When People See You As Strong

[Jade-]

I recently lost a sibling and I didn't have anyone's support, no comforting words, just nothing at all from anybody. I couldn't even get anyone to go to the funeral with me. Of course I was very upset over the loss but nobody seemed to notice or care.

People seem to think I am so strong, that I can handle anything that life dumps on me, probably because I have learned how to act that way. Probably because they didn't see me cry, didn't think I was going through a hard time.

I feel really hurt and upset over this. These same people always expect so much from me, always are wanting and needing something from me yet none of them were there for me when I really needed them.

I'm really not strong at all and I really did need them and maybe I should have told them that I did.

Maybe they don't really think I'm strong though and instead are just self centered , shitty people. IDK. But thinking they believe I am so strong hurts a little less than believeing they're just shitty.

 

[arfie]

But thinking they believe I am so strong hurts a little less than believeing they're just shitty.

empathy, jade. there are all too many who think i am too strong to have problems of my own and have ample time and resources to carry them with ease. just plain shitty.

however, i have discovered a third factor in this freak show. mind readers are in short supply. when i need help, i need to ask. as my therapy support network has grown, so too have the number of supporters who can see right through my superwoman act with the wisdom to know offers of help will not be helpful until i learn how to leave my cape on the coat hook.

until then, i continue asking, "why do people have to be so shitty?"
who am i to judge?

 

[Jade-]

Mind readers...yeah, I do regret not being upfront with what I needed from people but honestly with it being a death I assumed people would just assume or know already...

 

[Susan Jane]

Mind readers...yeah, I do regret not being upfront with what I needed from people but honestly with it being a death I assumed people would just assume or know already...

I wish this were true, but I believe people are uncomfortable about death and don’t know what to do. Being upfront and asking for help is something I am just learning. Assumptions can be dangerous. I send my condolences and understand your situation, people always tell me how strong I am and it pisses me off when I am feeling down. Strong sure…but it disregards my needs.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Jade- I liked your post only because I relate. I am so sorry for your pain and loss. There is a terrible alone feeling within it.

I am not the type to openly discuss my pain or worry with most people with rare exceptlion. When I have regretted I did it was because I ended up feeling I burdened them or ended up trying to make them feel better. But I was also told by 2 people who I value the opinion of (1 without reserve) that the response I received when when my sister died and was dying was due to jealousy. Of what idk but it is perception. Then 2 cousins died shortly after.

The weird thing is, as 1st responders say those who are silent are the 1st to address, those screaming 2nd. I am currently in the same spot, with one sister with bad cancer, a 20 year b-i-l with heart failure, and the remaining sister struggling. It freaked me out the other day when I paused and thought between us there are 3 of us left as family (4 with b-i-l) plus the dog. That's it for everyone except for distant I barely know. I think most people would be making a big deal of it. It is a big deal, as are all losses. Grief compounds not diminishes.

That being said however if you have a rare soul who has earned trust completely that is something one rarely is blessed with. It's not to judge others, but most people aren't going to be that True Blue. It's just as ok to recognize where relationships lack in order to value the difference.

Hugs to you.⁹

ETA It also seems common to me that being strong is a term often used but the truth is, I bet you like me are extremely soft hearted, as I find are others who don't express themselves so openly easily. I think it's maybe a protective mechanism. But also authentic. I think there can be so much pain it's beyond words, and no one to safely share it it becomes normal to internalize it. Also, actions and consistency speak loudest. Go by your heart. Xox.

 

[Jade-]

empathy, jade. there are all too many who think i am too strong to have problems of my own and have ample time and resources to carry them with ease. just plain shitty.

Thank you.

Same, people just seem to think I can handle anything. But I don't usually ask much from anyone and I am the one that's always there for everyone else.

And getting through this without anyone is just going to make people think they're right in assuming I am strong.

I wish this were true, but I believe people are uncomfortable about death and don’t know what to do. Being upfront and asking for help is something I am just learning. Assumptions can be dangerous. I send my condolences and understand your situation, people always tell me how strong I am and it pisses me off when I am feeling down. Strong sure…but it disregards my needs.

