The things you can't talk about...

[SeekingAfrica]

I feel like being here is a red flashing sign for all my triggers for my first trauma that I was ignoring and pushing down and running from until the second one that gave me PTSD. It's from the time I was 6. It messes with my head anytime I'm home for longer than a week, but I have no way to talk about it.

I have a few times with friends but not when I was here. The person is dead which is all fine and good except it took me until 5 years ago to even begin putting it in words. I can't cope with it so I can't cope with my parent that can't handle anxiety talk. And it's nit the thing you talk over chat (unless you are in the middle of flashback, yeah, it happened). Being here I have one goals but those feelings build and build and I'll explode eventually but there aren't words....

I Don't know...

 

[Dynamic]

Hey what’s bothering you? Would it help to talk about? Or process some other way? Art?

Ignore me if not helpful. The title pulled me in because I frequently have things I can’t talk about

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I grew up to secrets, talking always helps but...

@Defaultxlove It's one of the 2 major traumas that started my PTSD. AND even after my PTSD I didn't speak a word about it until life brought it back. I only started sharing processing it the last years. I only shared it in my language once ever and it was over a call.

It's about a relative. And I... the language here, the village type house my parents chose, the uneven paint of the outside walls, their design choices... it all just brings it up and I have so much anger. I didn't feel anger for 20 years. I do now.

But still. Few days here and it comes back up. Especially the frozen feeling, because at those times I learned that whatever choice I made it was wrong and I'll fail and I'll be punished. I have a week, maybe slightly more to pay some things on time. This is why I came here, to work freely and earn my independence back. But now all the memories are awake and it's worse every day.

Part of why I wanted to work outside, make sure I'm at the best state to work.
I'm going tomorrow morning and hopefully I work well. But I just...

It's hitting me, really hitting me now. I stayed in the shower until it was out of hot water but I still feel the memories resurfacing and me being super sensitive. It was growing for a while but today I can't breathe....

It's like I'm 6 again.
And I'm angry at my parents for leaving me at the care of someone they knew was abusive.
And I'm angry at me because at this rate I'll never move out of here.

I'm having nightmares nightly again, I can't be having nightmares nightly again, please, I'm going to fail, I need to pay my bills and safe, I need to apply to jobs and I held it in ever since I saw my parents can't deal with mental health but I took all my meds and I still can't, you know, I can't.... I can't do this again, I can't..

 

[arfie]

I Don't know...

life is a dance we learn as we go
sometimes we lead
sometimes we follow
don't you worry 'bout what you don't know
because life is a dance we learn as we go. ~john michael montgomery

i often believe the most important breakthrough i ever have in untangling my psycho snot knots is admitting that i just don't know. if i did know, i wouldn't be in the grips of a psychotic episode. in letting go of the certainties i use for a facade to hide behind, the facts and truths have room to emerge.

But still. Few days here and it comes back up.

the reminders follow me wherever i go. that random wall section in a far off city. . . that smell i never quite forgot. . . the turn of phrase that was used during a traumatic encounter. . . the random stranger who just happens to look like. . . reminders are everywhere. wherever i go, my memories travel with me. i find my own greatest relief in reducing those memories to proverbial stains on the sidewalk. ugly as sin, but i can walk over them without tripping.

take back the power that was stolen from you in those childhood trauma, seeki. you can. you should. i pray you will. just praying.

hope healing happens here.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@arfie
I hope so too. Hope I can. I pray I can. My other trauma I walked back and forth and sideways and sometimes it gets me but more rarely.

This one is easy to avoid when elsewhere.
But here, it's still in the early stages of coping. I imagine that as while the one I have dealt with may appear in clear vivid images, this one is like a high-pitched noise that stops you from breathing. Like if you breathe you'll remember and you are at the stage where the choice if you want to remember and process isn't even yours, your whole mind is high-pitched fear that blocks off everything and makes the decision.

And all I want is to apologize to people for even mentioning it.

And tomorrow is non work holiday so I guess no cafe actually...
Or maybe some. I Don't know. Not doing much but watching to numb the pain tonight.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry truly,please, I'm sorry.
I feel so not like me. I'm sorry. Need a hug. I'm sorry. This is one of my uglier moments. I apologize.

