General Discerning Your Own Trauma

[Anon1]

Hey guys,

I've been reflecting a lot since that relationship that I was in.

Y'know, sometimes I wonder if I have my own trauma to work through - or perhaps I'm just being a hypochondriac!

Here's why -

I was a long term teen carer, and the situation carried on until I was in my late twenties.

After that, I had to grieve the situation.

I was just about to go and live my own life when Covid hit, and I stayed grounded for a further period.

I won't go into it all now, but I saw some relatively ugly things growing up, and looking back... I think I probably had next to no support, and no real care through the situation.

I don't think any of us in the family knew what to do with the situation, and I don't think I realised how big it all was until I look back as an adult.

I was sorta just... on my own a lot.

Now, I often feel like I don't really know who I am or what I want. I mean... not *really*. I second guess myself all the time, I'm indecisive, and everything seems ill-fitting.

I'm pretty sociable and well-liked, and everything; but deep down I often wish the world would go away so I can just be quiet - because it feels safe that way.

And I've listened to a lot of podcasts recently as I've sought to understand my ex; and I've recognised myself a surprising amount in the info about people working through trauma.

Granted, that could be just like you recognise yourself in every horrorscope that you read; or google a headache and the info tells you you have a tumour.

It might be nothing.

But life seems super easy for some people, and for me it just feels like it's been hard for years.

I'm sorta wondering if I'll ever get things together.

And I stayed in that relationship, didn't I?
Even though it was clearly wrong.

To be honest, I think I have a hard time recognising when I'm being treated badly

I tend to just sorta... adjust to being 'okay with it'. I've had it before, in less extreme circumstances.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis here, but..
does this sound like 'normal person stuff' or like there could be more to it?

I genuinely don't know.

And I guess people here will have more experience in self-discerning than I do!

(I'm not suggesting I might have CPTSD - I think I'd probably know if it was that intense, but still...!)

[Edit: none of this is meant to trivialise people's genuine/diagnosed trauma by the way. I'm just making sense of things, and today I even feel a touch anxious about the fact that I feel like my brain doesn't work properly ]

 

[arfie]

i'll question along, anon, my two areas of questioning are as follows.

1) i shared my criminally traumatic childhood with 10 siblings. i am the only one of the 11 who is crazy enough to have a psychiatric diagnosis.

2) is there such a thing as a trauma free life? the supportive person to whom i am married was nurtured in a "leave it to beaver" style family and loves me in spite of his perfections, but? ? ? he sure acts like my ptsd peers at times. i gotta wonder sometimes. isn't "perfection" a symptom of denial?

just questioning along. . . let me know if you ever make sense of these things. half a century of recovery finds me ever more confused. the good news is that i have found gentle, healing humor and serenity to be found in my acceptance of the confusion. more and more i believe confusion is a natural part of life. just believing. . . proof irrelevant.

 

[Movingforward10]

Relational trauma is a 'thing'.

And there is trauma with a capital T and trauma with little Ts. All of which might meet criteria for CPTSD and might not. But doesn't mean that just because it might not meet criteria for a mental health condition that it didn't have negative impact.


Staying in a relationship that is harmful is a thing to reflect ob, like you are doing. What was/is it in you that made you accept or not see that behaviour. Someone else would walk away. Someone else would stay and never realise it was unhealthy. A whole range of reactions. You recognise that your response didn't help you, so what is it about your sense of self, your boundary, your difference in understanding compromise versus sacrifice that made you stay?
Could well be something in your childhood. Modelled relationships. How you were treated. Etc.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Anon1 , everyone one sees some relatively ugly things growing up. Everyone experiences unpleasant stuff in life. Just switch on the TV for that experience.that's normal.

We're you involved in life threatening scenarios to yourself or as a witness of others? We're you a victim of sexual abuse? Because your "proposing something but not explaining those things. This is a site for people with ptsd or trauma. Do you suffer with either of those things?

 

[Anon1]

i'll question along, anon, my two areas of questioning are as follows.

