Childhood Wanting to Talk to Groomer

[LeiaFlower]

I want to talk to the woman who groomed me as a child. I want to know what happened to me. If it was just grooming it if it led to sexual abuse. Even if she lies to me, if I talk to her again maybe I’ll regain my memories. I’m just tired of feeling like a dramatic liar.

 

[Friday]

Then talk to her.

If you weren’t aware she has EVERY reason to lie, and probably will? My answer would be different. Like how conversant you happen to be with torture, &/or willing to risk prison &/or death to get the information you want. But since your reason to reconnect in mostly just to jumpstart memories &/or emotions, and have no belief whatsoever in her being truthful with you? The only thing you have to lose is any progress you’ve made in your life. Which is always & ultimately you’re own decision to make. Other people, and life itself, can cleave that from you… but this? And it’s possible effects? Are entirely your choice. And yours to make.

So go for it. Or don’t. Whatever would cause you the least regret.

 

[LeiaFlower]

Then talk to her.

The only thing you have to lose is any progress you’ve made in your life. Which is always & ultimately you’re own decision to make. Other people, and life itself, can cleave that from you… but this? And it’s possible effects? Are entirely your choice. And yours to make.

So go for it. Or don’t. Whatever would cause you the least regret.

what do you mean? Why would I lose progress? I’m in trauma therapy and EMDR. Not saying this things are a safety net but I have the tools and support to soften the blow. I also have limited hours for work and accommodations for school for times it’ll be difficult to show up. Do I need anything else? Should I prepare more?

 

[scout86]

Why would I lose progress?

It's not that you necessarily WOULD, it's more that you could. Have you talked this over with your therapist? Not knowing anything about that person who groomed you, the first thing that comes to MY mind is that some of these people are such accomplished liars that they can really make you doubt the truth of your own lived experiences. That can be.......let's say "difficult".

 

[arfie]

is "groomer" another word for "mother" in this context? i think of grooming as a thing i do to pets and livestock. i am a farmer, so i do ALLOT of old world grooming.

in my own case, i have lost progress within ALL of my attempts to confront parents, siblings and other perpetrators of my childhood progress. i have no clear nor confident reasons why, but my personal favorite theory is that the confrontations ushered in new trauma to process while shifting the focus from **my** recovery to **their** actions and responses. healing is an inside job, regardless of how the injury occurred. it's not about THEM.

 

[coraxxx]

It's really a hard question to answer because depending on who you generally respond to things and how she responds, anything can happen. It can also be very frustrating not to be able to extract anything from these people because they do know exactly where the line is and some even get happy with having you spending energy running in turns around.

It just can go in ways that you won't expect. Only you can have an idea of how well you can prepare and respond.

Good luck with everything, whatever you decide

 

[Movingforward10]

I want to know what happened to me. If it was just grooming it if it led to sexual abuse.

these are massive issues, and I would (just my opinion and born out of no experience about this) be very cautious about wanting to get answers to these questions from speaking with her.
What is it you want from her? I can't imagine an abuser giving you any answers or any clues, but I can imagine an abuser gaslighting you, manipulating you etc etc. It's whether you think being exposed to her and her behaviour is going to help you in any way?

I wonder if you have done work with your T about accepting uncertainty? And accepting that some memories won't come back? Maybe there are things to explore with your T around this.

 

[Charbella]

what do you mean? Why would I lose progress? I’m in trauma therapy and EMDR. Not saying this things are a safety net but I have the tools and support to soften the blow. I also have limited hours for work and accommodations for school for times it’ll be difficult to show up. Do I need anything else? Should I prepare more?

I wish I could describe the pain of attempting to find solace in confronting someone. The flood of memories attached to that. Honestly NOTHING can prepare you if it goes awry. There aren’t enough coping mechanisms to distance yourself from it. For me the panic attacks, the flashbacks, all of it became a 24/7 onslaught. I will say I was not prepared in anyway. I hadn’t done trauma work nor grounding but I maintain it wouldn’t have helped. I began sucking my thumb and carrying a stuffed dog everywhere I went. I’d go to work and find myself physically unable to get out of the car, hours would pass in an instant. I stopped sleeping then I stopped being able to stay awake for any length of time. I started cutting, and became suicidal to the point of two attempts.

On the other hand if it brings you peace I imagine it will equally be a flood but the flood could be helpful.

