Feeling guilty for blaming deaf parents for their actions

[Bookreader68]

Hello,
I have decided to join a peer support group about child abuse. In reading the material and answering questions the one thing that keeps popping up in my head is, " They didn't know better because they were deaf and didn't receive information like they should have. So they went with what they knew. The abuse happened but I feel guilty for putting the responsibility on them when they just didn't know. Both sets of grandparents has familial issues that perhaps contributed to my parents not knowing better. I an at a loss!

 

[Sideways]

People can do immense harm to their children even with the very best of intentions. Lack of knowledge or insight, or skewed perception is very often at the heart of it.

Either way, simultaneously loving and hating? Is super common in child abuse victims. It’s not an easy thing to navigate.

It’s good that you’ve been able to identify conflicting emotions there. Maybe give yourself permission to be angry at them, even though you might understand what caused them to behave the way they did?

 

[Bookreader68]

Hello Ms. White,
Thank you for your insight. I feel better at understanding my conflict with loving and hating. So, I am going to give myself permission to be hurt and angry, because I do feel that. Especially I angry at my father. He is 93 yrs. old with dementia and I am caring for him every other month with my brother. It's difficult because he is aggressive with me at times. So he is definitely a trigger for me in my CPTSD. I have a counselor and a psychiatrist I am working with. This peer group helps.
Thank you and wishing you joy.

 

[arfie]

The abuse happened but I feel guilty for putting the responsibility on them when they just didn't know.

it helps me to separate my feelings from my facts in these psycho snot knots. facts never change. done is done. gone is gone, past is past. the future isn't knowable. regardless of how i feel about the fact. feelings change like water in a babbling brook. it is possible, even probable to feel more than one way about a single fact. for this very statement, the separation of facts and feelings might look like this:

facts
1) the abuse happened
2) it hurt
3) they just didn't know

feelings
1) gult
2) blame
3) confusion

separating my feelings from my facts helps me detach far enough to look for the serenity to accept what i cannot change, the courage to change what i can and the wisdom to know the difference. just praying. . . works in progress. . .

but that is me and every case is unique. . .
steadying support while you sort your own case. . .

 

[Bookreader68]

it helps me to separate my feelings from my facts in these psycho snot knots. facts never change. done is done. gone is gone, past is past. the future isn't knowable. regardless of how i feel about the fact. feelings change like water in a babbling brook. it is possible, even probable to feel more than one way about a single fact. for this very statement, the separation of facts and feelings might look like this:

facts
1) the abuse happened
2) it hurt
3) they just didn't know

feelings
1) gult
2) blame
3) confusion

separating my feelings from my facts helps me detach far enough to look for the serenity to accept what i cannot change, the courage to change what i can and the wisdom to know the difference. just praying. . . works in progress. . .

but that is me and every case is unique. . .
steadying support while you sort your own case. . .

Truth to what you've said! Amen! Amen! Amen!

 

[Tinyflame]

Really love @arfie 's description.

And somewhere I think in another thread (?) about being unable to identify losses in childhood; hard to know what one was missing when only what is known is what is considered normal.

Welcome @Coda66 !

ETA, Someone asked me yesterday if I like to cook. Well, I 'like' to cook -I hate baking for the most part- but because I've cooked all my life for others it's a treat to not 'have to' cook, though I couldn't care less what I eat on my own. i would never choose cooking as a primary hobby since I've done it since a child. It wasn't a 'like' exactly but more a need. There is nothing pleasurable about it; per se; it was either expected, or needed, or a requirement not to starve so to speak. (I was never in danger of starvation). Such things I don't blame or resent anyone for, but that is very different also than separating it from the pain of outright abuse. IMHO neglect is painful but in the ways of turning away or requiring self-sufficiency and 'adulthood/ lack of support and help and resources,' rather than a negative turning towards (abuse). Mind you they lump them together so they both have their consequences and challenges.

 

[Friday]

Both deaf & hearing parents can be

A) Assholes
B) Abusive Assholes
C) Attempting their best, but coming up short
D) Mediocre stand-ins for the truly bad/good
E) Practically perfect, in every way.

Being at a loss? “Just” means you’re breaking the trail / on new ground / making decisions based on your best guess, rather than self-assured long standing.

You will make mistakes. That’s okay. That’s part of learning & being part of something new. As long as you recognise them for what they are, make adjustments, adapt, & overcome… you’re well ahead of the game.

 

[Bookreader68]

Thank you for your input and your assurances. It is all new to me and I am just trying to sort through it.
Peace and Joy!
Coda66

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi @Coda66 I’m a CODA too! Never come across someone else who’s been a CODA and has CPTSD as well from abuse by said Deaf parents.