1) i shared my criminally traumatic childhood with 10 siblings. i am the only one of the 11 who is crazy enough to have a psychiatric diagnosis.

2) is there such a thing as a trauma free life? the supportive person to whom i am married was nurtured in a "leave it to beaver" style family and loves me in spite of his perfections, but? ? ? he sure acts like my ptsd peers at times. i gotta wonder sometimes. isn't "perfection" a symptom of denial?

just questioning along. . . let me know if you ever make sense of these things. half a century of recovery finds me ever more confused. the good news is that i have found gentle, healing humor and serenity to be found in my acceptance of the confusion. more and more i believe confusion is a natural part of life. just believing. . . proof irrelevant.

I think there's a lot of wisdom in this post, y'know!

I think... when you're a brain inside a skull, it's easy to get lost in trying to figure out if you're normal

Because who knows how everyone else feels most of the time?

--

Some of this started because I really thought I was moving on from the bereavements that I suffered.

I could finally talk about it appropriately - neither hiding it, or oversharing it.

And I stopped seeing it as something which defined my experiences.

Then, when I met that girl... it seemed to stir things up again.

I think that's partly because she shared so much of her own stuff so early, then kinda... insisted on knowing my stuff (otherwise I was "closed" and "impossible to know").

I shared a lot of things far too early... and suddenly she'd be saying that I had unprocessed trauma, and even that I'd been through worse things than her (which I'd be *very* hesitant about accepting. In fact, I wouldn't accept it).

So yeah... it was confusing, and the fact that I don't have my life together... I started to think "Man, how come other people seem to find life so easy? Maybe I AM more affected than I realise."

It just played on my mind a bit.

But we're probably all a bit off-centre in one way or another, and that's probably pretty normal...!

 

[Anon1]

Relational trauma is a 'thing'.

And there is trauma with a capital T and trauma with little Ts. All of which might meet criteria for CPTSD and might not. But doesn't mean that just because it might not meet criteria for a mental health condition that it didn't have negative impact.


Staying in a relationship that is harmful is a thing to reflect ob, like you are doing. What was/is it in you that made you accept or not see that behaviour. Someone else would walk away. Someone else would stay and never realise it was unhealthy. A whole range of reactions. You recognise that your response didn't help you, so what is it about your sense of self, your boundary, your difference in understanding compromise versus sacrifice that made you stay?
Could well be something in your childhood. Modelled relationships. How you were treated. Etc.

Yeah, it's something to explore further, I guess!

I think... it's never been obvious to me that my needs matter just the same as everyone else's.

And the abandonment melange that Peter Walker talks about resonates with me.

As do things like limerance etc.

But there are so many psychological resources online now, and therapeutic language is everywhere.

Everyone's ex is a gaslighting narcissist and blah blah blah...

Perhaps it carries the danger that people misapply the advice to themselves.

Still... things to explore, I guess!

 

[Anon1]

Hi @Anon1 , everyone one sees some relatively ugly things growing up. Everyone experiences unpleasant stuff in life. Just switch on the TV for that experience.that's normal.

We're you involved in life threatening scenarios to yourself or as a witness of others? We're you a victim of sexual abuse? Because your "proposing something but not explaining those things. This is a site for people with ptsd or trauma. Do you suffer with either of those things?

Oh, I mostly came here when I was with my ex partner who had a diagnosis.

I've stuck around here asking questions, and piecing things together now and then - less so as things have become easier and more solid for me.

I always appreciate the wisdom I've found here though!

My own experiences have felt normal to me, but people have often responded more intensely than I expect, if I ever share them. So it's sometimes caused me to stop and wonder if they were bigger than I realised.

Probably they were - but I'm sure not 'complex trauma' big.

I don't mean to claim that my experiences were the worst in the world; and if I was dealing with severe trauma, I'm sure I'd know that pretty clearly.

I've just been on a big journey of self exploration since things went south with this girl, and it helps sometimes to ask questions as a way of contextualising one's experiences, I suppose.