So I echo others voices here. Ask your T. Tell them what you’d like to do and let them weigh in. They are more familiar with your mental state and your coping mechanisms. You may think EMDR has prepared you because I’m sure you experienced a flood of something near the beginning of the experience. I did too and the only thing that made it seem unbearable was thinking it might morph into what I experienced by trying to find peace with my abuser. It didn’t, thank god. It was as intense but for a few days not an entire year.

 

[somerandomguy]

Almost everyone I've talked to who confronted their abuser reported that it was an underwhelming experience and didn't provide the catharsis they hoped would result.

 

[LeiaFlower]

Have you talked this over with your therapist? Not knowing anything about that person who groomed you, the first thing that comes to MY mind is that some of these people are such accomplished liars that they can really make you doubt the truth of your own lived experiences. That can be.......let's say "difficult".

@Movingforward10 I’ve briefly talked this over with my therapist and she responded the same way Friday did. Basically that it was my choice, I’m not naive, but that doesn’t mean I’m still not going in blind in some way. I’m use to gaslighting and being lied to not saying I’m completely prepared but I know the situation I’m going in will require me not to believe anything coming out of their mouths. Most of it will be half truths and it’ll be impossible for me to muddle through which part is the truth and which is the lie.

is "groomer" another word for "mother" in this context? i think of grooming as a thing i do to pets and livestock

Groomer as in person preparing you to more susceptible for sexual abuse. She did this by blurring the lines of close contact as in sleeping in the same bed, picking me as her favorite child and treating my siblings who at the time hated me badly, providing gifts, and more evidently exposing herself to make me more okay with her undressing in front of me.

in my own case, i have lost progress within ALL of my attempts to confront parents, siblings and other perpetrators of my childhood progress. i have no clear nor confident reasons why, but my personal favorite theory is that the confrontations ushered in new trauma to process while shifting the focus from **my** recovery to **their** actions and responses. healing is an inside job, regardless of how the injury occurred. it's not about THEM.

I’m sorry this happened to you. But in the sense I don’t think I have anything left to lose. I don’t really care about work or school to have to quit either one. I mainly am concerned about my immediate family but a lot of them are moving out soon so I’ll be alone. I guess this sounds self destructive due to abandonment issues, and a part of it is. However, I just want to not be a liar.

 

[LeiaFlower]

I wish I could describe the pain of attempting to find solace in confronting someone. The flood of memories attached to that. Honestly NOTHING can prepare you if it goes awry. There aren’t enough coping mechanisms to distance yourself from it. For me the panic attacks, the flashbacks, all of it became a 24/7 onslaught. I will say I was not prepared in anyway. I hadn’t done trauma work nor grounding but I maintain it wouldn’t have helped. I began sucking my thumb and carrying a stuffed dog everywhere I went. I’d go to work and find myself physically unable to get out of the car, hours would pass in an instant. I stopped sleeping then I stopped being able to stay awake for any length of time. I started cutting, and became suicidal to the point of two attempts.

On the other hand if it brings you peace I imagine it will equally be a flood but the flood could be helpful.

So I echo others voices here. Ask your T. Tell them what you’d like to do and let them weigh in. They are more familiar with your mental state and your coping mechanisms. You may think EMDR has prepared you because I’m sure you experienced a flood of something near the beginning of the experience. I did too and the only thing that made it seem unbearable was thinking it might morph into what I experienced by trying to find peace with my abuser. It didn’t, thank god. It was as intense but for a few days not an entire year.

I don’t really know how to respond to this but I’m happy you shared this. I wish I was in a better place for this to click, to sink in. But ultimately I want this. It feels like something I deserve. If I get the memories back then we I will go down; however, I’m sure as hell going to take her with me. I know it’s impractical and simply the shame speaking. But I still deserve this, the year of suffering for not doing more to protect my siblings. And during that year I will do everything in my power to bring her down to to feel just as shitty as I feel.

 

[Charbella]

I don’t really know how to respond to this but I’m happy you shared this. I wish I was in a better place for this to click, to sink in. But ultimately I want this. It feels like something I deserve. If I get the memories back then we I will go down; however, I’m sure as hell going to take her with me. I know it’s impractical and simply the shame speaking. But I still deserve this, the year of suffering for not doing more to protect my siblings. And during that year I will do everything in my power to bring her down to to feel just as shitty as I feel.

Honestly I admire your tenacity. I’d say your going in fully aware of the consequences and potential gains. My suggestion if you’re determined is to record the conversation, not so she knows but so that you can remember how it went. So that if it goes awry you have it specifically to aid your therapist in putting you back together or to relish every moment if it goes well.