General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[Tinyflame]

Hello Dhammond, welcome.

I would most recommend first not taking it as personal- realizing it's driven by her ptsd (and likely anger and guilt and rage at herself, too). For your own feelings, peace of mind and quality of life, don't respond (get dragged into it), remain (emotionally and psychologically detached as much as possible- look upon her as ill and much of this is a symptom of her illness). Later, at a more 'sane' and less emotionally-charged time she may be willing to take responsibiliy for her behaviour, or acknowledge it; at that time or a calm time initiated by yourself (you can tell her you have to talk together and choose a time to speak together about it), you can express that you are worried she needs assistance, don't load her with guilt- show her by your words you understand and don't take it personally, but do not enable her, either (her denial will destroy your marriage if not her life and even possibly eventually kill her), do tell her it does hurt you and that you will cannot and will not accept that kind of response (make boundaries acceptable to yourself) and tell her what you will do (walk away next time if it occurs, etc).
I say that also with the caveat that everything is also within the 'timing' and go by your 'gut' instinct: there are moments in time for support that's critical, other times necessary to take a clear but harder stance.

I don't know if you have children but they cannot be allowed to remain privy to this, without being affected themselves. Hopefully there is a better way.

In the meantime read here like crazy to educate yourself, so that you really will understand and will have a 'roadmap' of sorts on what to do and not do, and also to get support for yourself. Do everything in your power to care for yourself, or you will not be able to help yourself or her. Get a therapist if you can, don't suffer alone. Express your fears.

I'm sure others will have other advice that may be even more useful, but I hope things work out for you and your family.

Best wishes to you.

 

[stella]

I am new to this site and have been reading for almost 2 hours. You all seem to be doing so well with your situations. I'm about to lose my mind!! I've been married to my husband for 12 years, 7 of which he's been going to counseling, and our marriage is on the brink! I feel like I can't take it anymore. I've obviously been doing some things wrong with him (trying to talk), but I've felt so chronically hurt by him that now I say really mean things and lash out at him. I have no idea if it's codependency on my part or what. I did marry for better/worse, richer/poorer, sickness/health, but I'm having a very hard time coping. Isn't anyone else angry?????

 

[santina]

I have just found this site after the worst 3 years of my 42 year marriage. My husband has changed into a Jekyll and Hyde, with accompanying rage that I have never seen in our marriage until recently. I suspect he was molested as a young child and is in repression. We did try some self help, but when I started touching on the subject of his caregiver, he shut down, made two tight fists, and punched downward with them, while saying emphatically- IT'S DANGEROUS. Within 6 months, we are now separated. He does come to help me with the house, still says he loves me, but he runs hot and cold. Loving and then detached. I just don't know what to do. I do love him so much and we did have a really good marriage for 38 years. I have read so many symptoms on this site that appear to be exactly like him.

Someone please tell me how to get through to him .....I just thought he was a Narcissist and told him so. But this new behavior had me thinking that he was losing his mind. Why would this disorder show up all these years after the horrible incident??? It's like it popped up overnight.

 

[Learning123]

Hi Santina, I am sorry to hear your story. It is totally possible for this to crop up years later from what I have read, but I will leave that to the experts to comfirm. What I can say, is that I doubt that you will be able to get through to him, you can try, but the outcome probably won't be pretty. I would say that he has to get through to himself, get some help himself and want to fix himself, you can't do that, and I know that is hard to hear. The best thing that I think you can do is to decide...

Can you handle that this is the new him? and although he can improve and learn to manage this, he probably won't go back to the person he was before

Do you love him enough to adapt your way of life too, change your expectations and ride this?

Can you look after you and make sure that he continues to respect you throughout this new journey?

Are you prepared for the Jekyll and Hyde without warning, and can you be there for him / give him space when he needs it?

This is a scary time for both of you, and I guess you have to decide if you can handle it, just like he has to decide if he can handle seeking help. I wish you both the best of luck, I think this is a very long journey for everyone on this site and I am sure you will get lots of help and guidance. I wish you all the best.

x

 

[santina]

Learning123--Thank you so much for your kind response.

Because I didn't realize or even imagine what was going on with him, I would get angry, strike back, and think he just didn't care about me or our marriage anymore. That's why we finally separated. He still wears his wedding ring, keeps my photo on his cell phone, comes over to help no matter how often I need it,; but when he turns into Hyde, I don't even know who he is. I miss him so much and don't even know how to even get him to consider he has PTSD symptoms.

I really can't say if I could put up with this for the long haul. It certainly does make a difference in my knowing what has caused the man I always loved and who loved me to change so radically. But I just don't know if I could continue to deal with his angry outbursts, hurtful words and actions, shorter and shorter honeymoon stages, etc. on a daily basis for who knows how long.