I agree, people are uncomfortable about death and don't know what to do. Or say. I guess I expected people to respond/behave the same way I would/do when they go through a loss.

I really do need to start asking for help. (Well, actually I hinted for help a little but some just can't take a hint I guess.)

Hi @Jade-

The weird thing is, as 1st responders say those who are silent are the 1st to address, those screaming 2nd. I am currently in the same spot, with one sister with bad cancer, a 20 year b-i-l with heart failure, and the remaining sister struggling. It freaked me out the other day when I paused and thought between us there are 3 of us left as family (4 with b-i-l) plus the dog. That's it for everyone except for distant I barely know. I think most people would be making a big deal of it. It is a big deal, as are all losses. Grief compounds not diminishes.



ETA It also seems common to me that being strong is a term often used but the truth is, I bet you like me are extremely soft hearted, as I find are others who don't express themselves so openly easily. I think it's maybe a protective mechanism. But also authentic. I think there can be so much pain it's beyond words, and no one to safely share it it becomes normal to internalize it. Also, actions and consistency speak loudest. Go by your heart. Xox.

I'm sorry for all that you have going on with your loved ones, thats a lot to deal with.

And you're right, I don't express myself easily and I always try to put on a brave front for others so that I don't seem needy or like a burden to anyone.. I'm always the caretaker. As a matter of fact I was consloling others at the funeral & was caught off guard when I hugged someone and said "I'm so sorry for your loss" and they in return said "what do you mean , this is YOUR loss". Sure made me stop and think for a minute cause I was so busy caretaking I completely forgot about myself and how I feel.

I suppose I have no right to be upset with anyone for not being/doing/saying what I wanted and needed when I never actually told anyone what I wanted and needed!

 

[Tinyflame]

Absolutely @Jade- you can only try. And then accept people as they are. And give them room to improve and work on communicating more honestly yourself and giving yourself room to improve. Probably the fact it's pretty overwhelming and there is history and multiple emotions doesn't make it easy even if you were used to it! Same for others hearing it too, sometimes. Or sometimes they are indifferent but that just is, too.

Hugs.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry about the death of your sibling. And also that the people in your life wouldn't have understood that anyone needs support when someone dies. Like you, I would have made the assumption they would understand that.

I've also battled the thing of people thinking I am strong. And being there for them and it not always being reciprocated. I think that, before I started therapy, that was a very comfortable place for me to be. To help others, to fix things, to avoid my feelings. As I changed in therapy, I needed my friendships and relationships to change. I needed them to notice my feelings and respond, like I was learning to do. So things got sticky for a bit. But fortunately I have my 'inner circle' of people who were able to adapt with me. I learnt to express what I needed when I figured that out. It's still learning as default position is to keep it to myself.
Some people/friendships I realised have their limitations. Others have abundance.

I share that in case it helps in anyway.

 

[Jade-]

I'm not so hurt and upset over this anymore because I have decided to see it as a lesson learned.

I've always been a care taker, a people pleaser and I've never asked for anything in return from helping and doing for everyone else and this has been a huge eye opening experience, cause where tf were these same people when I needed them?

Of course they assumed that I needed them, that I needed their support, but they also knew I would manage on my own so they didn't bother putting in effort. They also knew I wouldn't say anything about it too. I am not a vengeful person or anything like that but I sure will not be afarid to start saying no to them when they need me(well a death of course I would). This wasn't something small or petty, I lost a sibling, that's a huge ordeal, and it shows me how much I am taken for granted, I mean they could have at least spent a dollar on a sympathy card or something, anything. Anything besides just acting like it didn't matter at all!

 

[Jade-]

Absolutely @Jade- you can only try. And then accept people as they are. And give them room to improve and work on communicating more honestly yourself and giving yourself room to improve. Probably the fact it's pretty overwhelming and there is history and multiple emotions doesn't make it easy even if you were used to it! Same for others hearing it too, sometimes. Or sometimes they are indifferent but that just is, too.

