@Rudolf - it's good to remind yourself that you can call the police, if your mother or brother come and threaten you physically.
When you say you are not safe now - do you mean that you are in danger of hurting yourself, physically?
No, I don't physically hurt myself.
I meant that I sometimes feel in danger of my mother and brother suddenly invading my life again, as before.
These all sound like great goals. Any that you can start working on, now?
Now my goal is to find a new therapist, I don't know which one yet, but it's obviously not EMDR. Or cognitive behavioral psychotherapy or something else, I don't know exactly, I'm confused. But I'm avoiding finding a new doctor right now, even though I know I need to move on, I'm even avoiding going to the for
um, only with phenazepam I can read posts as I'm very negative, and in pain.
Rudolf I think you have a good inner compass, a good sense of what you need to do, build safety. joeylittle and Friday are pointing you the right way to
do the things large or small you can do now, practical things like making your apartment safer, things you and others have mentioned.
I do not know what choices you have for a therapist but I am guessing that much of your trauma happened when you were very young, maybe before you
could talk. When trauma happens at this pre=verbal level it is occuring on the level of body sensations/emotions. If you can it would be good to see if
you can find a therapist who is experience at working with individuals who have experienced trauma at a pre-verbal level. Some of the body based therapies are
helpful here, like sensorimotor therapy. This does not mean they are touching your body(they are not) but they are working with the body sensations and muscle actions that hold the trauma physically and finding body based ways of releasing that.
But first keep building safety with practical things to do, they don 't have to be big things, just things that make a difference for your safety.
s for the pre verbal traumas, most likely they are there because the family is dysfunctional, and most likely there were battles between the mother and the father, or something else. But I will say one thing, even from a very early age I already felt toxic shame, and at the slightest physical altercation the ground was falling out from under my feet, this was before school. Maybe it was an experience where my father and mother when I was 2-3 years old, in the middle of the night lying next to me, would jump up and get into a very loud scolding and scuffle, I didn't understand what was going on I thought it was war. But apparently this is one of the earliest traumas. I asked a lot of doctors about pre verbal trauma, they said it's impossible to get to it, it's very difficult, and memory is not there to remember. I don't know about sensorimotor psychotherapy, because I can't feel anything, I'm estranged from my body, maybe it won't help me because I'm completely anesthetized. My plans are to start looking for a therapist again, probably just a cognitive therapist, to be safe, and then I don't know. Anyway, the first thing I need to do is find a doctor. By the way, I live in a town with a small population, and have been studying with a doctor on Skype. For sensorimotor therapy do you need a personal appointment? Or is it also possible on Skype? Oh guys, how I want to go back to the living world, how I want to be alive again, to feel the smells and tastes, the sun and rain, thunder and wind, morning and evening, autumn and spring, winter and summer, the touch of clothes on my skin. Eh, how hard it is to live dead.
As far as pre-verbal traumas, there's something awful there, my mother told me that when I learned to walk, at an early age, something scared me so badly that my legs failed, and I started peeing and screaming at night from that time on. But maybe it was just the conflict between my father and mother, when I was asleep, and I woke up to their arguments. Or maybe it was something else.
I've noticed that I'm now avoiding finding a therapist, apparently I avoid facing pain, or maybe I'm afraid to die. Judging from past experiences with therapy. Or maybe I just don't have the energy.