About a year ago before we separated, he agreed to go see a doctor about his demons. But as soon as we got back home, it became a dead subject. When I tried recently to bring it up again, he ranted and raged instantaneously that he didn't need a doctor, I did. That's when I knew I couldn't keep torturing myself. He can go from loving to rage and then detachment so quickly.

This is all so new for him. He was such a good husband. I wonder what makes these men finally face their demons and seek help. He won't even acknowledge the abuse he suffered as a child so how could he acknowledge his PTSD symptoms.???

42 happy years over just like that.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Santina, I am sad that your husband just changed. Yes it can happen. I was holding for a while and then an even happened and my mind crack. I cannot describe it.

I appreciate your insights and the thoughts you share. It is a terrible fear for us sufferers to be labeled things like narcissist when we actually hate ourselves. But that is what happens. We are looked upon as "bad" because in any other light, that is what we would be.

This is why I isolate and keep even family far away. I had loving family once.

 

[SoulUnsold]

There's no pressure because it's only a volunteer position and if I don't want to, I don't have to go in, but I always do. And I usually cover at least one shift a week that isn't mine as well. Yet, I feel worthless. I feel like I'm "sponging" off WSIB and that I should be able to get back out there and "work" for my pay.

Melody

I think it is wonderful that you are volunteering for Hospice, and that it is a very healthy approach to your situation. You are able to give to others who reap a tremendous benefit from your work, and I would think that supporting a cause that helps others helps you to realize that you and your contributions of time and energy have great value.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Soul, I think that it's all the more genuine because you aren't paid for it.
But most of all they need really compassionate and kind people- and that is obviously 'who' and 'how' you are.
That's pretty darn 'worthwhile', to me.
((((Hugs))))

 

[Nicolette]

Isn't anyone else angry?????

When you work out what you are really angry about and accept it or process it you will find yourself in a better space.

I get all what you say about you but I notice some of what you are trying is not the most ideal way of approaching a Sufferer.I think it would be helpful for you to learn more about PTSD and have appropriate support where you can vent and discuss your issues and that person, for the interim, is not your husband until you get your head around things and release your anger.

 

[mrswgc2003]

My wonderful hubby is the sufferer of this monster, and after reading the number of posts which describe this as a Demon (the exact same way he describes it) I wonder if there might not be a common "thread" somewhere. Anyway, I have been reading some of the descriptions that other sufferers have posted here to him, and he sits there and shakes his head yes--this is so much of what he is going thru. He agrees that it is "scarey" to have so many others see and know what he is going thru, but frustrating at the same time because those who should care (the medical professionals that we have come in contact with) don't seem to care and definitely don't want to "get it" either.

He also said the following which really has me thinking "There are NO trusted emotions!" I think I understand what he is trying to tell me, but I am not quite sure. Like many of the other carers here, I love this man with all of my heart, and I see what this monster has done to his life and his family (I am wife number 4 even though he only counts 3 because one marriage did not last 6 months before they called it quits).

I too have had a hard time dealing with the "withdrawl" times especially here lately when we discovered that he had a woman online "stalking" him because he had played dominoes with her a few times. But after reading all of this thread + seeing more and more of my husband in the sufferers post, I think I am begining to understand a little bit more of what he is going through.

We have fought with the V.A. for the past year to get a referral to the local PTSD support group, because the local group will not allow new members without a medical diagnosis, and the V.A. doesn't want to give us that because it will change his disability "rating" and cost the government more money. Who cares about the stupid money--we want a place to go to actually get the help and support that he needs, not just the "run around", 15 minutes in the office with the psychologist every 6 months, and more medication to "help take the edge off". While I can sit here and read these posts to him (and he KNOWS that he is not the only one out here), it would be of greater help if he could sit down and really talk with someone who has been where he is and KNOWS that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (that is not a fast moving train that will run him down).

We deal at least weekly with the nightmares, sometimes better than others, and he just let me know that sometimes a hug would do him more good than asking if he needs to talk about it (I suggested that he tell me so, now we will wait and see if he does). They have increased his medication and added different meds 3 times trying to get some control over the nightmares, and get him some rest, but my question is this, do the meds really help, or are we simply putting a band-aid on a bullet wound?

Thank you all for your wonderful insights and honesty, I will definitely be here more often now that I know there is a place for me to turn! Lanita

 

[BigBear]

We have fought with the V.A. for the past year to get a referral to the local PTSD support group,

Any chance of seeing a Psych on your own. Just to get a diagnosis?

Bear

 

[mrswgc2003]

That may be where we have to go, we were hoping that we could do this in a less expensive manner, but it does not look that way. Thank You for reminding me to bring this up to the hubby!