Never told anyone

[Justmehere]

To not be so scared of absolutely everything, and everyone no matter what I rationally think.

I'm sure it would. I'm poor with no insurance, and just the thought makes me freak out. I live in a small rural town. Things get around fast whether it's true or not.

With the pandemic, there are a lot of distance telehealth options that were not there before. Might be worth looking into... and if the doc or therapist sucks, just have to close the screen and walk away. It also might be helpful.

 

[JessC]

You are worth it.

This is really hard for me to hear. I always flinch or recoil at this kind of talk. Thank you.

 

[JessC]

With the pandemic, there are a lot of distance telehealth options that were not there before. Might be worth looking into... and if the doc or therapist sucks, just have to close the screen and walk away. It also might be helpful.

Thanks I'll look into it.

 

[reallydown]

Sorry you feel so horrible. I have only ever attempted once but almost nobody knows about it (I did eventually tell a friend a lot later). I tried the old tying around the neck thing...but I just ran out of energy and strength to carry it through. I now have ideation quite often...I think, in a way, that's safer - but obviously help is needed when one feels like that.

I hope you have access to some help. I am lucky to have crisis lines one can text, instead of talking on the phone. Is that one of the options for you?

 

[JessC]

Sorry you feel so horrible. I have only ever attempted once but almost nobody knows about it (I did eventually tell a friend a lot later). I tried the old tying around the neck thing...but I just ran out of energy and strength to carry it through. I now have ideation quite often...I think, in a way, that's safer - but obviously help is needed when one feels like that.

I hope you have access to some help. I am lucky to have crisis lines one can text, instead of talking on the phone. Is that one of the options for you?

Honestly writing about this stuff seems to set things off into spiral. Ever since I started, it has given me a lot to think about. Lots of friendly caring people here. Since then, I've had to stay very heavily stoned. All these thoughts always just so fast and constant. Almost all negative. I get way to overwhelmed. Having breakdowns at home. Riding the line at work between control, and emotionally shattering in front everyone. I got super close to a break down at work. I wasn't crying, but my eyes were glassy. People noticed. They did what I would do. Avoid eye contact, and and just avoid me in general. Which if coarse fills me with shame. I just didn't expect it to get out of hand like. How do you get help for stuff you can't even type about with freaking out so bad? Even this post makes me feel shame. Like I'm seeking out attention for my ego or something. Which I know isn't true, but doesn't stop the shame. Sorry for rambling. There just so much going on in my head.

 

[Survivor3]

Sorry your having a bad time.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Do you live in the US? I'm asking because you probably qualify for some no cost insurance.

My last bad suicidal ideation was just this past December. I chose to go to the hospital even though I didn't think it would help much. They were wonderful. They hooked me up with the crisis line, who gave me 2 weeks of counseling as many times as I wanted. They helped me apply for insurance, housing etc. It was fantastic.

Nothing will ever change unless you do something to change it. I am in my 60s, and I have to work at being happy. It's worth it. When I had intrusive thoughts (walking out in traffic) my therapist told me to shout STOP in my head. It sounds silly but as I did this I slowly got more control over (as Friday pointed out ) the 2nd thought. This led to less instances of intrusive thoughts.

Another thought is that if trauma is causing these symptoms, trauma therapy should help reduce the symptoms. It's hard to climb out of a hole when you've been there so long (in my case) but it can be done. It seems hopeless, but it's not. It just takes a lot of work and the knowledge that you can overcome it.

 

[JessC]

Do you live in the US? I'm asking because you probably qualify for some no cost insurance.

My last bad suicidal ideation was just this past December. I chose to go to the hospital even though I didn't think it would help much. They were wonderful. They hooked me up with the crisis line, who gave me 2 weeks of counseling as many times as I wanted. They helped me apply for insurance, housing etc. It was fantastic.

Nothing will ever change unless you do something to change it. I am in my 60s, and I have to work at being happy. It's worth it. When I had intrusive thoughts (walking out in traffic) my therapist told me to shout STOP in my head. It sounds silly but as I did this I slowly got more control over (as Friday pointed out ) the 2nd thought. This led to less instances of intrusive thoughts.

Another thought is that if trauma is causing these symptoms, trauma therapy should help reduce the symptoms. It's hard to climb out of a hole when you've been there so long (in my case) but it can be done. It seems hopeless, but it's not. It just takes a lot of work and the knowledge that you can overcome it.

You have to jump though a lot of hoops for the insurance. I had it, but got dropped. They had me going in 1 or 2 times a month. I only force myself to go to hospital when it's clear I would die otherwise. I got put on zoloft when I tried to bring it up to the doctor, but I was too frightened and ashamed to tell the truth after I started. So I just said I had some depression, and lied about having suicidal thoughts.

 

[DharmaGirl]

That's understandable, but won't get you any help. Is there someone who could help you tell your doctor and get a referral to a therapist? The hospital is only going to stabilize you, you need to follow up with therapy after.

