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Life is a series of distractions.

been in a funk this morning. hubby is going to be around a lot until Monday, so it'll be challenging to attend any suicide anonymous (SA)meetings, which I'm bummed about. they meet every day but sunday, but they tend to meet in the afternoon, which is not convenient for me. i haven't even told hubby that i'm seeing a therapist, much less the SA meetings. that would freak him out. he doesn't understand emotional stuff like that.

i've got volunteering today for the 3rd time. hopefully that will lift my spirit.
 
been in a funk this morning. hubby is going to be around a lot until Monday, so it'll be challenging to attend any suicide anonymous (SA)meetings, which I'm bummed about. they meet every day but sunday, but they tend to meet in the afternoon, which is not convenient for me. i haven't even told hubby that i'm seeing a therapist, much less the SA meetings. that would freak him out. he doesn't understand emotional stuff like that.

i've got volunteering today for the 3rd time. hopefully that will lift my spirit.
I'm sorry about the problem with your husband being around. Is the meeting something you could do on your phone in your car? (Sorry, if that's a dumb question. I'm kind of techno-challenged.)

What do you volunteer at?
 
I'm sorry about the problem with your husband being around. Is the meeting something you could do on your phone in your car? (Sorry, if that's a dumb question. I'm kind of techno-challenged.)

What do you volunteer at?
I just started volunteering with meals on wheels. today i'm doing another ride along with a current volunteer, so get the lay of the land.

and yes, i could definitely do it in my car, which i actually hope to do today after volunteering. the issue is more getting away from hubby for long enough without having to explain what i'm doing. i don't really want to lie and he's kinda clingy. he means well, but unless he's otherwise occupied, he likes to spend all his free time with me. boom or bust around here, is that the phrase? either he's always around, or he's never around. there's not much in-between. it kinda drives me a little nuts. there's no way i could disappear for an hour+ without having a reason for doing so, and since he's having a small medical issue at the moment, he definitely will be around. I don't want to answer 20 questions from him. *sigh* I might resort to a small fib tho.
 
I just started volunteering with meals on wheels. today i'm doing another ride along with a current volunteer, so get the lay of the land.

and yes, i could definitely do it in my car, which i actually hope to do today after volunteering. the issue is more getting away from hubby for long enough without having to explain what i'm doing. i don't really want to lie and he's kinda clingy. he means well, but unless he's otherwise occupied, he likes to spend all his free time with me. boom or bust around here, is that the phrase? either he's always around, or he's never around. there's not much in-between. it kinda drives me a little nuts. there's no way i could disappear for an hour+ without having a reason for doing so, and since he's having a small medical issue at the moment, he definitely will be around. I don't want to answer 20 questions from him. *sigh* I might resort to a small fib tho.
I understand not wanting to lie. Would it be OK to bend the truth? Say you are meeting friends?
 
hubby (H) is my greatest distraction. he keeps me sane by me hiding my 'insanity'. i keep my negative feelings from him, which is incredibly inauthentic. I've tried to talk to him about emotional stuff, but he doesn't get it and I end up feeling worse, so I've stopped. It's so hard but on the flip side, it keeps me alive. I fear I'd just go off the deep end if I could express myself fully. We've broken up several times early in our relationship and I've always gotten involved with toxic men instead. Men who take advantage of my 'instability' and use it against me. Maybe that's why I'm afraid I'd go off the deep end, because I have. I still have scars on my arm where I sliced it after one ex just kept instigating me. Bad impulse control on my part, and now I have to live with the reminder, and deal with the judgmental people who see the proof of my suicidal self. And this wasn't the ex who encouraged me to kill myself, this was another guy who came later. H is a prince compared to those guys, but it's so hard to live a life where I feel like I'm faking it more than half the time. We have a great life otherwise. ? How great is it tho when you can't be truly honest? I can't even imagine being in a healthy honest relationship. Do things like that exist?
 
One good friend is worth more than twenty fake ones.

Want to go to the library?
This is true. About the friend that is. I appreciate her, tho she is a bit of a negative nelly. You should have seen her face when I told her I got a chihuahua, absolutely disgusted. Jeez. I mean, I never wanted a chihuahua, but never say never. My little girl is the best chihuahua ever and has completely totally grown on me. I finally brought my chihuahua on one of my walks with my friend and even she admitted she's a good looking, well behaved dog, so that's something. But that initial look of disgust was discouraging.

but anyway, library. good idea. let's go. 😉
 
when i was depressed and suicidal at 16, nobody acknowledged it of course. maybe I hid it well? i doubt that. more likely no one cared. at least in regards to the people in the house- ie my mom and stepfather. my mom got me a book titled Weird Ways to Die tho. Is it me, or is this an odd choice to give a depressed teen? Was she hoping to scare me off? Some of those horrible horrible stories still haunt me. I'm pretty impressionable like that.

I was just thinking how I'm not worth caring about. On the flip side, when people do show concern, i panic. I suppose that's due to more of those mixed messages. My mother either ignored me when I cried, or gave me razor blades and books on death when I was suicidal-- her way of caring? Of course the razor blades were to 'open boxes,' no malicious intent intended at all, nevermind the fact i just got out of the psych ward, lol.

oh just babbling away this morning. believe it or not I am trying to doodle and be mindless but this damn thoughts keep intruding instead. I really need to make that SA meeting today.
 
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