Sufferer How to not have a victim mentality

[thetattoolady]

thank you .yes, I have therapy/counseling twice a week. it does help.

 

[shimmerz]

Hi @thetattoolady. You and i had similar lives. I was adopted as well at 2. 20 foster homes. I was called disturbed during these times. I have just gotten to the fact that I was not disturbed but that my circumstances were disturbing.

My adoptive mother needed me to be normal. It was a direct reflection on her and the people within the church. So when I started to melt down with night terrors and act out around the age of 12 there was no mercy for me. I am older than you, so very little was known about trauma at that time.

Further problems for me because I met my birth parents and sister and wasn't prepared for the chaos that would ensue with connecting with them. I didn't belong there, nor did I belong with my adoptive parents.

I definitely feel victimized. I can't work. People who I loved dearly try to humiliate me. I have lost what I thought were very loving and strong connections. People who haven't been through this type of thing can't get it. And good for them. Really.

For me. None of this was my fault. It is my responsibility however if I want to live any type of a decent life. For me to do so I need to let go of other's expectations of me and accept myself for the hot mess that I was made through my earlier experiences.

To lose the victim mentality meant accepting and loving myself regardless. Taking responsibility for my healing switches me out of the victim mode as well. I am making the best of a bad situation. Warm wishes to you as you commit to your healing.

 

[Rose White]

Hi and welcome to the forum! Rarely do intros get this much interaction so you are starting with a bang! You come across as a strong, independent, intelligent person to me. And exhausted at the same time.
Some things you said that stood out to me…

I am a problem, and I have been a problem since the moment I was conceived

Have you read “East of Eden” by John Steinbeck? This is the basic premise of the story.

It seems like a part of you doesn’t believe that you were a problem since conception, sees it as a lie, or else you wouldn’t be here.

at what point does a child who is a victim stop being a victim

What a great question!! I think it’s when the child themself decides?

If perpetrator is caught and thrown in jail, [in my mind] the victim can then feel like a survivor

My PTSD is from csa by my dad when I was a baby. I filed a police report when I was 40 because it took that long to understand what had happened. The detective who took my report said something that stuck with me. I was lamenting that I wouldn’t find closure since he couldn’t be punished in court as it had been too long. She said, “In my experience convictions rarely provide closure.”

Without any type of closure , I don’t understand at what point a person is no longer a victim.

She said, “Your therapists, your group therapy, your self-acceptance and forgiveness is where your closure will come from.”

I think you are very brave to keep pushing for support despite all the rejection you have experienced. Hope you find something here.

 

[shimmerz]

your self-acceptance and forgiveness is where your closure will come from.

Agreed. I think self love and self care could be added to this list as well. This is all about adjusting internal processes imo.

 

[thetattoolady]

Hi. Thank you for the welcome message.

Have you read “East of Eden” by John Steinbeck? This is the basic premise of the story.

It seems like a part of you doesn’t believe that you were a problem since conception, sees it as a lie, or else you wouldn’t be here.

I have not read this book, but it’s on my list now. Thanks so much, I will check it out.

That specific bullet you replied to about me being a problem since the moment I was conceived is something my biological mother said to me after I found her (in my early 30s). That whole list was just to say…this is what I have been taught, this is what I’ve been told. I don’t necessarily believe it, but I have yet to have life experiences that show me otherwise. I keep hoping for life to show me these things are not true, but it hasn’t happened. What comes to mind now is that old saying ‘life will keep giving you the same test, until you pass’ (or something like that). And it makes me wonder if maybe I NEED to accept those things as true.

My PTSD is from csa by my dad when I was a baby. I filed a police report when I was 40 because it took that long to understand what had happened. The detective who took my report said something that stuck with me. I was lamenting that I wouldn’t find closure since he couldn’t be punished in court as it had been too long. She said, “In my experience convictions rarely provide closure.”

I am sorry you had to go through that and glad you did file a report, at the same time. What the detective said to you makes me realize, maybe ‘getting thrown in jail’ wasn’t the right way to say that. I think for me, it’s more about feeling valued and protected.

For example, it could have been my mother holding the perpetrator accountable when I was 5 - getting angry, confronting him, calling the police, getting me counseling, etc. vs assuming that I was lying and never doing anything at all.