 

[Almostme]

I've never told anyone that the last 25 or so years, I've thought about suicide everyday. I don't actively do it. My head just does it on its own as a kind of torture I guess. Every active thought I have is laced with it. It drives me into such a dark hole. When it gets too "loud", the only thing that turns down the volume of these unwanted thoughts is giving it a little taste. I've had a couple of serious attempts in my life. I think that's when that started. So, sometimes I cry and wrap things around my neck until I almost passout. Sometimes I take way too many pain killers. A lot of the time I think that if my head wants me to die so bad, that next time instead of just holding my phone charger wrapped around my neck, I should just tie it off and be done with it. I really don't feel any hope, and don't have anything to look forward to. I'm too afraid to talk to anyone in person. I was raised not to show any negative emotion unless it was anger. So I just sit behind these walls in my head, and torture myself.

I feel for you and the others.Please let me share a few thoughts that I think you should hear.Bear with me for a small piece of history to get some context,I will make it short.So,it took me my whole life to find out why I was messed up with such strong overwhelming emotions,and trouble getting along with pretty much everyone in my life.In the last 20 yrs,there are just a few people left,none from my family, and not even my twin.I realized he was the biggest bully in my life,and really just found out that all of it started because of being born premature by 2 months and weighing 2 lbs 14 oz.He was 3 11,and ended up escaping thelong term consequences of being in a damn incubator.He was there a month and me two,in 1964.Apparently I suffered trauma
from the event and my brain got wired
in a bad way,.I have a broken ability to handle stress,and get stuck into the fight or flight response if a stressor remains tormenting me for a period.If you knew
how many other health issues followed me since childhood,you would wonder what I am waiting for,no?There is much more.In 1998 a dr f.d up my gut totally with 3 cocktails of antibiotics for an ulcer,and to put a cherry on top 2007 ptsd in hospital during a procedure on my mom that went really bad.It is always the darkest before the light.I always thought that it was bs.I even dropped my dilaudid opiates after being on them for 13 yrs,and in only one week of teetering down.Don't feel bad for taking out the trash from your life,no matter who they are in your life.If they are toxic for you, remove any stressors.I had not had one single ptsd rage event in 5 yrs.It took an asshole new neighbor above me with a child that never stops running,and banging on the floor.Made me lose it after 12 days of being so stressed all the time,I barely got 3 or 4 hrs a night of sleep.That is why I am here and I a newbie.In the end,what I want to tell you is,hold on,things can change.It is the one thing you can count on,it is guarenteed!
Robin Williams said it perfectly,"suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."I can't tell you how good it feels to have held on,I hope those of you who are feeling no hope,remember those thoughts.I too did not think I could get through all the misery.This recent event just reminded me of what to watch out for,bad neighbors,bad sleep and bad people in your life!That's all.

 

[JessC]

I feel for you and the others.Please let me share a few thoughts that I think you should hear.Bear with me for a small piece of history to get some context,I will make it short.So,it took me my whole life to find out why I was messed up with such strong overwhelming emotions,and trouble getting along with pretty much everyone in my life.In the last 20 yrs,there are just a few people left,none from my family, and not even my twin.I realized he was the biggest bully in my life,and really just found out that all of it started because of being born premature by 2 months and weighing 2 lbs 14 oz.He was 3 11,and ended up escaping thelong term consequences of being in a damn incubator.He was there a month and me two,in 1964.Apparently I suffered trauma
from the event and my brain got wired
in a bad way,.I have a broken ability to handle stress,and get stuck into the fight or flight response if a stressor remains tormenting me for a period.If you knew
how many other health issues followed me since childhood,you would wonder what I am waiting for,no?There is much more.In 1998 a dr f.d up my gut totally with 3 cocktails of antibiotics for an ulcer,and to put a cherry on top 2007 ptsd in hospital during a procedure on my mom that went really bad.It is always the darkest before the light.I always thought that it was bs.I even dropped my dilaudid opiates after being on them for 13 yrs,and in only one week of teetering down.Don't feel bad for taking out the trash from your life,no matter who they are in your life.If they are toxic for you, remove any stressors.I had not had one single ptsd rage event in 5 yrs.It took an asshole new neighbor above me with a child that never stops running,and banging on the floor.Made me lose it after 12 days of being so stressed all the time,I barely got 3 or 4 hrs a night of sleep.That is why I am here and I a newbie.In the end,what I want to tell you is,hold on,things can change.It is the one thing you can count on,it is guarenteed!
Robin Williams said it perfectly,"suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."I can't tell you how good it feels to have held on,I hope those of you who are feeling no hope,remember those thoughts.I too did not think I could get through all the misery.This recent event just reminded me of what to watch out for,bad neighbors,bad sleep and bad people in your life!That's all.

I appreciate the thought. There has been a few times I've been time to just hang on things get better. First time I was around 12. Yours is of course the most recent. I'm 39 now. Doesn't really seem like sound advice anymore.

 

[Almostme]

You are right that it seems easier said than done.I have found that in this life,I have never been given anything.I always had to work hard to move forward.You must be patient,it won't turn around in a linear fashion.It took me 5 yrs of effort, and somewhere along the line I started to love myself again.Maybe it is for the first time in 56 yrs.That is the target one must reach,and once you finally get there,the healing can begin.You are worthy,and deserve it.