Relationship SUFFERERS - What has kept you committed to your long-term relationship with a non-sufferer?

[Confused1]

For the sufferers that are in long-term relationships or are married, what has kept you from completely bolting on your partner and cutting off all contact at any point throughout the relationship?

 

[arfie]

what has kept you from completely bolting on your partner and cutting off all contact at any point throughout the relationship?

my flight instinct is so overdeveloped that it would take a prison cell to keep me from bolting. it kinda makes be gag to call my hubs a "non-sufferer," but one name is as good as another. by whatever name, it's all his fault that we have been married 43 years. he let me bolt, then let me wait until i was ready to tell him --usually long distance-- what it was i was running from. he's an uncommonly good listener and improving with age.

alas, there was a mournful amount of suffering attached to his epic patience. amends in progress.

for what it's worth
my overdeveloped flight instinct is still pretty intense, but i don't run quite as far as i used to before i turn around and work things out.

 

[user27357]

what has kept me married? Doses of pragmatism as tolerated, with a background level of patience. She is also unfortunately a PTSD diagnosed sufferer, we have almost no similar events, but the diagnosis is shared.
I was first, and arguably worst. speaking for myself, maybe it was a sense that divorce or separation meant a failed life. I am set on a path of supporting my family the best i possibly can and that alone has kept me here almost forty years.
Pragmatism: There is no path to happiness that leads out of this house and our marriage. We stay and work at it, even when that means we dont even speak for months at a time. It beats the alternative of feeling like i have lived a life that failed for months at a time, been there and felt that, it got better because i stayed. I might feel better about it someday if i left, but i seriously seriously doubt it.

 

[Aprilshowers]

My husband and I will celebrate our 47th anniversary this year. I would never run from this incredible man, but I've often wondered why he hasn't fled from the complete crazy nut case I am.

 

[Freida]

We are at 30 (holy crap!)
We waited till we were both in a calm space then set rules we agreed on long ago
I have to tell him I'm going, call him from wherever I land and check in at least once a day
He has to not try to stop me, know its not about him, and not badger me about why I'm taking off
Then when I get back we can discuss it

Over the years it's gotten to where I can "run" to a room In the house and hibernate there instead of actually leaving town, so thats been nice, not to mention way cheaper!

Oh! As to why I stay? Simple. My life is better with him than without him

 

[somerandomguy]

13 years here.

Honestly? I think the only thing that keeps my wife married to me is the fact that she is extremely forgiving and that she can see that I am working on my issues. That and we have a mortgage and two kids and breaking up would be a complete wreck.

The mortgage and kids thing is also why I stay. I also like being married to her when I'm not in PTSD land. I remember what being single was like - it sucked.

 

[Confused1]

I'm loving all of these responses! It's so interesting to see how couples dealing with PTSD make it work. It seems like it requires the supporter to have a great deal of forgiveness which, in turn, creates a safer environment for the sufferer to come back to...and an immense amount of love from both ends :)

 

[arfie]

It's so interesting to see how couples dealing with PTSD make it work. It seems like it requires the supporter to have a great deal of forgiveness which, in turn, creates a safer environment

i don't care to run the surveys, but seems to me that rings true for diagnosis-free couples, as well. it is far easier to marry the one you love than it is to love the one you marry.

 

[Freida]

t requires the supporter to have a great deal of forgiveness which, i

actually I think this works both ways. There have been times I've had to forgive hubby for things he's said or done when he's been frustrated with me. I know it's not easy to live with a sufferer, but supporters can sometimes be the thing that triggers you. Especially when it's the "victim of living with someone with ptsd" day.

But like @arfie says - the same can be said for any couple, ptsd or not.. Things get heated and things are said and things escalate. Spend enough time with someone and you will end up fighting with them -its human nature.

What's important is what happens next - how the fight is ended and how you move forward to make sure it doesn't happen again

 

[Movingforward10]

Undiagnosed here.
20 years together this year. (Planning a party for it!).

Very simply: she makes me a better person.

And without her, I know my life would not be as rich, as loving, as interesting.

And she gives me freedom. We do lots of things apart. We separate out a lot of our lives. So the way we navigate the relationship works for us.

 

[oh!theperspicacity]

13 years here.

Honestly? I think the only thing that keeps my wife married to me is the fact that she is extremely forgiving and that she can see that I am working on my issues. That and we have a mortgage and two kids and breaking up would be a complete wreck.

The mortgage and kids thing is also why I stay. I also like being married to her when I'm not in PTSD land. I remember what being single was like - it sucked.

I also stay because of our son and the mortgage. A couples therapist once told me these aren't good reasons to stay but, like you said, being single sucks. That and my tendency to default to fawning. I mean I've been with my husband 11yrs. That's a long time. And if we were to separate, we'd still be in relationship of sorts (i.e. would have to be amicable) because of our son. I want to make it work but damn he's hard work and I'm the one with the cptsd! For the longest time I was in denial about having married someone who wasn't a good fit. But I said my vowels and I'm in for the long haul now.

 

[Lucycat]

Wow. It’s all so positive.
I will be honest. I tried to end the relationship after about 13 years. I just thought I wasn’t good enough. He put me on a pedestal and I was not worthy.

But, after some hard times, we are still together. This year was our 39th anniversary.

I do wonder how or why we have survived as a couple.