I slept with my therapist, now what?

[Ronin]

Cutting her out of your life, entirely...

Is the first step to righting your marriage. If it *can* be righted.

As obviously your husband is going to have a major difficulty with this, to say at least.

A therapist or anyone else was never worth your marriage.
And isn’t now.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Ok, I think everyone has made it clear that they think the therapist should be cut off and reported. I'm still worried about how this will affect you @Muted, because when my "bad" therapist left, I had another breakdown. It's been 5 years, and I still have trust issues and can't bond with a therapist. You have to do what's right for you and stay as well as possible. I also think a good start would be another therapist while dealing with this. You don't have to stop talking to her right away, but the new therapist will help ease the transition if you decide to stop seeing the first one. It's a crappy time in the world right now, so please make sure you are supported by a neutral person. I will hold you up in meditation for your health and safety.

 

[Scarlet13]

There was a similar story to this on this forum. It was called "once my therapist now my best friend" or something like that.
Sex was not involved, but the same power play and twisted attachment roles were at play. She did make progress, I believe in ending the relationship.

The abuse of this therapist stems from the imbalance in power.
That she was a service provider, an authority, that she did the therapy and knew you and your issues from that stand point and then broke boundaries.
This is not how friendship or being a lover happens.
That is equal from the beginning and doesn't start as a service.
Even if it did start as a service, for example let's say I slept with my hairstylist, that's not great, but there was not an authority role present in that relationship.
People are calling her abusive, because this is completely abusive.
You dont see it in a way that feels clear and there is confusion because of the theraputic attachment.
I have a trauma informed T, who I LOVE.
The love FEELS real. Not sexual, but like I could be her best friend or I want to be her child. I adore her.
She also keeps very clear, very strong boundaries with me and has a good understanding of the vulnerability of this attachment.
The keeping boundaries is the part that heals.
Your T must have broken all kinds of boundaries with you before she is asking you to come over, drunk or not.
Had my T done that to me, I would have felt like vomiting. I was molested, among other traumas, and an authority breaking boundaries sends me running to the hills.
This is why people are saying, get help now.
This is a traumatizing thing that has happened to you.

 

[littleoc]

Hey there. I’m sorry for the ocean of emotions you’re going through. Really, I am.

Couple things.

(1) You fantasizing about it before it happened has nothing to do with this situation. Don’t confuse thoughts with actions.

(2) I really, really hesitate to “admit” this, but... well, in 2015 or so, when I was in undergrad, this situation happened to me, though I got out of it before it became sex (my service dog saw I was triggered and acting on “training” from when I was a young child), I didn’t see the therapist ever again, and I got 100% of my money back. She tried sending me a bill later and I didn’t pay a dime. Her practice has since closed.

I don’t like discussing this still because I still feel at fault and dirty about the whole thing. So I won’t discuss my experience here.

But I do want you to know that she ended up admitting it was premeditated. She started off by calling it an accident, saying she’s been stressed out and didn’t mean to trigger me.

She ended up telling me later, over text or email (can’t recall, I’d had a bad head injury shortly after), that she had been hoping we could be a thing after she heard my history. She said she idolized me and couldn’t get me out of her head.

She needed help. It became my unfortunate responsibility to get her help. She could have helped me with my messed up relationship with my now-ex. But instead she asking me to undress her.

There are such a thing as sex surrogates. She also claimed to be taking that role “experimentally” for me. She definitely made me more afraid of sex, not less.

I’m not going to say more, but the reason I’ve said what I have is because I’ve read every single message you’ve typed and to me, something is up. You haven’t said how it happened. You haven’t said you did it on accident, or that you did it on purpose. You aren’t taking about yourself. You’re talking about her. And when it comes to Talking about you, you’re giving short answers, avoiding the question, and referring back to her.

The therapist who failed to sleep with me was slowly trying to convince me for months. I was in a dangerous situation before, during, and after. And — Things like this don’t just happen.

I’m really sorry you have to work through this at all. It’s okay that you’re worried about her. Congrats on your empathy, maybe your therapist could learn empathy in therapy. Your feelings about this are involuntary and you’ll be processing this for a long time. Act now to get yourself the help you need.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Please take care of yourself, okay?

