I am, kind of, retarded

[NatBird]

Hi Mums,

I don't know what you mean by 'grown up' but if it's what we are taught out here, I'm wondering if you really want that? What does this 'grown up' feel and look like to you?

I'm going to be repeating things, some things are worth repeating - you come across in your journals and actions described there as someone 'grown'. You may have grown a bit more one way than the other, taller than others, bit crooked here, bent there, shine here, duller there but you are grown, and have done a lot of tending, and still tending to the garden, the flourishing garden, that is you. I hear it may not feel like it but what you have is a richness. You are a beautiful soul growing, not up, or out but growing

I agree with what @ladee said about re parenting. The time when I feel the most adult/grown (very fleeting) is when I am able to meet my little ones and adult needs, not as a reaction but a considered response.

I'm not dismissing the real everyday struggle you live with as a result of CPTSD and ASD. I know from living this intersection it can be a major challenge and can feel so limiting as well as liberating in moments

I've lost words. Sending encouragement, and support your way Mums

 

[mumstheword]

The work I did to feel more 'grown-up' was inner child work. What it enabled me to learn was there is nothing wrong with being childlike on many occasions.

Very few of us had carefree childhoods and had to grow up pretty fast. Yet we have places we can move forward from and still remain fun-loving and spontaneous.

I get it about being around people, that yes, is simply our language here to say 'normies', that we don't fit in that 'soccer mom' role.

I just learned to fit inside my own skin and care less and less and less about what others thought or how they perceived me.

I didn't approach this particular situation with the attitude that there was something 'wrong' with me. I just tried to learn that others would not accept me and I didn't choose to put a mask on to make others feel less uncomfortable.

I heard this saying a long time ago, It's never too late for a happy childhood. Be comfortable with who you are Mums. It's what makes us as unique as our fingerprints. Is it something you want to change or is it something you feel social pressure about?

Your personal answer will define what approach you can take if you want to change things. Or not.

It's just social pressure and a sheepish sense of my own inferiority.

I have lots of "gaps" but also some amazing, unique strengths, which is, probably, what I should focus on, more.

I plan to go back to uni, later this year, and am hoping the study will support me to get more adult, for the world. I am working on getting support to help me achieve this goal.

Parenting, I am doing ok at. My kid's see me and my guy friend teasing, being silly and enjoying each other and they smile. It's ok to enjoy the childlike wonder, fun, playfulness and being silly, that being "young at heart" brings, too.

Who cares what other people think? I used to give zero f*cks and I needed to be like that. Somewhere along the line I started caring too much, what other's think of me.

"Inner child" work, is a big part of how I am healing.
Thank you for the reminder @ladee. :-)

 

[mumstheword]

@mumstheword Don't be too hard on yourself, for one thing, have you any idea how many grown adults really act like the intangible ideal we call "grown up"?
Very, very few.

I have seen a grown ass man in a nice expensive suit throw a literal foot stomping, screaming, whiney tantrum over a line of muddy water down the side of his BMW. Pretty childish huh? This guy was a neurologist. Major commitment and responsibility, turned into 180lbs of screaming manchild, over a toy.
Adult or child?
I'd say both, like most people are.

Worked with a woman who liked to make animal noises, play with toys, wear silly costumes and even worked a side job as a clown. Honest to God, red nose, floppy shoes, the whole nine yards. Pretty childish huh?
When I knew her, she was in a committed relationship, finishing her post-secondary degree, worried about paying her bills on time while deciding whether or not to buy a house in the future.
Adult or child?
Again, I'd say both.

I don't think people grow up in some tangible specific way that you can sit there with a list ticking off boxes of "adulthood". You look at kids who have been through horrible shit, they don't act like kids, but they're not adults. Works the other way round too. I think people grow in their own way, given what they have to deal with in their lives. There's going to be things each of us struggle with that are easy to others.

I think being an adult really boils down to a number on your ID.
Behaving like an adult, I think is buckling down and doing things for your own good, even when you don't want too. Just as being a parent comes down to doing things for your child's benefit when you (and probably they) don't want too.

