Sexual Assault Repressed Anger due to history of sexual abuse

[oswaldscutetinyhat]

I’ve been trying to work through some anger and sorrow. Due to my sexual abuse, I go through phases of being horny 24/7 to extreme sex repulsion to the point of panic attacks. I was molested by my older brothers’ friend when I just turned 4. He was 13 and I never told anyone but there were times I remember us being at his house and my brothers being a few feet in front of us while he molested me. That lasted maybe 2 months and not long after I started being sexually abused by my dad’s girlfriends nephew. He was only 7 at the time but he was an aggressive, cruel, bratty child who got handed a lot of things and was never disciplined. I still remember the first time he assaulted me. It was in the car after church and all 4 of my siblings were there, my dad was driving and his crazy negligent girlfriend was in the passenger seat. He was blatantly assaulting me and it still makes me feel nauseous and embarrassed. I looked so obviously uncomfortable and I kept trying to push his hands away to which he responded to aggressively. I just felt like they saw and thought to themselves that I wanted that. I was abused for 4 years every weekend and maybe it was our environment. Maybe the verbal, physical and emotional abuse and constant chaos just normalized it to a point. I’m a little upset no one asked me anything but I also understand why. I became hypersexual after the first initial abuse and had the same bubbly, loud personality. I was SA’d again at 16 by my 21yr old co-worker and that experience made me remember repressed memories and triggered my fight or flight that I’ve been trying to stabilize in the past 5 years. I still dissociate a lot but it’s getting easier to cope and stay grounded due to my hobbies but I still feel overwhelming amounts of rage and confusion towards my trauma. Maybe a little towards the universe and I feel a little guilty for feeling that way.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum. That’s a lot to be working through - makes a lot of sense that there’s anger and grief going on as you heal.

I’ve been trying to work through some anger and sorrow

Do you have someone that’s helping you with this?

 

[oswaldscutetinyhat]

Welcome to the forum. That’s a lot to be working through - makes a lot of sense that there’s anger and grief going on as you heal.


Do you have someone that’s helping you with this?

No, not really. I tried getting a therapist that specializes in EMDR but there aren’t many in my area. I’m trying to handle my trauma in doses and being as gentle as I possibly can. I’ve been a lot more honest with myself and lowering my guard, showing myself that it’s safe to participate in my life. I’ve found a lot of solace and peace within writing about the pain of the past. I think I just feel a little lonely in this because no one in my life really understands. I told my closest friend and when I first brought it up, I just felt like I was making her uncomfortable and a tad bored so I didn’t say much about my abuse and she didn’t say anything. I don’t really expect people to understand but the non-response also hurt a bit. I finally told my mom maybe 6 months ago about everything except my brothers friend (she’s friends with his mom and both of my brothers are still friends with the guy) because I didn’t want to cause problems, I just want to heal. She comforted me, told me everything I needed to hear and apologized for not protecting me more. Thanks for the warm welcome!

 

[arfie]

hello oswald. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

hypersexuality -that extreme swing between compulsion and revulsion to sex- was one of my more pronounced symptoms from having survived child sex trafficking. my own treatment, waaaaay back in the last millennium, was mindfully channeling the urges and working closely with my therapy support network to analyze what was happening as it was happening. emphasis on "working closely with my therapy network." this is not safe territory to travel alone. backup needed. family and friends don't have the objectivity to provide good backup.

the bulk of my own healing happened before the current treatment plans had coalesced into specialties. i am grateful i didn't wait for the proper specialists to materialize. working with who/what was available provided far more healing options than waiting for Doctor Right. in retrospect, i solidly believe that psychotic pendulum swing didn't leave me the objectivity to know what i needed, anyway. the guidance was priceless, despite the absence of accredited specialists.

but that is me from another millennium and every case is unique in any millennium.

steadying support while you find your own healing path. welcome aboard.

 

[Hedge]

I am really sorry for what you had to endure. Your anger is natural and a good therapist may be of support as you work through your issues. There is the anger, the sorrow and the grief of losing one’s innocence in a world that should have been safe. That is what CSA does to us.

I remember being in a men’s support group hosted by a church when one night I told them of my abuse as a child and then again by the same person when I was 17 (by my father). With the later abuse, I was made to feel like it was my fault as, being 17, l should have been able to take control. What they failed to appreciate was that when it was first occurring, l was that scared 8 or 9 year old boy who was powerless and scared. Luckily l was able to get out of the situation, environmentally so but not in my thoughts or emotions. As I grew up, l found sex pretty repulsive and when touched by another person, I can feel swamped by a feeling that I am just being used. The only person that I trusted was very supportive and patient but they have sadly left this world.

I hope that you are able to work through these issues. It is very heartening that you have come here and shared your experiences.