A product of a mind that has two many terrible memories and something is pairing things that don’t pair. Which is that much harder to just know. My other memories of abuse are very concrete.
Is there anyone so incrediably scary that your mind would protect you with a protector, there?
I know. It’s super f*cked. But children in countries in conflict do this so frequently (the memory is their parent killing everyone in the village, and taking the children on trucks to become soldiers; instead of the person who actually did, and it even holds/becomes more strongly reinforced if the child actually killed their parents on order from army/rebels. Their minds so desperate to cling to anything to counteract the horrors), that it’s known as carrying a “teddy bear” by local aid workers. It’s PART of why reuniting child soldiers with parents/family can go so horribly and violently wrong.
It’s also part of why searching harder FOR memories, creates so many false memories. Something horrible happened? Okay! Let’s give you a teddy bear to hold onto, and place someone you love, who protects you, there with you. In the only other role available.
I don’t …usually… weigh in on memory threads, because my ADHD brain? Will give honest answers. Because I believe that if a person is asking? They have the right to know. So I compress 12 years of school & textbooks & peer reviewed journals &professors; and however many years of first hand experience into a few paragraphs… which? Usually piss people off. So? One ADHD brain, to another?
There’s no way to know what actually happened, if you yourself don’t remember -or- press yourself to remember.
My best piece of advice? Don’t turn on your allies & beloved… if you can in any way avoid it. People who are sources of love & strength? Are few and far between. And precious. Until proven otherwise. Soak up all the love and strength you can.
