Childhood Does it count as traumatizing?

[Muffin]

This might be kind of dumb but I was just wondering if someone could maybe tell me if something has actually been traumatizing or not.
Basically my father has attempted to kill my mother by stabbing her to death with a knife (but missed and eventually stopped so nothing happened) and has planned to kill me to the point he's been outside my bedroom door holding a knife, but didn't come in and do it because my mum told him he wouldn't enjoy going to prison. He also used to lock me out the house for fairly long outs of time for various things (my first memory is at 3 for not finishing food) and would come into my room at night and beat me if he thought I wasn't asleep.
I am 16 and still live at home with him, and I really do love him because he's my dad but I kind of feel like these things might be bad things for a parent to do? I don't really feel many emotions about anything though so I don't really know how I actually feel about it and if its bad and traumatizing or not?
Can anyone help me with this please?

 

[Sideways]

Yeah, that’s a really bad thing for a parent to do.

Are you currently connected with any school or community based youth or mental health supports?

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Definitely an awful thing to have happen, and witness, and as a child, and in your own home, and by people who are meant to protect you.

Most people’s parents do not do those things. Because they are horrible things to do to someone, no less a child/with a child around.

 

[Movingforward10]

Do you feel able to tell anyone?

He's a very unsafe person. And it must be a normalised situation at home, when it isn't actually safe or what a parent should do?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Yes, it counts very much! I hope you will be able to get some help to have a more normal life (whatever that may be) because you deserve better as well as deserving love and care

 

[arfie]

i'm traumatized just reading about it, muffin. please find someone to talk to about it.

for what it's worth
i opine that long-term relationships, such as a parent/child relationship, are complex. over the course of a lifetime, a relationship has opportunity to run through every emotion in the human spectrum. i can hate parts of my best friend while liking other parts and loving the whole package, whether i like it or knot.

 

[wabisabiman]

You are not safe in that environment. Has your mother not left him yet or told him to leave...or taken herself and you to a shelter...or gotten a restraining order? I am concerned about your long-term safety living with your father. No child should be living with that kind of craziness and danger.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

It is very bad and I know as I grew up in a similar situation, my mother would beat me with a pipe. Sometimes I woke up in terror with her standing above my crib and later bed. I walked in on suicide attempts. She finally did commit suicide. Those events profoundly impacted my life and still do. I am 69 now and I wish I understood this at your age.

 

[plain_and_normal]

I have recently realized that it is less about the severity of abuse and more about the individuals emotional response.
If it makes you feel bad, especially after many years then it's bad.

 

[Muffin]

Do you feel able to tell anyone?

He's a very unsafe person. And it must be a normalised situation at home, when it isn't actually safe or what a parent should do?

I don't really ever talk to people I don't know so I'm not really sure how I would tell anyone that would do something.
I mentioned it to a friend at school who's mum is an administrator there and she said she thinks maybe she should tell her mum about it but I'm not sure I want her to do that because I'm worried about what could happen from her telling somebody.
How would I be able to prove that he'd ever done anything anyways if I did say something as well? I'm not sure if my mum would want to speak about it because she hasn't already and my dad earns 3x the amount she does, and she's also been paying him money to put in a shared pension that's only in his name for about 20 years so he has a lot of her money too. Our neighbor previously told my dad to stop locking me outside the house for too long but I'm not sure that really counts for anything and they don't know about anything else. I'm worried my mum will hate me for telling somebody if its not what she wants and I'm not sure I'd be able to speak out loud to anyone that wanted to ask questions.
I have a 19 year old brother my dad was physically fighting with and tried to lock out the house earlier today when he was home but my dad pays for his uni fees and for his rent so I don't think he'd want to say anything either, and my brother also gets pretty violent sometimes.
I'm not really sure that telling anyone would actually help it might just make him angrier so he'd do something worse I don't know sorry for bothering you with all this though

 

[Sideways]

I'm not really sure that telling anyone would actually help it might just make him angrier so he'd do something worse I don't know sorry for bothering you with all this though

Sometimes, talking it through with someone like the school counsellor isn’t necessarily about solving the situation, but about making you have sufficient support to manage. You don’t need to cope with this alone.

 

[Movingforward10]

How would I be able to prove that he'd ever done anything anyways if I did say something as well?

It's not for you to prove. You're a child in a household where you have an abusive dad and a mum whose parenting is impacted by that abuse and it means neither of them are able to keep you safe from living in an abusive household. Put bluntly.
It's difficult speaking out as you're entering into the unknown of what might happen and a lot of that will be out of your control.
What are child protection services like in your area? Where I am they would come in and speak with you all and find ways to work with your parents to make things safer. If that meant your dad moving out and still providing financially for you all, then that would be the thing they would support with.
That sounds the ideal solution, but the worries about money are worries your parents need to have, not you. I know it's easy for me to say, when you're holding all the complications of the situation you are in.
But, maybe there are ways to solve it that might be things all the adults need to work out. In the meantime, you deserve to be safe in your home. And locking you out of the home is also unsafe and abusive. It shouldn't be happening. Your dad needs to stop doing that and your mum needs to stop him from doing that to you.