Or my father or my brothers doing the same thing with the 27 yr old man who raped me when I was 15. Sure he deserved to go to jail, but feeling protected and valued by my family is really what I needed (as opposed to being blamed and having to watch them feel sorry for HIM while referring to me as one of his ‘bad decision‘).

I hope that makes sense. I said accountability for the other person, but I think it was more about my family not caring or showing me that those people were wrong and that it was not okay for them to violate me.

She said, “Your therapists, your group therapy, your self-acceptance and forgiveness is where your closure will come from.”

I’m in therapy twice a week now. But I definitely don’t foresee any closure coming from it. People can tell me none of those things I was taught are true, but my life experience says otherwise. self advocacy has never worked for me and in fact it has made others look down on me (because how dare I ‘pretend’ to have special needs).

 

[Donda]

Hi, thetattoolady,

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I can relate. I don't exactly have closure, whatever that means, but I have found a way for me to get out of the mess, and be in a much better place emotionally, and heal. I realized how toxic the relationships were, and I found the strength/courage/wisdom? to disconnect. Disconnecting has given me space to think and to examine myself, and to heal. Never could have gotten to where I am now without disconnecting. I don't know if it will be permanent, but those I've disconnected from are aging, and may die before I can reconnect.

I think that by staying in toxic relationships I lived in a constant state of being triggered from old unhealed trauma, and piled new traumas on top of that.

I tried to find help from counsellors for decades and could not find what I needed because they could not help me. I have Asperger's also, and I think that we are wired differently, and overcoming trauma is different for us, for me, anyway. I did not respond like other people, and no one could speak my language to help or connect, or to understand all the different depths and challenges that I have as someone on the spectrum. Time and time again I would try. I'm very resilient. But it has been Jesus who has helped me. He knows me and has shown me the compassion and understanding that no one else can. His love works miracles and finds its way into the places of my heart that I don't understand and can't express to others.

I'm not talking about Jesus to preach, just to share as others are, about things/people/professions that have helped them. It's something to think about. . . that we can call upon Jesus for help, too.

I feel for you.

 

[thetattoolady]

I really wish the ‘love’ icon was just a heart because the big smiley face just doesn’t feel right to me (in terms of wanting to ‘love’ certain posts). But anyway, thank you so much for this.

Disconnecting has given me space to think and to examine myself, and to heal. Never could have gotten to where I am now without disconnecting. I don't know if it will be permanent, but those I've disconnected from are aging, and may die before I can reconnect.

How exactly did you disconnect? Because I have been seriously considering changing my name for this very reason. My family doesn’t want anything to do with me, but they know where I am and if I go silent for too long every now and then of them will start looking for me (just to make sure I’m still alive and suffering I guess). And I always get angry when they start saying ‘please let me know you’re okay’ because they don’t really care if I’m ok. And that’s when I reply with “NO, I AM NOT OKAY. Haven’t been for many years.” Then I’ll give them the run down about the most recent issues and mishaps, etc.

Of course then that makes me the bad guy. But I feel like don’t ask me if I’m okay! Don’t check to make SURE I’m okay! I am NOT OKAY! I couldn’t afford to pay for my meds this month (for example)! Are you going to help me?? NO .

Like you said , TOXIC. I’m not saying ‘they’ are toxic, I’m saying the relationships are toxic.

So once they see I’m still alive and suffering, they stay away and say it’s my fault. So it’s like a double edged sword. My father has told me to never contact him again too (but I still text him like nothing has ever happened - because I can’t let go). So I feel like changing my name (and all my contact info) would help me because if they CANT contact me (because they don’t know my name or where I live), I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of knowing that they know where I am and choose not to deal with me . I liken it to blocking someone on my phone to keep my SELF from contacting them.

I lived in a constant state of being triggered from old unhealed trauma, and piled new traumas on top of that.

This is what happens. Because I am not allowed to talk about the things I’ve lived through because it makes them uncomfortable and they think that me talking about means I’m blaming them for it?

I tried to find help from counsellors for decades and could not find what I needed because they could not help me. I have Asperger's also, and I think that we are wired differently, and overcoming trauma is different for us, for me, anyway. I did not respond like other people, and no one could speak my language to help or connect, or to understand all the different depths and challenges that I have as someone on the spectrum. Time and time again I would try.

