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I can identify my triggers perfectly - but they don't seem to go away

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Alexis

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Hello,

I started to develop some rather odd and strange outcomes of my PTSD. I'm wondering what I can do about it...

I was raped my by then-girlfriend 7 years ago - I didn't realize it was a rape until half a year later, it was dark times but was able to manage it with a good psychologist, I'm basically now at a stage where it very very rarely affects me emotionally, I've fully accepted it and am beyond it in terms of grieving and processing. Now, since it happened, I always felt very sensitive to the word "rape". Whenever it was uttered, I was reminded of this unjust thing happening to me, so I started to fear the word. I spoke with my therapist about this and he said that this is my body protecting me, essentially a nice thing of it, although the effect is uncomfortable - I become dissociative, not too much, it's not very noticeable from the outside, but it's quite exhausting within, I feel stressed, cannot concentrate as well, self-confidence decreases, etc. It is difficult to describe. I'm sure you can somehow relate - it feels that just some of my body functions don't work anymore. But in general it was okay - the word doesn't come up very often in everyday life.

I was living my life, studying, when 4 years ago I took a psychedelic drug on a festival. I had a bad trip, thought I was going crazy for a long time, it was a horrible experience for a couple of weeks, where I rarely slept. What happened afterwards is that also the drug's name (2-CB), together with the words LSD or Acid (although I didn't take that then - only when I was younger, but that was without any problems. It is because I associate the effects with each other, as they work in a similar way), started to have the same effect on me as the word rape! It took me quite a while to figure this out, as back then I didn't make the connection, and ultimately the realisation, that I wasn't going crazy because of the drug, but that my body simply copied it's defense mechanisms from my traumatic experience to this other experience, which was also quite bad (obviously not as horrible, but my body seemed to apply the method, just to be sure, so to speak).

This was rather annoying, as now my triggers got multiplied. Hearing the words was bad, saying them myself was even worse.

So I asked my psychologist, why is it that it's only the words that trigger me? Why specific words? If I talk about "sexual abuse", or "psychedelic drugs", nothing happens, so why is it that when these exact words are uttered, my body starts to do this? He told me that my subconsciousness can't differentiate as my rational mind can - it decides "for me" what it finds triggering. This was in the beginning of 2020, right at the start of the pandemic. I was probably already slightly fragile, and this information really worried me, scared me. I had this image of an uncontrollable force inside me, something that had power over me, leaving me impotent to these expositions. So, what happened is that this same word-mechanism applied to the word "subconscious", "subconciousness" as well....But it didn't stop there, it even started with just the presyllable "sub".

And this is where I am right now. I get triggered every single time someone says "subjective", "subtle", "subpar", "subtitles" etc. My brain made kind of it's own rules regarding how bad these words are. Rape by now isn't the worst word for example, acid is the strongest - I don't quite know why. Reading them is no problem, writing them by now is also okay (it used to be not), hearing over zoom is bad but in real life it's worse etc. - a whole system of rating these triggers by intensity. Of course it also depends on the day, sometimes it's better, sometimes worse.

In the end of 2020 it became really bad. It started to reach out on every sort of drug. "Weed", even if it was inside a word, i was learning polish back then so even words where the syllable "...wied..." happened triggered me slightly for example, or just the letter "H" (short for heroine) - this period went over fortunately.

Because I was able to get out of this real bad state, where basically everything triggered me, I was hoping that by saying "sub" a lot it would help me as well. It's true, that it feels liberating to say it, but it's always followed with quite a long amount of time of unconcentration and stress. When I trigger myself heavier, like explaining these things to someone, or saying acid and sub in one conversation, it can take up to 2 days until I feel as calm as before.

Yoga and meditation helps a lot, but this whole thing is just so insanely exhausting. I haven't had a normal conversation since almost 3 years without my brain always scanning and being worried that some word with "sub" gets said.

So....does anyone have an idea? How can I approach this? I was able to get rid of some things (like weed & pot etc), but they weren't as ingrained as "sub", "rape", or "acid", as I haven't said those things for quite a while - I only started doing recently. Sometimes I thought that it helped, and maybe it did, but....If there is progress, it's very very slow, and I even feel that the paths in which my brain thinks are still there. What I mean by that is that my brain is so directed towards these very words, I would love to concentrate on something else lots of the times, but I just can't.

I'm okay if it takes time to better this, but I just don't know if what I'm doing by saying these things, or flooding me sometimes is the best option. My psychologist also didn't know any further ideas.

I'd like to point out that these triggers by now have nothing to do with the original situations anymore. I feel that they are completely a thing of it's own. They don't trigger me emotionally at all, it's just stress and exhaustion.

