Sexual Assault Exploring Childhood Trauma in Therapy: Overcoming Memories

[6675tracy]

I've been in therapy for about 18 months now. I've just started opening up to my counsellor with details of childhood SA as I was experiencing some intense flashbacks/nightmares. Since going in to detail with her last week, and I mean every detail with a couple of instances that were on replay in my head, more memories have arisen. I'm so overwhelmed with how these memories are playing out, all I can see is darkness. The first 23 years of my life were hell, the next 13 had lots of highs and few lows, but I now feel like by starting this process I've unlocked a box that probably should have been left closed. As more and more crops up I'm starting to doubt my memories. Could anyone really have had this much crap in their lives? There is one common denominator in all of it. Me! Does that make me the problem? Do I therefore have the right to host my own pity party? I just can't imagine everything being free of my own mind. Is therapy doing me more harm than good? At what point do I call it quits and say enough is enough?

 

[arfie]

hello stracy. welcome to the forum.

but I now feel like by starting this process I've unlocked a box that probably should have been left closed.

if repression could keep that box closed, the world would be a perfect place by now. as it is, i'll go with the adage that attempting to forget is a fool's wish to do it all again. confronting and resolving those memories is the only way i have found to take back the power stolen from me by the trauma. the energy i used to invest in keeping that proverbial box closed is now free to be used in more productive ways.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.

 

[Quassus]

I had a similar thoughts just yesterday. The flashbacks get more real and everything I remember about my younger life seems like a totally different life/person. It's like things keep coming and I'm reliving them and it's insane. How can it all be true AND I didn't remember it?? It's incredible

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes it's odd isn't it @Quassus - for me it's like I 'know' but it's totally off the radar.

I agree with @arfie . It takes sooo much energy. But also bleeds in the background in to virtually everything else. Either way you can't go back now, that isn't an option I don't think.

I remember feeling great joy when I could connect some dots. Even though I can't remember what the dots were now, as now it's just accepted.

I think a big part is and remains what (I) am guilty of and what I'm not. Perhaps if someone could have told me at the time(s) it wouldn't have cause the effects it did. "It's not your fault" in advance of ruminating about it and self blame made a difference with other times. Mind you, I suppose you'd also have to believe who tells you that.

It's also weird to think what "isn't" there can be a complicating problem, like neglect.

Welcome to you!

PS, good for you because I believe they say spitting it all out is the way to go. Of course, more surfaces. Like peeling an onion. But still that is very brave. Hugs to you.

 

[6675tracy]

I had a similar thoughts just yesterday. The flashbacks get more real and everything I remember about my younger life seems like a totally different life/person. It's like things keep coming and I'm reliving them and it's insane. How can it all be true AND I didn't remember it?? It's incredible

I remember a lot of it happening, just without detail. I hope you find a way to navigate through.

 

[Movingforward10]

I've unlocked a box that probably should have been left closed.

This is the really really tough thing about trauma therapy. We're uncovering all the things we stored away so we could get on and survive. And now we're digging it all up. This stage of therapy is the hardest hardest part. Because you're in that transition of digging it up and in the process of learning how to cope with it. I always say how I felt like I was free falling off a cliff.

Does that make me the problem?

Nope. 100% nope. If you are the problem, then we're all the problem! And if you can think about what happened to you happening to another child, I'm sure you wouldn't blame that other child. So why blame you? I know how easy that is to say and how incredibly hard that is to feel. Self blame is such a big thing to work through. But it can be worked through.

Do I therefore have the right to host my own pity party?

It's not a pity party. It's trauma. And traumatic feelings.

Is therapy doing me more harm than good? At what point do I call it quits and say enough is enough?

Therapy gets worse before it gets better. It's so incredibly tough.
In my (limited? Not limited? Idk) experience, sticking with it has helped me. I think had I left at the stage you are at now then I would have been stuck in that state and not healed. Sticking through it has helped me to shift the doubt and self blame and guilt and disbelief etc etc etc etc.

