General *sigh* and so it continues - Dealing with the aftermath of ending a toxic relationship

[nursenurse]

We all get through it with time, but block her now. It leaves you in control, not her, otherwise you will self flagellate more on Sunday if she doesn’t call, and you have had more than your share of that. And if she calls? More doubt, more hurt, more pain. Again, you have had enough.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

She just replied “I’ve moved on and have nothing more to say.”

Brutal . Cold. Callous.

and wasn’t good enough for her - and this new guy will be perfect,

Try not to doubt yourself - NO the new guy won't be perfect - she will most likely move on from him too.
-Self care - your priority.
-Don't be too hard on yourself- you are grieving and grief isn't linear.

Those of us who value our partners will do whatever we can to reach out ( make contact , try to talk, find a compromise )which looks like what you have attempted.

She went off with two other guys the week after she broke up with me - and then she came back to me with the same old stuff, and I entertained it like an idiot.

Two guys in a week ??

Reality check - She places no value on you.
It is only when we truly love and care for someone that we grieve the loss and connecting with someone else is virtually impossible during that time of "mourning" the relationship and what it could have been.

 

[Friday]

And y’know, I still find it hard to admit that she really was abusive… because how could that happen to me, and isn’t it a bit extreme to say it was that bad?

There’s a self defense mechanism humans do that assigns blame when something happens to someone else, but cause when it happens to us. (It has a name. I forget what it is.)

- THEY slipped because they weren’t paying attention, are clumsy, couldn’t be bothered to, etc. etc. etc.

- I slipped because there was ICE! ANYONE would have slipped!!!

Once you recognize this pattern? You’ll start seeing it everywhere. Everyday nonsense to tragedy.

How could this have happened to you? Because it can happen to ANYONE. Not just the types and kind of people the defense mechanism in your head tells you it happens to, so you’re “safe”; because you’re reasonable/rational/intelligent, self confident, respect yourself, strong, whatever.

I presumed that she’d never find another guy naive enough to take her on, and she’s found one incredibly quickly.
What to make of that…? How did she do it?

Shrug. Some people date easily. Sometimes people just get lucky, and even if they don’t connect easily, or take time between breakups, stumble into a new relationship right out the gate. Others believe that the best way over one man, is under another.

As you’re no longer dating? It’s all rather academic. IE Why make anything of it? Why keep focusing on her and her life, instead of you & your life? <<< Except that it’s a common side effect of abuse, to remain obsessed about what they’re doing, why, what it means to you, should you, should they, what if, would, could, aieeeeeeeee. >>> Which means it’s something to actively stop yourself from doing, whenever you find yourself doing it.

Focusing on what’s “best”, or “right”, or “should/shouldn’t be”, or annything else in her life? Is her responsibility.

That’s part of breaking up. They do them, in whatever way they decide to & we do us, in whatever way we decide to. Our privileges in their life, and theirs in ours? Have been revoked. She doesn’t get to tell you how to live your life, nor does your opinion about how she lives hers have any bearing.

If it helps? Think about other non-romantic relationships you’ve ended. If your old boss from a job you quit wanted to give you a performance review of how they think you’re doing in your new job? Wants to know why you aren’t at work today? Thinks your wardrobe, attitude, whatever is lacking? That. Would. Be. Weird. Because they’re not your boss anymore, and have no rights to you in your new job.

I wish I could tell her, but it’s all a bit too late for that now, I guess!

Another common side effect of abuse; seeking their acknowledgment / approval for things that are none of their damn business.

I will block everything on Sunday if I haven’t heard from her though, and I know I won’t, because I don’t think she cares - she has what she wants, probably.

Agree really strongly with @nursenurse

 

[Anon1]

I'll reply to these posts properly when I'm home, but I'll just express this quickly -

The reason I think about her with that other guy, is that if it works out with them, I feel like everything she said about me is true.

And that it justifies all of her words, and many of her actions.

Because she was right, and I was wrong. And now I'm 'less than'.

If it doesn't work out, maybe I get to say "Okay... so another guy wouldn't have done much better."

And maybe the worst thing is realising that I'd like to tell her this, not just because I want her to be sorry, but also because I want her to see my hurt and to hold me through it.

Like she would've held me before.

And isn't that a kind of messed up thing to realise? I just realised it as I was typing.

 

[nursenurse]

You are playing the victim here. Shake your head and grow up a bit. This is unhealthy. You are in charge of your own rut to crawl out of. And until you decide you want out and more for yourself, not a darned thing anyone here says will make a difference. We always say that sufferers are in charge of themselves, their own reactions, managing their triggers. The same goes with supporters and every other person in the human race. You are in charge of you, your actions and your reactions. What is happening in your brain to think that you have to settle for a toxic abusive relationship, because you figured that no one else would want her, and that no one else would want you? This smacks of desperation and something a psychologist/psychiatrist needs to deal with. Only you can pull your own head out of your arse on this one. Life can be beautiful, but only if you can see your own light.

