes back so.... it's not gone. Doubt it ever will be.

 

[Freida]

It was literally beaten into me.
Not so much as I 'took' the blame as it was 'given' to me

This ^^^. When it gets so deeply encoded that it becomes a part of who we are how do we get it out? Years of therapy seems to be the only option - or does it prolong the problem? How do we reverse the beliefs that we learned thru horrific events?

 

[Tinyflame]

How do we reverse the beliefs that we learned thru horrific events?

Apart from apportion of blame, talking about it and getting feedback and another viewpoint. After that, for what's left, forgiveness, I think.

 

[somerandomguy]

talking about it and getting feedback and another viewpoint.

Agreed. This is a place where a strong therapeutic alliance is absolutely necessary. Or a place like this one with strong allies. Ideally both.

After that, for what's left, forgiveness, I think.

I think the goal is getting to a place where you realize that you don't have to forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong. And after that I don't think forgiving your perpetrators is necessary at all.

 

[Mee]

.
@somerandomguy

I think the goal is getting to a place where you realize that you don't have to forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong. And after that I don't think forgiving your perpetrators is necessary at all.

This is really I think VITAL part of my processing . Another cultural message is if we do not forgive we are choosing ‘it’ -the ptsd, the discomfort in seeing problems and our failure to heal. It’s actually victim blaming. I think this is part of the cultural heap putting blame back on us. I refuse that and reject it. My responsibility is to examine my OWN problematic thought- towards others and myself- not accept ‘blame’ for my feelings about harm done to me. Ireally am trying to get away from swearing but seriously f*ck THAT NOISE. That is, IMO , part of what stops societal progress. What stopped MY progress and had me too willing to look at my behaviour before PTSD and accept responsibility for upsetting abusers, or just straight up rude people with no boundaries. That noise helped contribute to my ability to be victimised.

Accepting responsibility for my behaviour/ actions/ thoughts/ feelings is a subtle but important difference from welcoming a gift of blame for someone ELSE’S harmful action to me.


Boy it’s clear right now and I hope I can hold on to this !

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, I agree. I am sorry I probably worded that badly, as it's just something I think I realized (for myself) yesterday.

I do not mean forgiveness as in blame when warranted (of ourselves or others, though of course that applies too)- or rather I mean I agree with not blaming, with realizing there's often nothing to 'be' forgiven for, as @somerandomguy said.

What I mean is the process of forgiveness, actually (for me) lets go of all that I am carrying with me and what it intertwines. So because the focus is different, it's not only moot what and who and how is to blame (as a focus), but it simply allows me to be present freely. There is no internal dialogue or internal confusion that is weighed as I go about my day/ moments. My analogy (as an example) would be mistrust vs trust. I realize it's necessary to weigh, but the feeling/ thoughts as I go about my day are very different feeling one or the other.

So, I think the biggest part of forrgiveness , which would include realizing there's nothing or 'not that (x)' to be forgiven for, just sheds the confusion.

I suppose my thoughts would be, would I act/ think/ talk/ do any differently, if I wasn't a) blaming myself +/or b) focusing on blame of others (which is going to affect my interactions with them and thoughts about my future). I think the latter or former can eat (me) alive. And the former can have parts that are not justified, but others that are justified. Even the parts when I treat others in ways they don't deserve because of my own past.

Hope that makes sense? I am only applying it to my own self/ heart's experience(s).

ETA too, I think though we hold many contrasting emotions, just as it's hard to be both angry and grateful at the same time, I think it's hard to be unforgiving and focusing on the present. Not because there's isn't possibly valid reason, just because it becomes the thoughts and therefore influences (more emotions and thoughts), originating from the past and influencing the present and future. (I've got to go get some coffee to the rescue... :rolleyes: :laugh: )

 

[SD5]

In my case, I feel like I take the blame for two reasons. First of all, if I am to blame, then I can act in such a way that avoids the trauma ever happening again. I have some measure of control over a situation that felt completely outside of my control previously.
The second reason I have found myself taking the blame is that others have foisted it upon me. Blaming me to what happened to me relieves others of guilt for harming me, not protecting me, not helping me, etc. If it's my own fault, then people surmise that I got what was coming to me. People like to believe that bad things happen to bad people, and good things happen to good people. That belief in a just world is what helps many people feel safe in a sometimes unpredictable world.
Blame is toxic. Don't dish it out to others or yourself. It's crap.
If you put the blame onto whom it belongs, you will definitely upset the order of things with other people. You are rocking the apple cart of their just world belief. If that apple cart topples, then they might have to consider that maybe they aren't safe from bad things happening to them. Maybe they'd have to take some responsibility for not helping you up when trauma ran you over like a semi truck. Either way, others would have to deal with reality, and that is something that many people do not want to do at all costs.
The thing is, YOU will feel much better- authentic and free of unnecessary burden- once you ditch the chains of blame. Nothing feels better in my opinion. It's totally worth alienating the denialists in your life. They aren't helpful to you getting back to who you're meant to be anyhow. :-)

SD

 

[The Albatross]

I don't understand why absence of an "easy fix" would be baffling. My shrink described trauma like a skip in the song of a record/track on a song on a cd. Bemoan and/or learn to live with the skip.... or change the song.

 

[somerandomguy]

My shrink described trauma like a skip in the song of a record/track on a song on a cd.

OK, but some of us experience trauma as not just a skip, but a flaw in the CD that causes a horrible noise that lasts for hours and ends up making the CD player explode.

Maybe over time and with treatment and practice we can get to the "just a skip/change the song" feeling, but I don't think most of us start out there.

 

[Freemartin]

some of us experience trauma as not just a skip, but a flaw in the CD that causes a horrible noise that lasts for hours and ends up making the CD player explode.

Uh, yep, and setting the house on fire. :D
Thanks for the image, SRG!

 

[Tinyflame]

Agree with @somerandomguy & @Freemartin , I think that might be more relevant to trauma specifically, and/ but less so to ptsd proper. Underestimating it usually led to more pblms, not less, IMHO.

Thanks for the giggle! :joyful: :)