100% this has been my life for the past 14 years trying to get help. And I 100% agree, we are wired differently and we experience and process trauma differently. This really touched me . I do not have the words to describe how reading this made me feel. I hate that you have to deal with this kind of thing, but it is also a huge relief to finally know that someone else has been in the EXACT same boat.

I have gone to sleep so many nights wishing and praying not to have to wake up anymore. I don’t feel like that now, and I am not ‘angry’ with God or asking ‘why’ he would allow these kinds of things to happen to me so many times for so many years. I appreciate you sharing about Jesus helping you. I do believe in God, but i guess you can say my faith is weary. And I’ll just leave it at that.

Thanks again though. I look forward to hearing more about your disconnection.

 

[Donda]

I really wish the ‘love’ icon was just a heart because the big smiley face just doesn’t feel right to me (in terms of wanting to ‘love’ certain posts). But anyway, thank you so much for this.

How exactly did you disconnect? Because I have been seriously considering changing my name for this very reason. My family doesn’t want anything to do with me, but they know where I am and if I go silent for too long every now and then of them will start looking for me (just to make sure I’m still alive and suffering I guess). And I always get angry when they start saying ‘please let me know you’re okay’ because they don’t really care if I’m ok. And that’s when I reply with “NO, I AM NOT OKAY. Haven’t been for many years.” Then I’ll give them the run down about the most recent issues and mishaps, etc.

Of course then that makes me the bad guy. But I feel like don’t ask me if I’m okay! Don’t check to make SURE I’m okay! I am NOT OKAY! I couldn’t afford to pay for my meds this month (for example)! Are you going to help me?? NO .

Like you said , TOXIC. I’m not saying ‘they’ are toxic, I’m saying the relationships are toxic.

So once they see I’m still alive and suffering, they stay away and say it’s my fault. So it’s like a double edged sword. My father has told me to never contact him again too (but I still text him like nothing has ever happened - because I can’t let go). So I feel like changing my name (and all my contact info) would help me because if they CANT contact me (because they don’t know my name or where I live), I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of knowing that they know where I am and choose not to deal with me . I liken it to blocking someone on my phone to keep my SELF from contacting them.

This is what happens. Because I am not allowed to talk about the things I’ve lived through because it makes them uncomfortable and they think that me talking about means I’m blaming them for it?

100% this has been my life for the past 14 years trying to get help. And I 100% agree, we are wired differently and we experience and process trauma differently. This really touched me . I do not have the words to describe how reading this made me feel. I hate that you have to deal with this kind of thing, but it is also a huge relief to finally know that someone else has been in the EXACT same boat.

I have gone to sleep so many nights wishing and praying not to have to wake up anymore. I don’t feel like that now, and I am not ‘angry’ with God or asking ‘why’ he would allow these kinds of things to happen to me so many times for so many years. I appreciate you sharing about Jesus helping you. I do believe in God, but i guess you can say my faith is weary. And I’ll just leave it at that.

Thanks again though. I look forward to hearing more about your disconnection.

It took me two times to disconnect. the first time I tried really hard to have a conversation about how I wanted to improve the communication. I explained how I felt, how I it was hard for me, how it was effecting my life, and how it was interfering with the healing work that God was performing in me. I tried SO hard. But the conversation wasn't possible. There wasn't an interest in talking about real things. There was only interest in keeping things the way they were. And so I disconnected the first time. Then two years later I was kind of beaten down by a guilt trip from my brother about my dad was getting old. So I reconnected, and he gave me a crumb. I tried to talk to my stepmother about why I disconnected for those 2 years, but all I got was "You're not perfect either." No interest in listening to my experience. No interest. So I stuck with the status quo for another year or so, but then I disconnected again, from that whole family (My dad, stepmother and siblings from their marriage).

How it happened was my dad called me one day to plan his funeral. He had specific things he wanted me to say about him at his funeral. I had been thinking about whether or not I was going to go to his funeral the week or two before he called, so it was an interesting intersection. I was thinking that I'm not going to go to his funeral, because I'm the one who, like you, gets the blame for all the problems and issues. It's like being gaslit. And I was thinking if I go to his funeral it's going to be gaslighting to the nth degree, by the family, and everyone whos there. So I told him that I was thinking of not going to his funeral. And that I was thinking of cutting myself off from the family altogether. And that was it.