 

[Anon1]

Sufferers need to manage their triggers because of the impact on themselves and others.

But that doesn't mean they can't find a safe space to share and make sense of their experiences.

That's what I'm doing here.

The weight of this situation has hit me this weekend in a way that it hasn't before.

I've finally realised what it was really like, and I feel very emotional about it.

I'm not averse to 'tough love', and you're possibly right - maybe I do need to pull myself together a bit.

But for the moment, it feels appropriate for me to take a little time to feel this.

I'm writing things on here because I know little about CPTSD, and I've never been in an abusive relationship before.

It's a helpful to have signposts and insights about what's normal, what's expected, and how I can move forward.

As much as I appreciate some of the helpful things in your post nursenurse, I sense there's some of your stuff coming across in the ranty tone of it, and I won't take that on. That's not helpful at the moment.

 

[Anon1]

There’s a self defense mechanism humans do that assigns blame when something happens to someone else, but cause when it happens to us. (It has a name. I forget what it is.)

- THEY slipped because they weren’t paying attention, are clumsy, couldn’t be bothered to, etc. etc. etc.

- I slipped because there was ICE! ANYONE would have slipped!!!

Once you recognize this pattern? You’ll start seeing it everywhere. Everyday nonsense to tragedy.

How could this have happened to you? Because it can happen to ANYONE. Not just the types and kind of people the defense mechanism in your head tells you it happens to, so you’re “safe”; because you’re reasonable/rational/intelligent, self confident, respect yourself, strong, whatever.


Shrug. Some people date easily. Sometimes people just get lucky, and even if they don’t connect easily, or take time between breakups, stumble into a new relationship right out the gate. Others believe that the best way over one man, is under another.

As you’re no longer dating? It’s all rather academic. IE Why make anything of it? Why keep focusing on her and her life, instead of you & your life? <<< Except that it’s a common side effect of abuse, to remain obsessed about what they’re doing, why, what it means to you, should you, should they, what if, would, could, aieeeeeeeee. >>> Which means it’s something to actively stop yourself from doing, whenever you find yourself doing it.

Focusing on what’s “best”, or “right”, or “should/shouldn’t be”, or annything else in her life? Is her responsibility.

That’s part of breaking up. They do them, in whatever way they decide to & we do us, in whatever way we decide to. Our privileges in their life, and theirs in ours? Have been revoked. She doesn’t get to tell you how to live your life, nor does your opinion about how she lives hers have any bearing.

If it helps? Think about other non-romantic relationships you’ve ended. If your old boss from a job you quit wanted to give you a performance review of how they think you’re doing in your new job? Wants to know why you aren’t at work today? Thinks your wardrobe, attitude, whatever is lacking? That. Would. Be. Weird. Because they’re not your boss anymore, and have no rights to you in your new job.


Another common side effect of abuse; seeking their acknowledgment / approval for things that are none of their damn business.


Agree really strongly with @nursenurse

Yeah, I hear this.

Jeez, I was very upset when I wrote my posts earlier - I think I'm finally confronting what it was, and facing up to it properly.

It's not easy, it really hurts actually.

But yeah... I wish it didn't have to come to me blocking her, because it's not what I want. I want us to be okay (even just as friends), but it's not happening that way somehow... and in the end, maybe this is the best for all concerned... I hate to say it, but it certainly is for me...

Brutal . Cold. Callous.


Try not to doubt yourself - NO the new guy won't be perfect - she will most likely move on from him too.
-Self care - your priority.
-Don't be too hard on yourself- you are grieving and grief isn't linear.

Those of us who value our partners will do whatever we can to reach out ( make contact , try to talk, find a compromise )which looks like what you have attempted.


Two guys in a week ??

Reality check - She places no value on you.
It is only when we truly love and care for someone that we grieve the loss and connecting with someone else is virtually impossible during that time of "mourning" the relationship and what it could have been.

Aye, I guess this is true!

Sure wish I didn't move country for it though

I think she did care really... but it's like she couldn't sustain it, and I get the feeling I was on a pedestal at first, and then got knocked off. And that was that.

Yknow what? I'm really tired...!

I'm going to go and get a little sleep :)

 

[Friday]

But yeah... I wish it didn't have to come to me blocking her, because it's not what I want. I want us to be okay (even just as friends), but it's not happening that way somehow... and in the end, maybe this is the best for all concerned... I hate to say it, but it certainly is for me...

Blocking is a pretty cool modern phone feature.

I used to have to just change my number.

I’d leave the other one active for awhile, so they didn’t hear…

ding ding ding

We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again.

ding ding ding

…and attempt to reach me by other methods, before I knew I was strong enough to stay the f*ck away &/or not have contact f*ck up my day <<< I’m the kind of person who remains friends with most of my exes. But some people? Don’t grasp that, and keep trying to get back together. Nope. You may do the break up and get back together thing. I don’t. Done is done. Don’t call me, don’t come to my house, don’t come to my work, don’t reach out to my friends or family, we’re DONE… and then I’d put that phone in a drawer & get a new number.