Hope it doesn't come across as though I'm trivialising other people's experiences, because I'm 100% not (I'm not even in the same ball park as what many people report experiencing here).

Just figuring out what to do with my own stuff I guess - and it can help to check in with different people as a means of doing that :)

 

[Friday]

Because your "proposing something but not explaining those things. This is a site for people with ptsd or trauma. Do you suffer with either of those things?

ModNote:

This is the supporters section.

Many, if not most, supporters have experienced capT Trauma (as over 80% of the population has) but have not gone on to develop PTSD. Although some few will have. Instead? They may have another disorder, condition, or trauma related issues/quirks…or…none. As 10 people experiencing trauma will have 10 different results.

Exploring how one’s own experience with trauma may shape their own lives, relationships, etc.? When presented with loving someone who has developed PTSD from their experience with trauma? Is EXACTLY what the supporter section is here for. As well as 1,000 other issues that sufferers simply don’t have, or deal with in an entirely different context.

Announcement - Sufferers: You MUST read this thread, prior to posting

This is the Supporter's area of the Forum. MyPTSD has created this area to allow Supporters the space to talk freely with each other about the questions and problems they experience, from their perspective. Sufferer insight can be useful, here - but it can also derail the conversation by...

www.myptsd.com

As always? Rather than replying to THIS post, hit us up at Contact Us, if anyone wishes to continue the discussion/comment/question/etc. Thanks! Aaaaaand…We now return to our regularly scheduled thread!

 

[Anon1]

ModNote:

This is the supporters section.

Many, if not most, supporters have experienced capT Trauma (as over 80% of the population has) but have not gone on to develop PTSD. Although some few will have. Instead? They may have another disorder, condition, or trauma related issues/quirks…or…none. As 10 people experiencing trauma will have 10 different results.

Exploring how one’s own experience with trauma may shape their own lives, relationships, etc.? When presented with loving someone who has developed PTSD from their experience with trauma? Is EXACTLY what the supporter section is here for. As well as 1,000 other issues that sufferers simply don’t have, or deal with in an entirely different context.

Announcement - Sufferers: You MUST read this thread, prior to posting

This is the Supporter's area of the Forum. MyPTSD has created this area to allow Supporters the space to talk freely with each other about the questions and problems they experience, from their perspective. Sufferer insight can be useful, here - but it can also derail the conversation by...

www.myptsd.com

As always? Rather than replying to THIS post, hit us up at Contact Us, if anyone wishes to continue the discussion/comment/question/etc. Thanks! Aaaaaand…We now return to our regularly scheduled thread!

Thanks for posting this - not particularly in response to Survivor’s post, but just in general - I was a bit nervous that this thread would seem self-indulgent and insensitive towards sufferers.

Really, it’s just nice to have space to ask questions and explore things with people who know more than me about it!

 

[sidptitala]

I really love the reflective and openminded way you've written this post.

I really do think that although having PTSD can be being 'unlike' others, there is also so much that is universal about suffering and loss. People trying to recover from PTSD have to really wrestle with those subjects in a way that others often don't, which can produce insights you don't have to have PTSD to benefit from. I'm noticing this a lot in my own life- most people I know have been exposed to traumatic events that they haven't really dealt with. I had to start dealing with mine because I hit a point where I just stopped functioning and couldn't live without doing it. I've often looked to people who have survived much worse than me to figure out how to survive what I have experienced. And I've been drawing on what I'm learning from having PTSD when I talk to people who don't have it about their problems, too.

What I mean by this is it makes sense to me that you feel like this:

I've recognised myself a surprising amount in the info about people working through trauma.

Regardless of whether you have PTSD yourself. It's an extreme human experience that lends itself to learning to understand and manage suffering in every form. There is also a lot in your post that makes me think you really deserve your own love and attention. These things:

I won't go into it all now, but I saw some relatively ugly things growing up, and looking back... I think I probably had next to no support, and no real care through the situation.

for me it just feels like it's been hard for years.