I’ve met other people with Deaf parents; not others who were abused by them. Which is the point. Ignorance isn’t an excuse. They could’ve asked for help. Were there Deaf clubs in your area? Did they have peers, friends?

feel guilty for putting the responsibility on them when they just didn't know

I’m probably projecting a little here but… didn’t know what? Neglect is bad, physical punishment is bad? That how they felt growing up was not right on some level?

If the answer to all of the above is still that they did not have any way of knowing their behaviour was harmful; you still shouldn’t feel guilty. As difficult as that is.

The amount of time and energy I’ve spent brainwashed into being the free interpreter and going “oh they just don’t understand”, is just plain sad. Ultimately, my parents had the responsibility to learn. If they didn’t know better, they should’ve recognised as just adult humans that they needed to learn how to care for a kid. And chose not to. That’s on them.

 

[Bookreader68]

Hi @Coda66 I’m a CODA too! Never come across someone else who’s been a CODA and has CPTSD as well from abuse by said Deaf parents.

I’ve met other people with Deaf parents; not others who were abused by them. Which is the point. Ignorance isn’t an excuse. They could’ve asked for help. Were there Deaf clubs in your area? Did they have peers, friends?



I’m probably projecting a little here but… didn’t know what? Neglect is bad, physical punishment is bad? That how they felt growing up was not right on some level?

If the answer to all of the above is still that they did not have any way of knowing their behaviour was harmful; you still shouldn’t feel guilty. As difficult as that is.

The amount of time and energy I’ve spent brainwashed into being the free interpreter and going “oh they just don’t understand”, is just plain sad. Ultimately, my parents had the responsibility to learn. If they didn’t know better, they should’ve recognised as just adult humans that they needed to learn how to care for a kid. And chose not to. That’s on them.

Hi,
I often wondered if other codas had the same problem as I did. But I guess not. I have often felt as if I was alone in this. I wonder if it's a generational thing. Parents born in the 1927 and 1930.
My paternal grandmother and grandfather lived next door but it was chaotic with alcoholism and at times abuse. So I think my dad thought that was OK. My mother I think was afraid of my Dad. Regardless it wasn't right. I told my Dad about his abuse but he kind of made excuses. It's funny how he has dementia and my brother and I take turns caring for him. He still hits me on the hand and trues to act like he is going to beat me but knows he doesn't have the ability anymore. There just wasn't any support for me or our family. Sad really! Thanks for your input.
Peace and joy,
Coda66

 

[Weemie]

The abuse happened but I feel guilty for putting the responsibility on them when they just didn't know.

I know loads of super highly intelligent, kind and compassionate D/deaf people. Forgive me for being blunt. Deaf people are perfectly capable of conducting themselves without abusing others. Your parents knew, they just didn't care about you in those moments.

 

[Ice_Fire]

wonder if it's a generational thing.

I don’t think it’s that either. We are in the minority with having been abused by our parents. The fact they’re Deaf doesn’t come into it honestly. Although it does bring extra challenges (isolation from peers growing up, additional responsibility as a child etc), it is not the reason. Nor is the generation.

I’m sorry to be blunt, but Deaf people are not bad parents. Our parents were bad parents. Also every Deaf person born in their generation are not bad parents. Nor are all hearing people of that generation.

Do you see the point I’m making? It is very easy and comforting to blame external factors and influences (Deafness, generation, ignorance, lack of education, whatever), but the truth is they were sh*tty parents who have no excuse for abusing you and your siblings.

chaotic with alcoholism and at times abuse

Have you heard of the generational trauma cycle? I.e great-grandparents were sh*tty people so the grandparents became sh*tty people, so the parents became….etc. Learning poor interpersonal skills; coping with abuse and seeing that modelled as correct parenting. That is where the problem is. And many many people blame the generation above them for their own behaviours “I didn’t know any better” or the real gem which is “I got hit and it didn’t do me any harm”. Except it always does do harm.

The lack of support I totally get and I do think that makes it worse. If your upbringing was like mine from a Deaf family point of view; there was nothing. I got left to be the unpaid interpreter/ grown-up phone call maker/ letter reader etc. Dealing with adult life things as a child and inevitably being blamed/shamed/abused whenever I didn’t get it right.

Thing is though, that’s on the Deaf parents too. They had a responsibility to not put those things onto their child. Instead they should’ve sought help, social care and support etc. Plenty of Deaf parents ensure that their kid has a childhood.

As for feeling alone in this, well that I do get because there are layers to this which I’ve not found anyone else has. As in, there are plenty folk here who were abused as a child who we have a lot in common with. There are other CODAs about who understand the uniqueness of growing up in a Deaf household as a hearing person. And then of course there are our hearing peers for which neither experience is true but make up the majority of people we have ever interacted with. And then there’s us, occupying a tiny wee portion of the Venn diagram all on our own. So I do understand that.