It's been about 6 months now. And I am detoxing. The healing is slow. But I keep seeing my family issues in a broader light. because I'm not in it anymore. I can see so much more clearly. And I was ready for this. There is lots of grieving. Lots of anger still comes up. But it is so empowering to be able to say, "No more." Boundaries are powerful, like a firewall. I still love my family, but I'm not placing myself there again to be gaslit. And I've been thinking about the things I need if there is going to be reconciliation. I have a list that I'm preparing, so that if anyone tries to guilt me again, or if I am contacted, I can say that I'm willing to reconcile, but I need these things to be done and dealt with, and I need certain things to happen.

If you are thinking of disconnecting, I would suggest that you be clear about it. Don't just vanish. Try to talk about what isn't right in the relationships, and be open for change, even if it's not likely, and then be clear about going no contact and what that means. Like, it means no texts, no phone calls, no surprise visits. Tell them that you are disconnecting. I wasn't that clear, because I took advantage of my dad's phone call. I didn't have anything planned. But we had been through it the first time. It's very open-ended, and I would prefer if I had been a little clearer on what I need for reconciliation. At the time, I was just at my end. But I was clear about disconnecting from the family. And maybe I couldn't have known what I needed for reconciliation at that time.

But I have great relief, even though the feelings are still complicated and there's still a lot of grief and anger. I hope that helps.

I have asked God to please take my life before. This week I went through an emotional flashback, and I lost the will to live. I was ready to go. I started thinking like everyone will be fine without me. And I can't survive this life. I just can't do it. It's too complicated, and it's too tiring. It was a very dark week. I couldn't accomplish anything but the basics. like eating, sleeping, and brushing my teeth. But I laid it all out for Jesus yesterday. And he reached into my darkness and pulled me out with his love. He's so tender and full of care. I thought that I was a failure, but he reached my heart with his love and let me know that he is there, and that he wants me to live. All my interactions with Jesus are very sweet. He helps me as if I'm his child. Today I am weepy. I am sad that I lost the will to live when I was a little child. I'm sad that Iife is so complicated and hard and hurtful. But there is a very sweet place with Jesus.

I'm 55 years old, by the way. This stuff takes a long time to heal. a long time to even figure out what I need, and to see things clearly. And I think having Asperger's can make it take even longer. Emotionally, I'm a slow developer. And it takes a long time for me to process my emotions, to even know what I'm feeling. And it has taken me a very long time to trust that I can understand interpersonal dynamics very well. My analytical skills are excellent. I believe that if I had given myself credit for being sensitive to abuses, and to name them, and to trust intuition on these things, I would have stayed away from a lot of trouble, and made some good decisions about this stuff much more quickly.

I hope you have a good night.

All the best!

 

[thetattoolady]

Hi. I am just now seeing this. Still learning how to navigate here.

You and i had similar lives. I was adopted as well at 2. 20 foster homes. I was called disturbed during these times. I have just gotten to the fact that I was not disturbed but that my circumstances were disturbing.

Wow, yes. Very similar lives. And I was put back into the system around 14? So yeah, many different foster homes as well. *even though they were still my parents and I’d still would try to go ‘home’.

My adoptive mother needed me to be normal. It was a direct reflection on her and the people within the church. So when I started to melt down with night terrors and act out around the age of 12 there was no mercy for me. I am older than you, so very little was known about trauma at that time.

Yeah, I don’t think my adopted parents did not attempt to parent me at all. It seemed like they took the forewarning from the adoption agency about the likelihood of behavioral issues as ‘advice’ (instead of parenting me or helping me they just viewed any and all issues as ‘this must be what they warned us about’ , shook their heads and chalked me up as a problem child )? Idk.

Further problems for me because I met my birth parents and sister and wasn't prepared for the chaos that would ensue with connecting with them. I didn't belong there, nor did I belong with my adoptive parents.