Hugs.

You're right, I just need to accept people as they are instead of having expectations.

I guess I just wanted/expected others to be there for me because they wanted to and not feel like I needed to ask them to be there. Lesson learned though.

I'm sorry about the death of your sibling. And also that the people in your life wouldn't have understood that anyone needs support when someone dies. Like you, I would have made the assumption they would understand that.

I've also battled the thing of people thinking I am strong. And being there for them and it not always being reciprocated. I think that, before I started therapy, that was a very comfortable place for me to be. To help others, to fix things, to avoid my feelings. As I changed in therapy, I needed my friendships and relationships to change. I needed them to notice my feelings and respond, like I was learning to do. So things got sticky for a bit. But fortunately I have my 'inner circle' of people who were able to adapt with me. I learnt to express what I needed when I figured that out. It's still learning as default position is to keep it to myself.
Some people/friendships I realised have their limitations. Others have abundance.

I share that in case it helps in anyway.

Thank you.

I think my default position is to keep things to myself too and have been ok/comfortable with things the way they have always been. Until I just wasn't/am not ok with it anymore. As hard as it is for me to change my own ways it's just as hard to get others to adjust to me doing things differently also.

IDK, this was all such a huge deal to me while it was happening and right afterwards. But now I am over it and know what I need to do differently should I need others support again.

After thinking on this for awhile I also realize that many times I don't tell others what I need and want from them out of fear of rejection. And maybe I didn't tell anyone this time as some sort of test tp see who actually does care about me. IDK but I sure set my own self up for disappointment.

 

[Movingforward10]

After thinking on this for awhile I also realize that many times I don't tell others what I need and want from them out of fear of rejection. And maybe I didn't tell anyone this time as some sort of test tp see who actually does care about me. IDK but I sure set my own self up for disappointment.

I totally get this.
I did/do the testing thing too. It feels familiar and I think it fuels something. However, I realised for me that it wasn't healthy. It was keeping me stuck. Sort of reinforcing a sense of "see I'm right they don't care". When actually, I hadn't always given the an opportunity. For some people (my mum for example) they didn't care and I was right (but I learnt to know that my worth is more than their actions towards me and I don't need to 'test' it anymore). But for others, the people who were worth investing in relationships with, I hadn't given them the opportunity to show care as I hadn't actually let them in emotionally. What they and I needed, was for me to share how I was feeling so that they could know all of me and be there.

It's all complicated and messy. And you're going through a very big life event with your sibling dieing, so examining all this in the context of grief must be very hard.

 

[Jade-]

I totally get this.
I did/do the testing thing too. It feels familiar and I think it fuels something. However, I realised for me that it wasn't healthy. It was keeping me stuck. Sort of reinforcing a sense of "see I'm right they don't care". When actually, I hadn't always given the an opportunity. For some people (my mum for example) they didn't care and I was right (but I learnt to know that my worth is more than their actions towards me and I don't need to 'test' it anymore). But for others, the people who were worth investing in relationships with, I hadn't given them the opportunity to show care as I hadn't actually let them in emotionally. What they and I needed, was for me to share how I was feeling so that they could know all of me and be there.

I hadn't even realized that maybe I was testing others until I really sat and thought about it awhile. I'm not really sure if that was what I was doing with everyone or not but I think I was with my SO. I didn't ask him to go to the funeral and even told him I didn't expect him to and probably even acted like I didn't want him to. Of course I wanted him to though and yes I was hurt when he didn't. But I didn't stay hurt because he was actually very supportive and the only one who was(notice I didn't even mention that when starting this thread? I honestly don't know why). Afterwards I told him wow, I am way stronger than I thought I am. Not sure why I rubbed that in to him either.

IDK why I am doing what I am doing and hurting my own self. Or why I try to seem so strong yet get hurt when people think I am. I have a long way to go.