Now as for being "retarded". Meh, it's a word, it means slow. I don't care about PC bullshit either. Lot's of retarded people out there are living their lives to the best of their abilities, some need extra help, some don't. Doesn't mean they aren't adults, or can't have responsibilities in life. Retarded, disabled, special, differently abled, whatever word you want to use doesn't matter, they're all still human beings, all capable of being adults.
Hell, if you look around your own community, I'll bet you can find people with severe disabilities living their own lives the best they can with what they've been given, struggling with the things they haven't been given. Just like every other adult does.

From what you've written on the forum Mum's, you sound like an adult to me.
Maybe instead of looking at it as you not being able to relate to the people you're supposed to just be the same as, forever blocked because of a retardation. Think about how it would be like if you were suddenly dropped off on some Micronesian island full of people wearing grass skirts and living in huts made of mud and palm leaves.
You wouldn't automatically relate to them either, but that wouldn't be unusual or bad, you would just have to get to know them and their culture. It would take time, practice and effort. Most likely their idea of a proper adult, while similar, is going to be different to Australia. The people being so recognizably alien, would just make it feel less weird, but it's essentially the same thing, is it not?

Being on the spectrum no doubt makes it harder, but I don't think it's impossible. I don't think you do either, or you wouldn't even try right? Again, that's some of that "adulting" right there. Doing something you feel is good for you, even when it's difficult or unpleasant.

I hope I'm not being overly presumptuous, I just want to give you some encouragement.

I think maybe I might find the Micronesians easier than people in my own community? Although a language barrier would be just that, a barrier.

I am, kind of a "primal" Aspie. I love to cook, dance, sing, get in the dirt, be in the beautiful nature; people in grass skirts sound awesome to me.

I am going to try, so that I can get out, get in the nature. Get a place in the bush and grow things, make art and help raise my grandbabies in a garden paradise (when I get some, no grandbabies yet).

But, first I have to.learn to drive, get a job, earn money to get somewhere out in said country. So a process. I am going to attempt hard stuff to make my dream come true. I want to care for people in crisis and support them to find their centre and passion and wellness.

Thank you for saying I sound like an adult @Neverthesame. I'm glad I do. That helps me feel that I do. I'm certainly working on it.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

Hi Mums,

I don't know what you mean by 'grown up' but if it's what we are taught out here, I'm wondering if you really want that? What does this 'grown up' feel and look like to you?

I'm going to be repeating things, some things are worth repeating - you come across in your journals and actions described there as someone 'grown'. You may have grown a bit more one way than the other, taller than others, bit crooked here, bent there, shine here, duller there but you are grown, and have done a lot of tending, and still tending to the garden, the flourishing garden, that is you. I hear it may not feel like it but what you have is a richness. You are a beautiful soul growing, not up, or out but growing

I agree with what @ladee said about re parenting. The time when I feel the most adult/grown (very fleeting) is when I am able to meet my little ones and adult needs, not as a reaction but a considered response.

I'm not dismissing the real everyday struggle you live with as a result of CPTSD and ASD. I know from living this intersection it can be a major challenge and can feel so limiting as well as liberating in moments

I've lost words. Sending encouragement, and support your way Mums

I'm not even sure what the "grown up" looks and feels like.I just know I'm not there yet. On the journey, but I haven't "arrived". Maybe there is no destination, it's all a journey?

Getting my licence, driving a car, earning money, would probably help though.

I cried when I read your post @NatBird. Somehow, it touched a deep chord.

Yes, liberating and limiting, slow bits and bits where we soar. Jagged abilities, some exceptional, some underdeveloped. That is how it goes.

Yes caring, for my own little parts and my stuck-in-perpetual-adolecence, at times, and, even more, sometimes, caring for other's, is what gives me the feeling of grownness, but, because of doing that since shattered, frozen, zombie teens, it feels nothing has changed much, other than I am unfreezing, thawing out and that hurts a lot, but at least I can feel. The movement is slow, creeping along, at snail pace. I am a terrapin woman. Pulling in under my shell wherever danger appears, and that feels alot.

