cPTSD projection ADHD and hopes of reconcilliation.

[ADHDvantagous]

Hi all,
I hope you're all well.
My wife left me about six months ago, completely out of the blue... no rows, nothing. Just came home one day and said 'i'm done, I need to find myself'. Then came the diagnosis of cPTSD, and after doing some research, all her reasons kind of clicked into place. She then confirmed that she had been projecting her old trauma onto me. We were married for three years, together for five, and have a child together.
I have ADHD, therefore my brain runs on facts and clarity. For a couple months after the breakup I found it extremely hard to come to terms with, because I felt the reasons for the breakup made no sense. I then hyper focused researching about cPTSD. I wanted to be the best co-parent I could be, but, if I’m also being honest, I also hoped that if she noticed I wasn't a threat, that she may hopefully re-consider reconciliation.
Also, whilst researching, it's made me realise how much of it hits home for me too, as I feel a lot of it mirrors my own experiences from childhood.
Our co-parenting is absolutely faultless. I've been trying so hard to be her lighthouse and rock... showing her I’m safe, steady, and not a threat.
The thing is, she's so hot and cold. One minute, she’s sharing serious stuff like her mum's health crisis or career worries, and feeling like she trusts me, then the next, she's stone walling any personal care I offer with things like, "it is what it is," or doesn't even ask how I am, and sticks solely to parental logistics.
It feels like she’s keeping the stability I provide (which is exactly what she needs) but without any of the commitment. I feel like She’s created a perfectly safe bubble where I’m her emotional anchor, but I get nothing back. The pressure of maintaining this while still holding on to hope is absolutely draining me, but she is the one person i'd do anything for. But I need to determine when I should give up hope and apply for a divorce to accept that it's over, and fully heal.

So, my questions are....

For those who have been through a seperation due to projection, and then reconcilliated, what was the change of mind? Does this level of stable reliance, but with a strict emotional boundary, quite possibly lead to a healthy reconciliation, or is it just the safest comfort blanket for her?
I feel she relies on me heavily for emotional support, but won't let me in, how do I stop that feeling of being used? How do I switch off the part of my brain that sees her reliance as a sign of progress?


Having ADHD, and possibly cPTSD myself, I desperately need clarity. As much as I don't want to, I'm considering filing for divorce to align the legal status with the emotional reality, and help with the healing process. Is this the most stable, self-preserving action to take, or could it destroy the excellent co-parenting relationship we've built?

Any advice or thoughts anyone has would be a massive help. Thank you so much in advance.

 

[arfie]

hello vantageous. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

my husband and i went through allot of conflict which sounds like what you describe here. we have lived apart several times in our 45 years together. i solidly believe those were the most important years of our marriage because a) those are the years we learned to live and let live and b) it gave us both time to deal with our separate issues and to heal from the conflicts. we never talked divorce during any of our separations. we figure that family is bigger than a shared address. the children which we raised together make us family, regardless of any other logistics.

keep venting, van. your answers are in there and hope really does spring eternal.

 

[ADHDvantage]

hello vantageous. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

my husband and i went through allot of conflict which sounds like what you describe here. we have lived apart several times in our 45 years together. i solidly believe those were the most important years of our marriage because a) those are the years we learned to live and let live and b) it gave us both time to deal with our separate issues and to heal from the conflicts. we never talked divorce during any of our separations. we figure that family is bigger than a shared address. the children which we raised together make us family, regardless of any other logistics.

keep venting, van. your answers are in there and hope really does spring eternal.

Thanks Arfie. Ijust feel like I am at the point of loosing hope, but I also can't imagine a future without her. I don't know if I should continue to be the support, or give up hope and concentrate solely on myself.

 

[Movingforward10]

You are going through something very difficult.

As much as I don't want to, I'm considering filing for divorce to align the legal status with the emotional reality, and help with the healing process. Is this the most stable, self-preserving action to take, or could it destroy the excellent co-parenting relationship we've built?

To me, this seems the most stable, self-preserving action to take. Because you need to look after yourself (and your child). She seemingly is being clear that she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. You giving your heart and soul to helping her, is something you are deciding to do on the hope you will reconcile. But if she hasn't said she needs X from you to reconcile, you're doing all this because of your conclusions rather than the reality? As hard and heartbreaking as that all is. Sometimes accepting and moving on is the kindest thing to do, despite feeling one of the hardest.