Same. And it sucks even more that way. When my adopted parents passed away, no one in my biological family thought to ask how I was doing. I mean.:.I told my sister on the phone and she just moved on with the conversation and didn’t even acknowledge what I said. Same with my dad.

Now I am estranged from my biological family as well. And it will be the same, I wouldn’t be surprised if no one reaches out to notify me when my dad dies.

It’s weird having two families and still feeling like an orphan.

I definitely feel victimized. I can't work. People who I loved dearly try to humiliate me. I have lost what I thought were very loving and strong connections. People who haven't been through this type of thing can't get it. And good for them. Really.

Same here too. They look down on me now like I ‘choose’ to be disabled. It’s maddening and amusing at the same time. Lost every connection that even slightly resembled a friendship since then (in addition to loved ones). So fast!

They can’t get it, you’re right. And the sucky part about that is that the only way they could possible get it would be to go through it. And I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. *But that doesn’t mean it’s okay for them to treat us poorly! It’s like c’mon people! Can we just be decent humans!

Ok I’m rambling . Thank you for the reply and thank you sharing. Reading and writing in this forum has been enlightening, fulfilling and overwhelming all at the same time. I’m glad this is a thing.

 

[thetattoolady]

It took me two times to disconnect. the first time I tried really hard to have a conversation about how I wanted to improve the communication. I explained how I felt, how I it was hard for me, how it was effecting my life, and how it was interfering with the healing work that God was performing in me. I tried SO hard. But the conversation wasn't possible. There wasn't an interest in talking about real things. There was only interest in keeping things the way they were. And so I disconnected the first time. Then two years later I was kind of beaten down by a guilt trip from my brother about my dad was getting old. So I reconnected, and he gave me a crumb. I tried to talk to my stepmother about why I disconnected for those 2 years, but all I got was "You're not perfect either." No interest in listening to my experience. No interest. So I stuck with the status quo for another year or so, but then I disconnected again, from that whole family (My dad, stepmother and siblings from their marriage).

How it happened was my dad called me one day to plan his funeral. He had specific things he wanted me to say about him at his funeral. I had been thinking about whether or not I was going to go to his funeral the week or two before he called, so it was an interesting intersection. I was thinking that I'm not going to go to his funeral, because I'm the one who, like you, gets the blame for all the problems and issues. It's like being gaslit. And I was thinking if I go to his funeral it's going to be gaslighting to the nth degree, by the family, and everyone whos there. So I told him that I was thinking of not going to his funeral. And that I was thinking of cutting myself off from the family altogether. And that was it.

It's been about 6 months now. And I am detoxing. The healing is slow. But I keep seeing my family issues in a broader light. because I'm not in it anymore. I can see so much more clearly. And I was ready for this. There is lots of grieving. Lots of anger still comes up. But it is so empowering to be able to say, "No more." Boundaries are powerful, like a firewall. I still love my family, but I'm not placing myself there again to be gaslit. And I've been thinking about the things I need if there is going to be reconciliation. I have a list that I'm preparing, so that if anyone tries to guilt me again, or if I am contacted, I can say that I'm willing to reconcile, but I need these things to be done and dealt with, and I need certain things to happen.

If you are thinking of disconnecting, I would suggest that you be clear about it. Don't just vanish. Try to talk about what isn't right in the relationships, and be open for change, even if it's not likely, and then be clear about going no contact and what that means. Like, it means no texts, no phone calls, no surprise visits. Tell them that you are disconnecting. I wasn't that clear, because I took advantage of my dad's phone call. I didn't have anything planned. But we had been through it the first time. It's very open-ended, and I would prefer if I had been a little clearer on what I need for reconciliation. At the time, I was just at my end. But I was clear about disconnecting from the family. And maybe I couldn't have known what I needed for reconciliation at that time.

But I have great relief, even though the feelings are still complicated and there's still a lot of grief and anger. I hope that helps.

I have asked God to please take my life before. This week I went through an emotional flashback, and I lost the will to live. I was ready to go. I started thinking like everyone will be fine without me. And I can't survive this life. I just can't do it. It's too complicated, and it's too tiring. It was a very dark week. I couldn't accomplish anything but the basics. like eating, sleeping, and brushing my teeth. But I laid it all out for Jesus yesterday. And he reached into my darkness and pulled me out with his love. He's so tender and full of care. I thought that I was a failure, but he reached my heart with his love and let me know that he is there, and that he wants me to live. All my interactions with Jesus are very sweet. He helps me as if I'm his child. Today I am weepy. I am sad that I lost the will to live when I was a little child. I'm sad that Iife is so complicated and hard and hurtful. But there is a very sweet place with Jesus.

