I've never told anyone that the last 25 or so years, I've thought about suicide everyday. I don't actively do it. My head just does it on its own as a kind of torture I guess. Every active thought I have is laced with it. It drives me into such a dark hole. When it gets too "loud", the only thing that turns down the volume of these unwanted thoughts is giving it a little taste. I've had a couple of serious attempts in my life. I think that's when that started. So, sometimes I cry and wrap things around my neck until I almost passout. Sometimes I take way too many pain killers. A lot of the time I think that if my head wants me to die so bad, that next time instead of just holding my phone charger wrapped around my neck, I should just tie it off and be done with it. I really don't feel any hope, and don't have anything to look forward to. I'm too afraid to talk to anyone in person. I was raised not to show any negative emotion unless it was anger. So I just sit behind these walls in my head, and torture myself.