Grief Containment

[Rose White]

Ugh. Grief. Seems to just keep coming. I try to distract a lot. But it just sneaks in. I was talking to my robot therapist (AI) and it suggested grief containment—said it’s also called mothering the grief. I hate trying new things and it sounds hard and stupid. “Set aside a place or time to grieve.” It’s weird how anger seems to be the other side of grief . Idk what I’m asking in the post. I guess if you do the containment thing. Or just if you’re tired of the grieving too.

For those of you on the other side wondering if/when your body will ever allow the grief, I see you too. I hope you get to experience it if that’s your destiny.

But sometimes it does feel like it’s overwhelming and just keeps coming back like a boomerang.

 

[arfie]

i can't say that i have tried it, or even heard of it, but it sounds like fodder for my control freakasaurus. disasters have a way of following my attempts to dictate natural processes. for my own approach, i let my heart go where it needs to go and process as i go.

It’s weird how anger seems to be the other side of grief .

i'm struggling a bit with the concept of grief having sides to be on, but not so much that anger is part of the process. i am coming up on the sixth anniversary of the accident which took my youngest son and his wife. i still go through bursts of anger that they had the unmitigated gall to saddle me with the raising of their 3 young children. raise your own kids, goddammit! ! ! validating and processing the unpleasant aspects leave me more space to experience the other emotions attached. seems to me that every emotion in the human repertoire goes into the grieving process, including the more pleasant emotions.

 

[user27357]

dont know the term, but in my life all attempts to stop the natural flow of grief into acceptance have been detrimental in the long run. Maybe necessary for a short term thing like getting through a day or the trauma of an event in the moment, but grief will eventually find its way to front of mind even, years later.
Being forced to contain grief to avoid punishment as a child taught me a skill that i wish i hadnt had to learn, and all the emotional scarring that it caused is worse than the grief ever was. The people that taught me to contain grief cannot be forgiven

 

[Rose White]

Thank you @arfie and @enough wise words all around

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Thank you for bringing this up. I am not familiar with the term but I am grieving my failed marriage. I don’t think I have ever really experienced grief before. I think I always just distracted myself. Now I am experiencing grief for the marriage and it makes me a bit emotionally numb. I noticed this when I started dating a gal a couple months ago. It is going well but I seem to be emotionally unable to fully experience the situation. Rationally I know that the relationship with my wife is done. We are almost completely no contact at my request but it is like a cloud hanging over me. I am worried I will never be able to fully love again.

 

[Rose White]

@Lost in the Woods thank you for sharing—very vulnerable . Your fear is understandable. I want to say more but I’m not sure what to say, so I’ll just leave it at that.

 

[littleoc]

Not sure what to say either except that I'm so tired of grief. I used to want a normal life and the more I work towards it the worse it's all gotten. Now it I don't know if it can get any worse, I wish it would. Very overwhelming and confusing and overall just bad

ETA I hope you get to the other side, whatever that looks like for you

 

[Rose White]

Idk why this feels so big tonight. littleoc it’s a lot you are carrying—wish you could get some respite

I used to want a normal life and the more I work towards it the worse it's all gotten. Now it I don't know if it can get any worse, I wish it would.

 

[Movingforward10]

There are so many different types of grief, I wonder if that grief containment might work for some but not others. I wonder if grief containment (I also have never heard of it before), is a bit like thought stopping?

Grieving something you never had: that grief, for me, is a confusing never ending ball game. No idea how you contain that and put it aside as it shows up in so many ways that are beyond my awareness.

SOmetimes grief can be reassuring? I 'like' grieving my dad and missing him. Because it makes me think fondly of him. My relationship with him is no way less complicated because I hold the best bits of him and can leave the rest behind.
Otherwise, when grief is pure and new and overwhelming: it stops you in your tracks.

So, it's really complicated all round.

I have no idea how to help here. Sorry.
But to say, I have found grieving the death of my dad easier than grieving the reality of him and my mum.

Edit to add: maybe the above is something to do with some grief not being tangible?

 

[Rose White]

@Movingforward10 appreciate your perspective and thinking about the different kinds of grief.

 

[Susan Jane]

i can't say that i have tried it, or even heard of it, but it sounds like fodder for my control freakasaurus. disasters have a way of following my attempts to dictate natural processes. for my own approach, i let my heart go where it needs to go and process as i go.

i'm struggling a bit with the concept of grief having sides to be on, but not so much that anger is part of the process. i am coming up on the sixth anniversary of the accident which took my youngest son and his wife. i still go through bursts of anger that they had the unmitigated gall to saddle me with the raising of their 3 young children. raise your own kids, goddammit! ! ! validating and processing the unpleasant aspects leave me more space to experience the other emotions attached. seems to me that every emotion in the human repertoire goes into the grieving process, including the more pleasant emotions.

I cannot image your grief and anger… You are a beautiful soul for taking care of your grandchildren….

 

[Susan Jane]

Grieving is something new for me. The pain of all that has happened either consumed me or I blocked it. Now I let the feelings come, and feel them, tell myself it is over and cry. I do this only for as long as I can stand it. For me it gets easier when I let it come accept the horrible reality and remind myself I cannot change it, but I can change my perspective. I want to be free and live what time I have left peacefully. I breath, ask for guidance, support myself with loving thoughts… it is starting to work. I have been depressed most of my life… This is why my horrible abusive childhood. I am forgiving myself for my bad choices and giving myself understanding. I also know only I can fix me and it’s exhausting and painful but what I’d the difference? Depression and anxiety etc are just as hard to live with…