I'm 55 years old, by the way. This stuff takes a long time to heal. a long time to even figure out what I need, and to see things clearly. And I think having Asperger's can make it take even longer. Emotionally, I'm a slow developer. And it takes a long time for me to process my emotions, to even know what I'm feeling. And it has taken me a very long time to trust that I can understand interpersonal dynamics very well. My analytical skills are excellent. I believe that if I had given myself credit for being sensitive to abuses, and to name them, and to trust intuition on these things, I would have stayed away from a lot of trouble, and made some good decisions about this stuff much more quickly.

I hope you have a good night.

All the best!

I shouldn’t have read this because now I want to reply, but I am getting delirious as it is at least two hours past my usual bedtime. I will come back tomorrow. I’m sorry you had a rough week . I know that feeling all too well. I am glad you have found the support you need in Jesus. Rest well and I hope something wonderful happens for you this weekend .

 

[thetattoolady]

It took me two times to disconnect. the first time I tried really hard to have a conversation about how I wanted to improve the communication. I explained how I felt, how I it was hard for me, how it was effecting my life, and how it was interfering with the healing work that God was performing in me. I tried SO hard. But the conversation wasn't possible. There wasn't an interest in talking about real things. There was only interest in keeping things the way they were. And so I disconnected the first time. Then two years later I was kind of beaten down by a guilt trip from my brother about my dad was getting old. So I reconnected, and he gave me a crumb. I tried to talk to my stepmother about why I disconnected for those 2 years, but all I got was "You're not perfect either." No interest in listening to my experience. No interest. So I stuck with the status quo for another year or so, but then I disconnected again, from that whole family (My dad, stepmother and siblings from their marriage).

How it happened was my dad called me one day to plan his funeral. He had specific things he wanted me to say about him at his funeral. I had been thinking about whether or not I was going to go to his funeral the week or two before he called, so it was an interesting intersection. I was thinking that I'm not going to go to his funeral, because I'm the one who, like you, gets the blame for all the problems and issues. It's like being gaslit. And I was thinking if I go to his funeral it's going to be gaslighting to the nth degree, by the family, and everyone whos there. So I told him that I was thinking of not going to his funeral. And that I was thinking of cutting myself off from the family altogether. And that was it.

It's been about 6 months now. And I am detoxing. The healing is slow. But I keep seeing my family issues in a broader light. because I'm not in it anymore. I can see so much more clearly. And I was ready for this. There is lots of grieving. Lots of anger still comes up. But it is so empowering to be able to say, "No more." Boundaries are powerful, like a firewall. I still love my family, but I'm not placing myself there again to be gaslit. And I've been thinking about the things I need if there is going to be reconciliation. I have a list that I'm preparing, so that if anyone tries to guilt me again, or if I am contacted, I can say that I'm willing to reconcile, but I need these things to be done and dealt with, and I need certain things to happen.

If you are thinking of disconnecting, I would suggest that you be clear about it. Don't just vanish. Try to talk about what isn't right in the relationships, and be open for change, even if it's not likely, and then be clear about going no contact and what that means. Like, it means no texts, no phone calls, no surprise visits. Tell them that you are disconnecting. I wasn't that clear, because I took advantage of my dad's phone call. I didn't have anything planned. But we had been through it the first time. It's very open-ended, and I would prefer if I had been a little clearer on what I need for reconciliation. At the time, I was just at my end. But I was clear about disconnecting from the family. And maybe I couldn't have known what I needed for reconciliation at that time.

But I have great relief, even though the feelings are still complicated and there's still a lot of grief and anger. I hope that helps.