 

[arfie]

This one is easy to avoid when elsewhere.

denial is easier with the non-accountability of being a stranger in a strange land. easier, but still delusion and the delusion will always bite like a father f*ck when it catches up with you.

And all I want is to apologize to people for even mentioning it.

personally, i don't mention these ugly truths to the people who don't want to hear it. they rarely have the objectivity to be helpful. my psychotherapy network is far, far better suited for the task. i don't need the participation of people so enmeshed they cannot see the forest for the trees.

keep venting. keep your eye on the prize. healing can happen.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Wrote a huge vent because it all connected in me finally and then accidentally deleted.
I Don't have more energy.

I need to watch something funny and work something.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I feel like if I Don't vent I'm going to explode and I would even apologize if I vent here, I just feel like a pot under pressure... may be I'll do it in my diary here so no one that doesn't want doesn't have to read it...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

keep venting. keep your eye on the prize. healing can happen.

Do you truly believe that? Not sure when I lost track on real improvement, it feels like for 2 years or year and a half... it's not like there Isn't progress, but I... like I'm building a sandcastle for months and it gets washed away, and I make the next one and it's stronger, but yet again it crumbles under the wave and over and over for a while.

Even on my threads here it can be seen. And I've kept the pot under a lid and kept trying and now I'm going to explode with all the repressed emotions at home...

 

[arfie]

Do you truly believe that? Not sure when I lost track on real improvement,

yes, i truly believe that and equally believe i have proof that it is so, but there is much room to argue the measuring system which provides my "proof." the term, "real improvement" could provide a case in point. define "real" and "improvement," both separately and together. neither qualify as, "cured."

and I make the next one and it's stronger, but yet again it crumbles under the wave and over and over for a while.

"stronger" gets my vote as an improvement. is the crumbling not part of the cycles of life? life runs in cycles and each cycle is destined to crumble in the passing of the seasons.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@arfie that's a good view on things. I mean I never aimed for 'cured' anyhow. I mean some people have chronic physical issues. I get ptsd and panic attacks. Big deal. We all have our burdens in life.

But there have been times I'm so on top of everything that all the regular parts of life keep going,and if you don't know you would never guess I have anything. I had the apartment, I was up to date on bills, I was socializing and sleeping and even dating... That's all... I just want my life back.
Life does have ups and downs, just the last 2 years has been like 3/4ths downs.

And yes, I know there are people with more misfortune. I'm just a bit in the veeeery low right now. Moving is helpful in practical terms, but picking myself up? Not quite as easy as imagined when I'm still so depressed I get frustrated at myself for how little I do,...but can't snap out either.

I'm trying. Yesterday I vented all I felt in the diary of. Here, and it was something.

Maybe today I'll try to forget have no privacy, reframe the anxiety and manage some things I should have weeks ago... I hope...

 

[arfie]

That's all... I just want my life back.
Life does have ups and downs, just the last 2 years has been like 3/4ths downs.

how do we leave our lives? up, down or in the middle, i only know one way to leave my life and i'm still here, breathing and typing.

And yes, I know there are people with more misfortune.

i carried my now departed son into one of my disaster relief volunteer centers, complete with his admirable drive to help those less fortunate. a pallet of corn dropped on his toe while he was helping to unload food donations. noble christian soldier that he was (is?), he sucked it up and marched onward in his mission to help those less fortunate. gangrene developed in that injured toe and i was soon on a mission to drive him to a hospital not closed by the disaster we were providing relief for.

don't compare pain, my healing warrior. fatal gangrene can develop in a paper cut if you neglect it hard enough. pain exists to let us know something is wrong. fix it as soon as possible. save the measured judgements for the judges.

Maybe today I'll try to forget have no privacy,

no privacy? you live with mind/heart readers? measures of privacy are hard-wired into every life. i can force you to kneel, but i don't get to dictate your prayers.

I should have weeks ago...

shoulding around never got me far. your time is right on time every time.

I hope...

hope healing happens here. steadying support while you continue to sort.