I have a hard time recognising when I'm being treated badly

I tend to just sorta... adjust to being 'okay with it'. I've had it before, in less extreme circumstances.

it's never been obvious to me that my needs matter just the same as everyone else's.

This speaks to a history of you that you'd benefit from looking at with love. Children are born valuing themselves and we teach them otherwise. Somehow you learned you were less and whether through trauma or otherwise you could stand to unlearn it, and you deserve to.

does this sound like 'normal person stuff' or like there could be more to it?

It could be either or both. Either way, it affected you. That alone is enough to try to transform it. It doesn't need to be 'bad enough' to invest in your healing because that matters regardless of anything. It's unfortunately a normal experience to be deeply traumatised and a lot of us don't recognise it until we are literally forced to. Some people never do.

Maybe I AM more affected than I realise."

My own experiences have felt normal to me, but people have often responded more intensely than I expect, if I ever share them

For what it's worth, I relate to this. And I did end up having severe PTSD.

 

[Anon1]

I really love the reflective and openminded way you've written this post.

I really do think that although having PTSD can be being 'unlike' others, there is also so much that is universal about suffering and loss. People trying to recover from PTSD have to really wrestle with those subjects in a way that others often don't, which can produce insights you don't have to have PTSD to benefit from. I'm noticing this a lot in my own life- most people I know have been exposed to traumatic events that they haven't really dealt with. I had to start dealing with mine because I hit a point where I just stopped functioning and couldn't live without doing it. I've often looked to people who have survived much worse than me to figure out how to survive what I have experienced. And I've been drawing on what I'm learning from having PTSD when I talk to people who don't have it about their problems, too.

What I mean by this is it makes sense to me that you feel like this:



Regardless of whether you have PTSD yourself. It's an extreme human experience that lends itself to learning to understand and manage suffering in every form. There is also a lot in your post that makes me think you really deserve your own love and attention. These things:








This speaks to a history of you that you'd benefit from looking at with love. Children are born valuing themselves and we teach them otherwise. Somehow you learned you were less and whether through trauma or otherwise you could stand to unlearn it, and you deserve to.




It could be either or both. Either way, it affected you. That alone is enough to try to transform it. It doesn't need to be 'bad enough' to invest in your healing because that matters regardless of anything. It's unfortunately a normal experience to be deeply traumatised and a lot of us don't recognise it until we are literally forced to. Some people never do.





For what it's worth, I relate to this. And I did end up having severe PTSD.

Y’know what?

This comment was really helpful - thank you!

I think I’ll screenshot it to remind myself.

To think that I’d have something like PTSD is probably a big stretch… I mean… I presume that I’d know.

But I’ve been speaking to a really good trauma therapist regarding the relationship that I just came out of - not because of the trauma to me, but because she has CPTSD and possibly BPD.

The other therapists that I spoke to just didn’t seem very aware… they told me things like “If she’s behaving badly towards you, it’s because she’s anxious and you need to commit harder so that she calms down and stops.”

So I looked for someone who actually specialises in what my ex has,
This therapist *really* gets it, and she’s been amazing.

In the last session, we got a lot more onto my personal things outside of the relationship, and it was extremely enlightening.

I’ve spent the last few weeks processing this stuff, and will continue to do so.

I feel excited by that, because for the last few years I’ve been reacting to all kinds of impulses without really reflecting on - or healing - the types of hurt which has caused me to act a bit erratically at times.

It‘s one of the reasons that I rushed in with this girl: “I feel like my past stole a lot from me… there’s this girl… she’s really pretty/smart etc… so what if she’s acting a little strangely sometimes? Just go for it - things will even out eventually!” That anxious ‘I want to make up for lost time’ feeling mess with your judgement, for sure!

Perhaps this previous relationship will end up being a really good thing to happen to me - if nothing else, it’s forced me to pay attention to things that I was ignoring before (and it was happily impacting my life, whether I realised it or not).