Coping with Unfulfilled Family Expectations

[BuildingSelf24]

I’ve kind of been avoiding this forum in particular. I didn’t want to talk about my relationships and just focus on making myself feel better and more functional.

I realize that I hold a lot of sadness because I know I deserve to be treated better by my family but I don’t think it’s going to happen. I don’t have any hope for it even though it’s what I want.

How have people who have experienced the same handled this? I’m not sure what to do or how to handle the feelings and thoughts.

 

[Chesh]

Acceptance. Honesty. Smidge of humility. AKA? Believing people are who they are, instead of who I want them to be.

 

[arfie]

i STILL keep the focus on my own healing, with frequent reminders that i don't GET to heal other people, not even when i am the sole cause of a particular dysfunction. those dysfunctional relationships have important things to teach me about my own dysfunctions. venting freely and often about those relationships within the anonymity of my therapy support network helps me sort my part from their part. keeping the focus on my part while trusting them to their own higher power helps me keep my expectations realistic. i recite the serenity prayer often while works are in progress.

god, please grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
courage to change the things i can
and wisdom to know the difference.

 

[Movingforward10]

Acceptance. Honesty. Smidge of humility. AKA? Believing people are who they are, instead of who I want them to be.

All of this.


Acceptance is key.

I found that separating out 'a desire for' and an 'acceptance of', was helpful. I.e I accept they are who they are. And I engage with them (or not) on that basis.
But the desire for difference might come and go. That desire might rear it's head a bit more than at other times.

 

[Muttly]

I think part of the acceptance for me, is understanding there will be times when I feel that longing. When I wish I'd gotten more from my family. I've detached the judgement of those feelings though. I am not wrong or weak for feeling that. So, the feelings happen and I focus on how I can meet my needs and my healing. It

 

[BuildingSelf24]

Acceptance. Honesty. Smidge of humility. AKA? Believing people are who they are, instead of who I want them to be.

I think the acceptance part is hard for me. I don’t want to accept that some people will act in unsavory ways and that they can’t change. But I guess there’s a difference in the possibility for change and them actually wanting to and taking steps to. So I guess it’s possible but just unlikely.

i STILL keep the focus on my own healing, with frequent reminders that i don't GET to heal other people

I definitely relate to that. I tried to a few years ago and it was honestly retraumatizing. I’ve given up on trying to heal people or even getting them to see that they need to. Just a waste of time and effort on my part and I don’t need anymore disappointment.

keeping the focus on my part while trusting them to their own higher power helps me keep my expectations realistic.

I don’t believe in a higher power but I do believe in the inevitable consequences of actions. We all have to live with the consequences of our actions good or bad, we’ll-intended or not. I kind of take comfort in that even though it sounds a bit high horsey.

please grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change

That’s very interesting. I think a part of me is pushing away serenity and not accepting things so I don’t have to move on. I’m not exactly sure why. It’s something I’ll have to dig deeper into.

But the desire for difference might come and go. That desire might rear it's head a bit more than at other times.

I think part of the acceptance for me, is understanding there will be times when I feel that longing. When I wish I'd gotten more from my family. I've detached the judgement of those feelings though. I am not wrong or weak for feeling that. So, the feelings happen and I focus on how I can meet my needs and my healing. It

I guess it’s okay to feel that desire from time to time. It doesn’t mean that I’m betraying myself. Thank you guys!

 

[arfie]

the inevitable consequences of actions

that sounds like a higher power, to me, especially in regards to attempting to heal other people. nobody can take the inevitable consequences of my actions, except me, however hard i may work to evade or deny those inevitable consequences. ditto for whomever it is i wish i could heal this week.

I think a part of me is pushing away serenity and not accepting things so I don’t have to move on.

me, too. the first time i experienced a moment of serenity, it triggered a panic attack. i thought i had had a stroke and was suffering sudden brain damage. that was thirty odd years ago and i have become a bit more familiar with that silence between my ears, but i still suffer the occasional panic attack over it. at 69, that stroke has become a more distinct possibility. the ongoing head noise assures me the organ is still functioning.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

that sounds like a higher power, to me, especially in regards to attempting to heal other people. nobody can take the inevitable consequences of my actions, except me, however hard i may work to evade or deny those inevitable consequences. ditto for whomever it is i wish i could heal this week.

me, too. the first time i experienced a moment of serenity, it triggered a panic attack. i thought i had had a stroke and was suffering sudden brain damage. that was thirty odd years ago and i have become a bit more familiar with that silence between my ears, but i still suffer the occasional panic attack over it. at 69, that stroke has become a more distinct possibility. the ongoing head noise assures me the organ is still functioning.

I have definitely been triggered into a panic attack by the silence. I want the silence so I can focus better but at the same time it’s frightening being without it like I’m being left all alone or abandoned.

 

[LunaticOnTheFritz]

I’ve kind of been avoiding this forum in particular. I didn’t want to talk about my relationships and just focus on making myself feel better and more functional.

I realize that I hold a lot of sadness because I know I deserve to be treated better by my family but I don’t think it’s going to happen. I don’t have any hope for it even though it’s what I want.

How have people who have experienced the same handled this? I’m not sure what to do or how to handle the feelings and thoughts.

Welcome to the club. I deserved a better life and a more loving family than what I got. It has hurt for a hell of a long time. I have learned to accept that it's never gonna change no matter what I do or say.

I have just gotten used to it. I think the only time he tells me he loves me or says anything nice at all is because he feels guilty. He only wants to talk to me or spend time with me because he's lonely. Otherwise he wouldn't bother.

I finally quit waiting around and just decided to move on with my life. I started working on my healing from my past. Being here is part of that.

I feel less alone with background noise...tv or music. I know I sound kinda callous but none of them have cared about me so I don't feel I should have to worry about them anymore since they don't give a damn about me.

At some point I think we have to get rid of the idea that the people who mistreat us are gonna somehow change & just let it go for our own sanity.