Thank you very much for reading - If you have any idea on what could help me on my way, i'd be very happy :)

Hope you have a good day <3

Alex
 
Welcome here!

Possibly your brain over working a trauma response?...
I'm thinking out loud here but this is what I thought when I heard your post...

it started with the word rape or something related to sexual abuse ..(As a trigger)... That understandably that caused a bodily reaction... then maybe the process of having that reaction got amplified as a protective response? So your brain started listening out for and making associations with other words to check if they are alright...or not...I.e that protective mechanism then just started getting played out even when not really appropriate. With any potentially triggering words. ..

(Which in itself as I understand it is quite a typical trauma response - having a mechanism to protect you which can get amplified to an unhealthy degree)...

Hearing is worse than reading you said. Possibly because of the consequences..
hearing it means it has the potential to be in face to face convo with someone where you may be exposed ..which is more threatening than reading to yourself - no interaction involved...
 
hello alex. welcome to the forum.

i need to vent a spot of envy that you have identified all your triggers. my own are far less predictable.

setting that aside, we share in common that those tricky, sticky buggers never seem to go away. there's always something there to remind me. . . "trigger management" techniques have been my coping mechanisms since i learned how to recognize my triggered state. they work when i work them, though i often indulge in wishes that they would just go away. the internet is chockful of good trigger management techniques.

steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.
 
Welcome here!

Possibly your brain over working a trauma response?...
I'm thinking out loud here but this is what I thought when I heard your post...

it started with the word rape or something related to sexual abuse ..(As a trigger)... That understandably that caused a bodily reaction... then maybe the process of having that reaction got amplified as a protective response? So your brain started listening out for and making associations with other words to check if they are alright...or not...I.e that protective mechanism then just started getting played out even when not really appropriate. With any potentially triggering words. ..

(Which in itself as I understand it is quite a typical trauma response - having a mechanism to protect you which can get amplified to an unhealthy degree)...

Hearing is worse than reading you said. Possibly because of the consequences..
hearing it means it has the potential to be in face to face convo with someone where you may be exposed ..which is more threatening than reading to yourself - no interaction involved...
Hey beaneeboo, yes exactly, that's what's happening, spot on...I am able to see the humour in it, and how bizarre it is. I just find it hard to find a good method to constructively & progressively do something about it..

hello alex. welcome to the forum.

i need to vent a spot of envy that you have identified all your triggers. my own are far less predictable.

setting that aside, we share in common that those tricky, sticky buggers never seem to go away. there's always something there to remind me. . . "trigger management" techniques have been my coping mechanisms since i learned how to recognize my triggered state. they work when i work them, though i often indulge in wishes that they would just go away. the internet is chockful of good trigger management techniques.

steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.
Hey arfie, I'm sure there might be a way to be able to identify them at some point :) It took me quite a while as well.

How are your mechanisms looking if I can ask? I feel that for me, I know what helps me (sport, sleeping, sugar, orgasms, making music a long time etc), but I feel those are only treating the symptoms and not the cause. I feel that saying these words is the only way to reduce their power over me, in order to prove to my brain that I am safe. The synapses are quite hardenend by now so it will take a lot of time to unwind them, and it just would be so good to know how to go on about this...Say them everyday? every 2nd day? flood myself daily? say them before sleep? after waking up? etc....
 
every case is unique, alex. allow yourself to get strictly personal and creative in the coping mechanisms.

my own healing journey began in the 70's with "trauma induced amnesia." i had blocked all memory of my entire childhood. have i retrieved all of my memories? how can you know what all you have forgotten? i let that mystery be and give myself a predawn hour of meditation and personal inventory every day and ply the therapy tools, as needed. memory tests are part of my daily inventory. how much memory function do i have to work with today.

what's best for you is guaranteed to be different. stay true to you.
 
It's nice to see someone else gets triggered by words. "I miss you" and "Promise me?". Those are the big ones for me. I think I have several more that I don't recognize as easily. I think it gets better with more exposure, especially while being aware. Don't try to stop the reaction, just let it happen. I told my fiance that I don't mind if he says he misses me, but I won't say it back. So then it became a joke of how many different ways I can express the same sentiment without it feeling toxic. Like "I too, feel your absence" or "I yearn for your presence" or "I'm excited to see you tomorrow" etc. I just avoid making promises altogether. If someone wants me to make a promise, I usually rephrase it to something like "I will try my best to x" or just straightforward "I don't feel comfortable promising that". I'm a linguist, and I don't get triggered by words in other languages, so I used to journal, or talk to friends in that language instead to bypass my reactions but still deal with the situation. That is effective to me, to this day, but it was my saving grace as a teenager.
 
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