But I think you get this @NatBird. It's very comforting. Less alone and stuck in time and more seen, now, and because of you.

ASD and CPTSD, creepy beasts, making the journey interesting but not compatible with what "the world" expects, so much; so I am on the journey to get those "special needs" met, because what I really want to do, is thrive.

I really love that chune. Such a great vibe and vid. So awesome. Thank you @NatBird for that. I think they are a great band and you are right, so apt!

 

[NatBird]

I'm not even sure what the "grown up" looks and feels like. I just know I'm not there yet. On the journey, but I haven't "arrived". Maybe there is no destination, it's all a journey?

Yea, think that arrival is something to do with what lade said about being comfortable in your own skin. I know when I've had those moments I felt a sense of home which erases journey or destination

Getting my licence, driving a car, earning money, would probably help though.

I hear you on this and can relate

Yes, liberating and limiting, slow bits and bits where we soar. Jagged abilities, some exceptional, some underdeveloped. That is how it goes.

I love how you described this. I will try to re member this myself. Are you still writing?

Thawing out and that hurts a lot, but at least I can feel.

Yes the melting hurts. Sometimes it feels like being stuck in sludge

Pulling in under my shell wherever danger appears

You know a turtle bird can relate;)

what I really want to do, is thrive.

I wonder if this thrive thing is one moment or a series of moments. I hear you on this, I want this too. I believe whatever this means to you, you're on your way, it's possible

I really love that chune

yea, it's alright minus the N word!

sending support mums:)

 

[mumstheword]

I like the chorus :-)


I have felt the thriving and get a sense of it. I guess I want more of the moments stringing together into a vision of a life of integrity, of revealing more of what is inside, of making the unseen seen and the heart expansive, without so much contraction, without so much hiding.

I haven't been "writing", no, just here. But I want to. Will do. Plan to.
Lots of poetry and songs behind me, but no outlet for producing for public consumption, so my motivation has waned, but, it will rise again.

It's an ebb and flow thing, this art/expression thing.

My kid's have been needing a lot from me. And so energy goes to tending to the offspring garden and grounding in.the body through daily yogic prac. So need to learn to feel "comfortable in my skin" and the yoga prac is my most effective prac for learning to ground that "wholeness" and deep peace that I crave. Even if the moments of peace are fleeting, daily prac means more moments.

Other than that, it's been deep exhaustion. A lot. Too much.

 

[NatBird]

revealing more of what is inside, of making the unseen seen and the heart expansive, without so much contraction, without so much hiding.

I haven't been "writing", no, just here. But I want to. Will do. Plan to.
yes poorly phrased. I meant your poetry. I know you had a lot on your last page

and grounding in.the body through daily yogic prac. So need to learn to feel "comfortable in my skin" and the yoga prac is my most effective prac for learning to ground that "wholeness" and deep peace that I crave. Even if the moments of peace are fleeting, daily prac means more moments

This is BIG DEAL. Congratulate and celebrate on this

Anyway, taking up your thread. Support

 

[Mach123]

I have a special needs child. He will be 27 this year. He is living in supported accommodation, has great support and a social life, with disability services and has started working, and continuing his education (with help, he is doing his yr 10 equivalency).

He is working at a cafe, in a place, all run by special need people and they are building a petting zoo and a nursery. When the nursery is set up he will be working in that, and studying horticulture.

He tells people he has an intellectual disability and schizophrenia. But with meds and lots of great people helping him and supporting him, he is one of my kid's who is really thriving.

He is reeeeaaallly good with computers and computer games, he learns a lot at Espace, with a bunch of other autistic boy-men.

He is my second born, and I was told he was a "failure to thrive" baby, when he was an infant, and, it's taken a long time, but, I believe, he is truly thriving now.

Ok so you, like me, can say it. I have 2 severely retarded daughters the same age as your son. They are in "programs" that amount to getting them out of the house a few hours a day. They don't like each other and we moved a year and a half ago into a much smaller space. Lots of friction. I'm home and I co ordinate the rides meals housework and mountain of paperwork the state requires to keep this running. My daughters are remedial and require support for everything and don't have any alone time. Meaning a responsible adult has to be on duty here 24/7.