However, saying all that, have you said what you have said here to her? And if so, what has she said? And if not, What's stopping you?

 

[arfie]

I don't know if I should continue to be the support, or give up hope and concentrate solely on myself.

i seek the balance between the extremes. when either partner is focused on either extreme, i back off and sing along with the beatles. "let it be, let it be, let it be. there will be an answer. let it be."

when i am able to simply let it be, the answers have a way of coming from the most surprising of sources. when i am trying to force solutions, the head noise verily deafens/blinds me to those surprising sources.

 

[ADHDvantagous]

You are going through something very difficult.

To me, this seems the most stable, self-preserving action to take. Because you need to look after yourself (and your child). She seemingly is being clear that she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. You giving your heart and soul to helping her, is something you are deciding to do on the hope you will reconcile. But if she hasn't said she needs X from you to reconcile, you're doing all this because of your conclusions rather than the reality? As hard and heartbreaking as that all is. Sometimes accepting and moving on is the kindest thing to do, despite feeling one of the hardest.

However, saying all that, have you said what you have said here to her? And if so, what has she said? And if not, What's stopping you?

Hi movingforward, thankyou for your honesty and not beating around the bush, I appreciate that!
I understand she doesn't want to be in a relationship any more, and I have said similiar to her in the past (approx 2-3months ago) but after researching in to cPTSD, I'm was hoping she would be able to seperate her past trauma from me, and give things another try. This was the first time we had ever broke up. There is also alot of serious trauma we witnessed and experienced on different occasions whilst we were in the relationship, which I feel may of been the main cause of the trigger. I just don't understand how part of her trauma is related to her parent's, yet chose to move back in with them, even though she states they do her head in at times.
I just don't want to go for divorce mainly for 2 reasons...
1. It may cause her more distress, anxiety etc
2. Once the divorce is completed, If I were to move on and she wanted to give things a 2nd chance, I'd be so confused, as I would see the divorce as 'the end', 'no going back'.
I feel so confused on what's the right choice, and what to do. I always said I'd never get married, yet... after I met her, i couldn't think of anything else but marry her. If I divorce, I feel it would be the first and last time I'd ever get married.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm was hoping she would be able to seperate her past trauma from me, and give things another try.

It's understandable you have hope. It's working out of that hope is leaving you in limbo or helping you.

There is also alot of serious trauma we witnessed and experienced on different occasions whilst we were in the relationship, which I feel may of been the main cause of the trigger.

You have both been through a lot together. Does she agree that these things are the trigger?

I just don't understand how part of her trauma is related to her parent's, yet chose to move back in with them, even though she states they do her head in at times.

Maybe she has hope that they will change? Maybe there is a familiarity with them that feels safe for her even though there is trauma related to them? What does she say about it?

1. It may cause her more distress, anxiety etc

And how about you? She is the one who has ended this so if there is divorce that comes from it (which is the logical conclusion from separation) then the impact of that will be for her to manage for herself and you for yours.

etc
2. Once the divorce is completed, If I were to move on and she wanted to give things a 2nd chance, I'd be so confused, as I would see the divorce as 'the end', 'no going back'.

Divorce is final. But friendship can be there. And love still. But in different forms.

If I divorce, I feel it would be the first and last time I'd ever get married.

This is also an understandable thought. But the beauty of the future is that it is unknown. Maybe this would be the first and last marriage. Maybe someone else is out there that would open this possibility back up for you in the future. All that is unknown.

 

[ADHDvantagous]

It's the hope leaving me in limbo.
She agrees that some of these things are or may have contributed to the trigger, and she has admitted to projecting her trauma experience on to me.
I don't feel i'd be able to truly be a friend and love her if/when we get divorced. I gave up so much of my life for her and never gave up on her, but it feels like she gave up so easily. It hurts everytime I see her and have had so many people walk out of my life, that i've learned to shut them off for my own healing.
I don't see how there is beauty in the future if it's unknown. The beauty of the future isn't that it's unknown, but that we've already chosen the person we'll face it with... (or thought we had in my case).
I wouldn't want to get married again, and risk going through this pain again.