I have asked God to please take my life before. This week I went through an emotional flashback, and I lost the will to live. I was ready to go. I started thinking like everyone will be fine without me. And I can't survive this life. I just can't do it. It's too complicated, and it's too tiring. It was a very dark week. I couldn't accomplish anything but the basics. like eating, sleeping, and brushing my teeth. But I laid it all out for Jesus yesterday. And he reached into my darkness and pulled me out with his love. He's so tender and full of care. I thought that I was a failure, but he reached my heart with his love and let me know that he is there, and that he wants me to live. All my interactions with Jesus are very sweet. He helps me as if I'm his child. Today I am weepy. I am sad that I lost the will to live when I was a little child. I'm sad that Iife is so complicated and hard and hurtful. But there is a very sweet place with Jesus.

I'm 55 years old, by the way. This stuff takes a long time to heal. a long time to even figure out what I need, and to see things clearly. And I think having Asperger's can make it take even longer. Emotionally, I'm a slow developer. And it takes a long time for me to process my emotions, to even know what I'm feeling. And it has taken me a very long time to trust that I can understand interpersonal dynamics very well. My analytical skills are excellent. I believe that if I had given myself credit for being sensitive to abuses, and to name them, and to trust intuition on these things, I would have stayed away from a lot of trouble, and made some good decisions about this stuff much more quickly.

I hope you have a good night.

All the best!

Hi. Ok, so it sounds like you had to ‘actually’ disconnect from them as in having to explain why you didn’t want them to contact you anymore. I probably said that wrong, but I guess it stuck with me because I think the difference for me is that my family doesn’t actually ‘want’ to have anything to do with me. Or I should say they don’t want to be ‘bothered’ with me. It’s weird because they are cool with me reaching out, as long as I pretend everything is cool (aka as long as I don’t need anything). Even then, it has to be superficial and any love that is expressed feels super fake. But they don’t reach out to me anymore at all (they used to pretend to be panicked when they didn’t hear from me, but only to make sure I hadn’t killed myself).

So for me, I need to disconnect myself from them mentally , so I can stop feeling the hurt/pain of knowing they don’t care and are even burdened by my existence. In their eyes, me explaining why I’m disconnecting would probably be viewed as me just seeking attention. I definitely wouldn’t have any leverage in terms of conditions for reconnection (as they would be relieved to know they won’t hear from me again while also knowing I’m still alive and they don’t have to worry about arranging services).

I have considered writing each of them letters just for my own sense of finality (or ‘closure’). But not sure if I will actually do that either. I do feel that I might need some kind definite end to things (for myself), or else it may never happen. Without it, I may just keep hoping and/or reaching out when desperate.

Changing my name and contact info , I’m thinking will help me let go of the pain associated with who I am to them and the pain of rejection. Because if they don’t know where I am , my feelings can’t be hurt that they avoid me. *I know this to be true from moving around from state to state over the years. It’s easier to live where no one knows me. And changing my name will provide me with incentive NOT to contact them (as that will defeat the purpose of changing my name). I am going to write about that in my diary here as soon as I figure out how to do that , because I know there are others here who have done it and then some who feel it won’t help.

I hope this week is off to a better start than the last . As I was reading your last paragraph I was thinking man it would be so nice if there was like a community center just for people like us . Where we could just show up whenever and just be. Don’t have to talk, but can if we want. I feel like we probably wouldn’t have to communicate verbally much because we’d just…know (and be kind).

I got mixed feelings at the end of your reply too. Because I’m 48 and while it’s comforting to know that I am not alone in being up here in age and still dealing with the after affects of childhood trauma, the thought of still feeling this way 5 - 7 - 10 years from now is disheartening. It just reminds me of what I’ve always felt…there is no substitute for the love and acceptance of your family. We can find love, support, acceptance elsewhere, sure. But if it doesn’t come from where it’s supposed to, that void will always be there. And the thought of those people dying before you get what you need, is pretty sad.

 

[Friday]

Run towards. Or? Run away.

The second? Is victim.

The first? Isn’t.

I ALWAYS run towards… and yet? I’ve been a victim. Of MANY things. Am I STILL a victim? Pfft. Hardly. Being a victim? Is always temporary. You survived it, or you didn’t. Being a “survivor” is for life. Being a victim? Is temporary. I’ve been a victim, many many maaaaany times. I am NOT a survivor. I’m simply one who lived… who ran toward more trouble, who lived, to run from more trouble, etc..

Who/what/are you?