What they are really like is something only the people who deal with them every day know. To look at them, or have a casual interaction most people would say "well they're fine right?". They're fine with care and direction but functionally there is very little. The language and comprehension are several stunted and emotional development is arrested at the level of about a five year old .

So our lives are special needs, that's what we.do. I don't like it. I'm squeamish. I don't want to get dirty anymore . My wife and I never have any time together and we never have. Always at work. Work is at home. Someone's is always in the next room.

As to your situation, i'm in a similar place but I don't have the energy? I don't want to try and deal with people again. My wife is very tired of working though, and wants me to.

The part of me that has just recently emerged has no concept of reality because of not being a grown up. But that's only partially true.

I was thinking when I woke up maybe I am more depressed than I thought. It's just that I've managed to get most of the pressure to perform off me.

But I was very interested in your reply and thanks.

 

[mumstheword]

Ok so you, like me, can say it. I have 2 severely retarded daughters the same age as your son. They are in "programs" that amount to getting them out of the house a few hours a day. They don't like each other and we moved a year and a half ago into a much smaller space. Lots of friction. I'm home and I co ordinate the rides meals housework and mountain of paperwork the state requires to keep this running. My daughters are remedial and require support for everything and don't have any alone time. Meaning a responsible adult has to be on duty here 24/7.

What they are really like is something only the people who deal with them every day know. To look at them, or have a casual interaction most people would say "well they're fine right?". They're fine with care and direction but functionally there is very little. The language and comprehension are several stunted and emotional development is arrested at the level of about a five year old .

So our lives are special needs, that's what we.do. I don't like it. I'm squeamish. I don't want to get dirty anymore . My wife and I never have any time together and we never have. Always at work. Work is at home. Someone's is always in the next room.

As to your situation, i'm in a similar place but I don't have the energy? I don't want to try and deal with people again. My wife is very tired of working though, and wants me to.

The part of me that has just recently emerged has no concept of reality because of not being a grown up. But that's only partially true.

I was thinking when I woke up maybe I am more depressed than I thought. It's just that I've managed to get most of the pressure to perform off me.

But I was very interested in your reply and thanks.

It sounds like you are burnt out with the carer role. My son is very exhausting to care for too. That's why it is better he is in supported care, in his own place. They have 8 hour shifts, so it works for them. And they make a living out of it, so It's a win-win.
Plus he has a good weekly regime of day programs, work experience in a special disability establishment, and being at school.

My son fluctuates between about 5-10, in his behaviour, but sometimes, he surprises us, coming out with something very wise and mature.

He is a sunny natured child-man, for the most part though. Although myself and my partner have been attacked by him, in the past, when he was unwell, coz tantrums, when he couldn't always get his way. He was a very challeging child but I got him an xbox at 14 and he quickly became addicted to it, coz I was overloaded with 6 other children, a narcy partner and my own health problems. So I didn't police it. I read a book called "The loving push" some yrs ago. It said that, according to studies 97% of autistic boys develop computer/gaming addictions.
My son is no exception.

But now he is in care, with day programs etc, he had it down to a healthier level. Before he went into his care house ( he has his own unit but there is always staff and a main living, office, cooking eating area), we were getting.very run down with his care needs.

With very clear, persistant boundaries and constant prompting he does well.

But it's too much for our family now, to be fulltime carers, and his father is a narcy, neglectful person. My kid's are burnt out from living with him so many years, too.

He ended up in state guardianship due his father, being so bad at caring for him, that he went psychotically ill, but that is how he got the supported accommodation, so it turned out for the best. "Mental Health" wouldn't support me to get guardianship because of how abusive the dad is towards me, but, I'm really glad because it's the best situation, I couldn't ask for a better outcome, for him and us.


I think, maybe you need more support with your girls ? Sounds like you, really, need a break. Sounds like they need a break from each other too.