 

[Anon1]

Blocking is a pretty cool modern phone feature.

I used to have to just change my number.

I’d leave the other one active for awhile, so they didn’t hear…

ding ding ding

We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again.

ding ding ding

…and attempt to reach me by other methods, before I knew I was strong enough to stay the f*ck away &/or not have contact f*ck up my day <<< I’m the kind of person who remains friends with most of my exes. But some people? Don’t grasp that, and keep trying to get back together. Nope. You may do the break up and get back together thing. I don’t. Done is done. Don’t call me, don’t come to my house, don’t come to my work, don’t reach out to my friends or family, we’re DONE… and then I’d put that phone in a drawer & get a new number.

Ha! That sounds annoying (having to change number etc).

Yeah, I'd have loved to keep a low-level friendship, but it's hard - they've still been going 'no contact' then coming back for a bit, then going without warning.

It's just enough to keep them on my mind and guessing where we're actually at.

I thought they were probably just finding it a bit hard to navigate, and that it'd balance out again with some patience.

But I think maybe they were just kinda detaching while I was hanging in there a bit.

It's felt all on their terms from the start, and I'm not blaming them for that - I've just realised how it was draining me...

It hurts, but it happens I guess!

 

[Movingforward10]

I'll reply to these posts properly when I'm home, but I'll just express this quickly -

The reason I think about her with that other guy, is that if it works out with them, I feel like everything she said about me is true.

And that it justifies all of her words, and many of her actions.

Because she was right, and I was wrong. And now I'm 'less than'.

If it doesn't work out, maybe I get to say "Okay... so another guy wouldn't have done much better."

And maybe the worst thing is realising that I'd like to tell her this, not just because I want her to be sorry, but also because I want her to see my hurt and to hold me through it.

Like she would've held me before.

And isn't that a kind of messed up thing to realise? I just realised it as I was typing.

You're letting her have A LOT of power over you, your sense of your self worth, and your current state of mind.

Maybe practising that internal diaglogue you're having with yourself to take more control of your thoughts. And that will then help build a sense of self worth.

My T once said to me "you're more than how X interact with you". That was in response to my parents. But it works for all relationships. Why does this relationship define who you are?
What has it triggered in you that you allow someone else's (appalling) behaviour mean that their opinion/behaviour is a marker you use to judge yourself?
Counter the negative messages. They are now your internal messages. Not hers, as she has left. You're carrying on the abuse to yourself by carrying on the negative messages.

Break ups are horrible. Realising it was abusive when you couldn't see that before creates a mind mess. But the only way of you feeling better is you challenging your thought processes.

 

[Anon1]

You're letting her have A LOT of power over you, your sense of your self worth, and your current state of mind.

Maybe practising that internal diaglogue you're having with yourself to take more control of your thoughts. And that will then help build a sense of self worth.

My T once said to me "you're more than how X interact with you". That was in response to my parents. But it works for all relationships. Why does this relationship define who you are?
What has it triggered in you that you allow someone else's (appalling) behaviour mean that their opinion/behaviour is a marker you use to judge yourself?
Counter the negative messages. They are now your internal messages. Not hers, as she has left. You're carrying on the abuse to yourself by carrying on the negative messages.

Break ups are horrible. Realising it was abusive when you couldn't see that before creates a mind mess. But the only way of you feeling better is you challenging your thought processes.

Thank you - I appreciate the affirmation and also the challenge.

I know, too.

This has maybe been one of the worst things I think I've gone through.

Maybe not on paper, but it's just been such a mess.

But yes - I have allowed it to happen, and yes I have internalised too much of it.

I feel like absolute crap now, but today is ground zero of a stronger, better me.

I will process, heal and move forward - and I'll piece together the parts of myself which helped this mess to happen.

I think I already know where to begin.

I have a big old empty feeling in my stomach, and I feel physically ill... and it hurts... but I also think it'll make a better man of me.

And when I come out of it, I'll be kind and gentle, but also have much needed stronger boundaries and a little healthy drive and self belief, so that I can protect myself a little better.

In short, I'll be morally better for it - because good people can be tough when needed.

And I trust that she will be great too, but I need to do all I can to stop worrying about that bit now.

 

[Ecdysis]

I went through a similar dynamic in an abusive relationship with someone who had childhood trauma but was refusing treatment for it...

Somehow, abusive dynamics like that tap into a very vulnerable, deep part of us... which is what makes it so complicated...

We don't respond to that dynamic from the rational, adult part of our psyche...

The abuse taps into something very deep and vulnerable in us... and untangling THAT is super difficult...

It would be so easy, if it had only affected us on the rational/ adult level of our psyche...