Has anyone experienced this or still is?

[Complex1]

Because only now, that I'm dealing a lot less with family members and their life sucking controlling ways, I'm beginning to realize just how much control they had over me in my life.

My father alcoholic father is gone, my evil grandmother is gone, all that's left is my aunt (whom I do not talk to).
This family had it out for each other and I was the lucky recipient of being used to take care of my little cousins, a daily HEAVILY abusive through emotional and verbal communication with my father when I lived with him.
Itwas like living with a psycho, I would do laps at night in my car with my dog to wait until he passed out.

Now I look back at my school grades, the people I did meet which were plentiful, and because of the daily barrage of verbal and emotional roller coasters with my father, I clearly had a low self worth. Plenty of girl friends, smart, fun, attractive, but nothing came of any of them.

I look back and think how much potential I had and I just really and truly don't want to be alive anymore.
I'm just apprehensive of the deed itself.
Since I have no family and my current friends I just meet recently through my only friend who unfortunately uses drugs.
However her friends are basically my friends, they're nice and welcoming to me and while they're not my crowd, they're all I have from not being alone.

The sad part is, they're really nice people, just down on themselves and their lives because of circumstances.

I'm starting to struggle day to day and have been doing reasonably well, but lately, it's starting to get to me.
My meds are helping I guess, I don't know to be honest.

And finding a trauma specialist to try EMDR is insanely difficult in Toronto.

Sorry for the lengthy post... thanks if you read it though. <3

 

[Skywatcher]

I haven’t been in your specific situation, but many people have. You are not alone. I’m hoping that you can find some sort of positive focus and support as you wait to find the therapist that can help you process this mess. When I started therapy, I would cower in the corner of her room. Now, I am able to talk to her about some horrible things. It takes time, but positives will come if you stick it out.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi, my dad is an alcoholic and was very abusive and violent. Im an alcoholic but haven't drunk or smoked for 15 months.My dad was a complete psycho aswell.
I had alot of potential aswell but f*cked things up because I was so unwell and didn't have the skills to maintain success.

I'm not sure from your post what your asking help for/about specifically but it sounds like now alot of those people are now gone then your free to now live your life the way that you seem fit. A good therapist/counsellor will be very helpful to help you navigate your thoughts and feelings.

What do you want to do with your life?

 

[Freddyt]

Now I look back at my school grades, the people I did meet which were plentiful, and because of the daily barrage of verbal and emotional roller coasters with my father, I clearly had a low self worth. Plenty of girl friends, smart, fun, attractive, but nothing came of any of them.

It is a real smack in the face when you realize what PTSD has taken from you.

But now you have a chance. A chance to move past that and find joy in your life again. To make new friends and forge new relationships.

Finding help may be as easy as getting a hold of the Canadian Mental Health Asscociation. CMHA.ca They are wonderful helpful people.