And this is terrible logic, but if you have to: if you really care, you’ll get her help. If you’re still hesitating after reading that, something’s very wrong. (Spoiler: something’s VERY VERY wrong. She’s taken advantage of you.)

I hope this helps.

Also, @Scarlet13, the thread you’re referring to is here: Was my therapist now my best friend

@Muted This is a very good thread showing the same patterns you are showing right now. I highly recommend you read the first page at least. Maybe the first seven. So you get the idea.

She eventually got out. You’re on your way.

 

[Bird33]

@Muted i was the person that posted that thread was-my-therapist-now-my-best-friend. I have been following this post and I wanted to tell you I have been exactly where you are now. We were both female and I was never attracted to females. I am married and have 3 children. I couldn’t understand it but she took advantage of that. It was the relationship, the transference and countertransference. It was for her to take care of and monitor, not me. I finally got away from her in December 2019 and I blocked her and her family on everything. I can tell you it was one of the hardest things I had to do but I did it and I feel so much better now. It took a little while for the obsessive thoughts to stop but now I see the relationship for what it was. It was abusive and she took advantage of her position and my transference. I am so happy I ended the relationship but I did get another therapist and she really helped me. Please if you need anything and want to talk I am so willing to help. I was there before and it was torture.

 

[Bird33]

I also should say and I didn’t admit to it on the other post. We had two sexual encounters. She was a massage therapist in the past and she told me she could help me with my trauma by giving me a massage and releasing the trauma from my body. At first I said okay and she took me to her bedroom and I thought I would be fully dressed. She laughed and said I had to get undressed for the massage to work. I wanted to get better so badly bc my nightmares are awful so I was willing to try anything and I trusted her. That was broken. This is so hard to talk about. I just feel now is the time to talk about it bc of what your going through.

 

[osiris]

@Bird33 I am so sorry that happened. I am heartbroken for you.

 

[somerandomguy]

These charlatans ruin lives. I'm so glad you're free, @Bird33.

 

[Bird33]

Thank you @osiris and @somerandomguy i appreciate your thoughts but I’m okay now. I have worked to see that it wasn’t my fault and I was taken advantage of. It still bothers me that there are people out there in this world that do these things. I am more concerned about @Muted right now. I am here to talk if you need it. I understand how hard this is and what you are feeling.

 

[Muted]

You haven’t said you did it on accident, or that you did it on purpose. You aren’t taking about yourself. You’re talking about her.

you’ve made some excellent points. Thank you for sharing as well. It has been really hard to even write as much as I have.

It’s hard to find all the words to express how I am feeling. I think I’m still kind of in shock. I feel kind of like I woke up to a nightmare. So much has changed so quickly. I’m still kinda trying to figure out how all of this happened.

I stopped all contact with her. I feel lost right now and am just trying to get through each day.

 

[osiris]

I stopped all contact with her. I feel lost right now and am just trying to get through each day.

So damn proud of you for this. It can’t have been easy but you are looking after you by doing it, even though it’s a hard choice for you. Seriously, I’ll repeat, I’m so proud of you.
Now might be the time to try and find another T to help you with your feelings though. Please don’t try and cope with this alone.
Thinking of you.

 

[Bird33]

@Muted i am so proud of you too! What you did is very hard! I agree with @osiris and getting another therapist! Without my new therapist I never could have done what I did. She has helped me understand what happened was wrong and that it wasn’t my fault. That this therapist took advantage. At first after I stopped contact I was still obsessing about her but once I worked through my feelings and could see what it actually was then I felt free. Please know you were taken advantage of, I understand taking responsibility but your relationship with your therapist is different and she was the responsible one. She was the one that had to monitor these type of feelings. I never had these feelings before about a woman and I have some close girlfriends. It was so hard for me to understand. But it was the therapist client relationship and the transference that I was feeling. I had her on a pedestal when I was seeing her as a therapist and it continued when we were friends but that was the transference. As my current therapist now says I had no chance. Please know that. It will get better hang in there.