My diary of random thoughts

[Survivor3]

How do you have self love when you’ve had a nervous breakdown for 7 years, you have no friends, you can’t do better job wise, friend wise, or pick a place to stay, and you are losing your mind being alone. Oh, and you believe in psychics because you lost your mind and all hope to have a life like you used to have that was so perfect?

What was perfect about your life before?

 

[AnnieMae]

What was perfect about your life before?

I was in a position to be a supervisor. I was respected and people asked me to do things. People actually wanted me to work on projects, asked me to sign up for things and advance my career. My husband “acted” like he was so in love with me. He would watch me shower, joke around and everything. But then he pushed me out of the picture. My job fell apart and I’m alone. I hate it. I ask people to do things, people tell me I have choices, I bought a
House in a place I do t even like. I just wish I could break free from everything. I can’t have kids, I can’t advance at work, and I am so lonely. I’ve asked for help, but I never get the help I need, which I get means I am helpless. I just wanted a better life for myself and those around me. It’s hard to keep focus on anything because I just freak the f*ck out and do t see a point to anything. There’s no communication between me and my family like there used to be and it’s killing me. My friends don’t respond, it sucks. And whenever I open up to people I feel misunderstood. I thought that having moods was normal. My ex told me I was bipolar. My therapist told me it was because he is a narcissist. I just feel dumb as hell because nothing I want happens the way I want it to. I wasn’t like that before until I realized how f*cked over I was.

 

[joeylittle]

I never get the help I need

What is the help you need?

 

[AnnieMae]

Direction to make the right decisions. I am so stuck, I can’t move forward. Ever. Because I’m too traditional, my family babies me, I open my mouth? Everything has completely fallen apart on me. I really don’t know who the hell I am. I thought I was an independent woman, boy was I wrong. I honestly wish I would have listened to the psychologist years ago. Things are so convoluted I don’t know what’s what anymore. I know I need to work my ass off, but for some reason I’m too lazy to do it. I’ve lost the motivation for almost anything anymore. What the hell????

 

[AnnieMae]

I lost my freaking mind! Holy freaking crap! If you saw the amount of things I bought, you would not believe it. The psychic readings were amazing. The feeling of being a part of something was amazing. The feeling of being in charge was amazing. Right now, I hate my life. I don’t know if I will ever get out of this. How do people stay so positive when everything has gone wrong. I worked my ass off for everything I had. I lost my damn mind. I figured it out waaay to late. I am dumb as hell. I will never be able to get out of this.

 

[joeylittle]

I am so stuck, I can’t move forward. Ever.

First thing is to stop the self-pity.

 

[AnnieMae]

Lol! So that will solve my problems??? I did that to begin with and it was all fake. How do I move forward in life if everything goes wrong???? Nothing works out right for me. How the duck does that even happen??? Everything used to work out for me now nothing???? How is that even possible???? And saying the first thing is to stop self pity is a bunch of bullshit that I can guarantee won’t work. My life is falling apart and everyone has basically told me to f*ck off. How am I not supposed to be sad, angry upset????

 

[Survivor3]

 

[Sideways]

So that will solve my problems?

Nope. And you're completely misquoting.

But, to have any chance at making things better for yourself? You (and no one else) has to decide, "I'm going to start working at getting things better".

How do I move forward in life if everything goes wrong?

You're still housed, eating, clothed, and have access to the internet. Believe me when I tell you that means a lot of things are going right for you, right now.

Everything used to work out for me now nothing?

This just isn't true.

Things are harder now. But some things go right, some things go wrong. It has always been thus.

A standard course of CBT, that goes for at least 3 months, that you commit to practicing daily, would make a big difference to your distorted thinking, and help you get out of your own way.

Doesn't need to be trauma-focused. Could be a group setting, private therapist, online course, any number of free apps that are now available, a textbook...

There are options available to you to make things better. Which would help you feel better, and reclaim your own life.

The only thing stopping you right now? It's not fate making "everything go wrong".

It's you.

Have a think about getting out of your own way and committing to getting healthy again. Until then? You're going to keep going in circles, and you're going to keep feeling like crap.

 

[Friday]

How am I not supposed to be sad, angry upset????

This.

Make it a REAL question, instead of a defense.

How can I learn to manage my emotions so that they don’t stop me from moving forward in my life?

Everyone hits the self pity skids from time to time, where that’s all they can think/feel/do; collapse into a puddle that isn’t capable of walking 10 feet to make a sandwich, no matter how hungry they are; or even? Throwing food across a room that someone brings to them, followed nearly always by attacking the person bringing them food, because they’re so hungry. (Nope. It doesn’t make sense. Unless you’re in the middle of it. Or have been there and understand the impulse. Or have kids, because babies and toddlers do that all the time, as they haven’t learned emotional regulation, yet. Or work with people in pain, who have to relearn how to self-regulate.)

Ditching the self pity doesn’t mean a person doesn’t feel sad, angry, or upset. It means that those feelings don’t rule their life, or stop them from seeing the sandwich as a solution, instead of an insult/attack to be defended against whilst wailing to the sky about how hungry they are.

Emotional Dysregulation is part of PTSD.

Emotional Monitoring and Regulation? Can be learned.

Nope. It doesn’t make a single one of your problems go away, to learn to manage the symptom of Dysreg (both emotional and behavioral). What it DOES do, is allow you to recognize when you’re in a puddle of tears on the floor because you’re hungry, to stand up, walk 10 feet, and make a sandwich.

The ability to recognize the problem, stand up, and find the solution? Is what starts knocking over the problems in one’s life like dominos.

Emotional Dysreg / Flooding? Is a symptom to learn to manage.

Whether it’s self pity (collapsed under the weight of all that’s gone wrong in the past and the inability to move forward due to it), rage, panic, despair, guilt/shame, etc.? It’s just a symptom. Dysregulation. To learn to be managed.

 

[AnnieMae]

Nervous for my interview today. Can’t wait to not be qualified enough to get the job! Lol Kendal intimidates me and Jody. Im just not good enough. No experience. Trauma sure does mess your life up!!! And there’s no real help. Me healing because I will never have better, just pretending to be thankful for what I have. That’s the alternative when no one gives you a chance because you suck so bad and suffer from severe anxiety and depression after being manipulated and given a false hope that things will get better

 

[Chris-duck]

I saw your post before you edited it, I'm curious what made you edit it?

It's almost like you edited it to bait people. Cos your original post was unusual in this context, but didn't quite have the things that you get challenged on in it. So you added them, that's interesting. Purely because I've been wondering for a while what you get out of this place, because every reply equals a fight, but now you're ignoring replies but then adding in random details to elicit a fight? It's yeah.. interesting.