My kid's don't do well spending too much time together either. It's hard, too much closeness, it's not good for learning individuation, especially when CPTSD is involved. Some of my kid's have it too, and they need outside sources to help them develop a healther sense of self. So we have CPTSD, ASD and psychosis from drug use (from their dad's influence) issues with our kid's. One is in a psych hospital, now.
,

 

[mumstheword]

revealing more of what is inside, of making the unseen seen and the heart expansive, without so much contraction, without so much hiding.

I haven't been "writing", no, just here. But I want to. Will do. Plan to.
yes poorly phrased. I meant your poetry. I know you had a lot on your last page

and grounding in.the body through daily yogic prac. So need to learn to feel "comfortable in my skin" and the yoga prac is my most effective prac for learning to ground that "wholeness" and deep peace that I crave. Even if the moments of peace are fleeting, daily prac means more moments
This is BIG DEAL. Congratulate and celebrate on this

Anyway, taking up your thread. Support

I can't recommend the yoga prac enough. I do Yoga with Adriene every day that I can muster. I have to make it my one, most important self care goal of the day, and if course, some days I can't manage it.

Everyday I manage it, I feel good after it for a double pronged reason. One, that I did something hard, I stayed "in my body" to discipline myself and grow stronger and two, because it does good things hormonally.

I stopped going for walks after I really frightened myself, after dark, with cars with guys driving by. I am too socially avoidant and without freedom of movement to go to classes or gym, at the moment. So yoga at home, with my youtube guru/teacher, is my go to.

I lived in an "ashram" at age of 7 and was introduced to Hatha yoga practise then. Before that, I lived in a Buddhism community, in Tasmania, for a time. First place I experienced care and kindness was with the Buddhist nuns, there.

So, I am an eclectic soul from exposure to multiple cultural influences from young.

I had a significant dream once, about my inner "magical child" she was a yogi/wise soul in robes. Like me as a child when I wanted to be left at the "Ashram" when my mum wanted to move on, I wore orange robes and had a shaved bead and "mala beads" for prayer/mediation/protection.

Luckily, I guess,, my mum wouldn't leave me there. Turns out the head swami, was a pedophile/hebophile.

It was the happiest time in my childhood though, even though I was bullied and neglected there a lot. I.loved the daily routine of morning yoga and meditation.

I don't feel anything but present and centred when I practise (mostly) but it takes a lot of will power and self love to commit to getting on my mat and practising each day.

 

[NatBird]

@mumstheword
Thanks for talking about practice in that way. I've been having a Yin and Qi Gong practice steadily for a few months and it just crumbled when I got back mid-end of Jan. Then slowly I've been doing less and less and back to being terrified to sit still in my body

I will see if I can try this morning. Well it's this morning now, 5.21!

Thanks for sharing your journey. Wish I could say more right now but I feel quite discouraged and demotivated in some ways:/

 

[NatBird]

Now I have this question going on in my head. Is it f*cked up I feel so wiped out by all this? And that this has kicked off a cycle of self destructiveness? Or is the f*cked up part the ways I am reacting which is self harming and abusive? The old ways?

I can't work it out. I think anyone would not be coping really well with the shit I am processing: mother loss, loss of best friend, still processing loss of career and assault by trusted therapist/trainer and group betrayal, plus taking inventory of losses - career, relationships, family etc, through step six and seven. Yet I am starting to feel like deep upset is disproportionate. This is quite maddening

It takes me to the Pete Walker stuff where he talks about having difficult/painful feelings as a kid and being abandoned, getting the message that your reaction is not appropriate, or that feeling bad is unwanted, as a result you are some how faulty, not worth being around. All of this comes up

Anyway. Yes I need to stop binging on dried fruits and find another way to regulate

Yesterday I had two packets of pumpkin seeds. Which arent grest at high in Omega 6 so inflammatory. Bone Broth with some onions, beets, celery. This was me trying to regulate and nourish in a gentle way. Two baked plaintains. Unusual for me. It's the feeling of home plus the sweetness. Kept the figs down to six. Hoping none today. I can feel that my body is really craving sugar

Perhaps I will pick up some Rhodiola