 

[6675tracy]

hello stracy. welcome to the forum.

if repression could keep that box closed, the world would be a perfect place by now. as it is, i'll go with the adage that attempting to forget is a fool's wish to do it all again. confronting and resolving those memories is the only way i have found to take back the power stolen from me by the trauma. the energy i used to invest in keeping that proverbial box closed is now free to be used in more productive ways.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.

Thank you

 

[6675tracy]

This is the really really tough thing about trauma therapy. We're uncovering all the things we stored away so we could get on and survive. And now we're digging it all up. This stage of therapy is the hardest hardest part. Because you're in that transition of digging it up and in the process of learning how to cope with it. I always say how I felt like I was free falling off a cliff.

Nope. 100% nope. If you are the problem, then we're all the problem! And if you can think about what happened to you happening to another child, I'm sure you wouldn't blame that other child. So why blame you? I know how easy that is to say and how incredibly hard that is to feel. Self blame is such a big thing to work through. But it can be worked through.

It's not a pity party. It's trauma. And traumatic feelings.

Therapy gets worse before it gets better. It's so incredibly tough.
In my (limited? Not limited? Idk) experience, sticking with it has helped me. I think had I left at the stage you are at now then I would have been stuck in that state and not healed. Sticking through it has helped me to shift the doubt and self blame and guilt and disbelief etc etc etc etc.

Thank you for your words. I'm just struggling to see this as 'healing' when it all just looks so bleak. It wasn't just people using me for their sexual gratification, I was abandoned by both parents, and lots of other things too. I am in no way shape or form saying that anyone else is to blame for what happened to them. I know the circumstances of my childhood, so am able to make a judgement. I know that the SA was wrong, I just also know the part I played in it all if it is in fact all true. It's just impossible to know.
I would just like to live as a normal functioning member of society and I just don't feel as though digging up the past is going to help that happen. I really don't even know what processing means! Isn't it just, dragging it all back up?

 

[Movingforward10]

I just also know the part I played in it all if it is in fact all true

You were a child. Whatever happened, you were abused and you did nothing wrong, at all. You’ll see how many people on here blame themselves, and that somehow their behaviour, feelings, actions, perceived lack of actions, made them responsible for what an adult did to them. But that’s all part of the psychological impact of CSA. And these beliefs and thoughts you have where you hold yourself responsible, can change.

really don't even know what processing means! Isn't it just, dragging it all back up?

the way I see it is, it’s like opening the boxes that is crammed full of trauma all mixed in together. Throwing all the pieces in the air, and then as they come fluttering back down, putting them back together in an orderly coherent fashion. so that what happened remains in the past. Part of your story and part of what makes you the person you are today. But that the weight and reliving it are lessened and you can function and live life in the here and now.

 

[E.G.T]

I've been in therapy for about 18 months now. I've just started opening up to my counsellor with details of childhood SA as I was experiencing some intense flashbacks/nightmares. Since going in to detail with her last week, and I mean every detail with a couple of instances that were on replay in my head, more memories have arisen. I'm so overwhelmed with how these memories are playing out, all I can see is darkness. The first 23 years of my life were hell, the next 13 had lots of highs and few lows, but I now feel like by starting this process I've unlocked a box that probably should have been left closed. As more and more crops up I'm starting to doubt my memories. Could anyone really have had this much crap in their lives? There is one common denominator in all of it. Me! Does that make me the problem? Do I therefore have the right to host my own pity party? I just can't imagine everything being free of my own mind. Is therapy doing me more harm than good? At what point do I call it quits and say enough is enough?

First of all, good for you for trying to work through the trauma. It is so hard to take that step and face the pain of your past. It may seem easier to keep it buried, but burying it doesn't make it go away. It is very common to blame onesself for the trauma, but remember, you are not responsible for other people's choices and actions. What happened to you is NOT your fault.

It may help to have a discussion with your therapist about where your therapy is going. Maybe this therapist or form of therapy isn't the right match for you, or perhaps it would be helpful to slow things down so that it is more within your window of tolerance. Healing takes time, and it is far from an easy process, but it is worth it. You are worth it. Please don't give up on yourself.

Sending you lots of support. Best of luck.