Urge To Cut Is Back

[Heather]

.there's a life with all the things that you want in it......I PROMISE

How come you're so sure? I'm not. I don't even know what I want.

 

[freakofnurture]

Damn it. I managed to not cut myself last night; I distracted myself by reading and lecturing myself about how stupid it would be to cut because of the bad behaviour of others, how I will hate the scar later, how I will make the hurt a permanent part of myself when it could have been just a passing emotion that I grow out of...
Now I've talked on the phone with my paternal Grandma and not only did she mention my goddamn m*other, no, she told me how my mom would always listen compassionately to me, and how sad she looked when they watched photos of me on their easter gathering; and on top of that she informed me that my Grandpa doesn't want to talk to me anymore because he 'doesn't understand' that I don't forgive my p*rents.
How the f*ck am I supposed to put all THAT aside? *insert long string of cursewords here* I don't want to honor this shit by shedding my own blood but I'm pretty sure that distraction and berating self-talk won't do the trick tonight (positive self-talk only makes the urge worse :/). 80% chance that I'll slip into the mindset in which I think it would be helpful. I'm so angry!
I could go and give my equipment to my husband, but then I'd just use a kitchen knife and no disinfectant -.-
Eh. Maybe I'll get away with some bruising or scratching.
I feel so sick, it's not funny.

 

[freakofnurture]

Hah, no cuts. None. Not even scratches or bruises. I'm great. *pats herself on the shoulder*

 

[The Albatross]

Former cutter here... to see if I could "feel". I changed tacts, but admire you all for your honesty. Congratulations on all you're successes.

 

[OKRADLAK]

You can get past it! I know you can :-)

I did it for a season until I managed a rather deep cut that would not stop and I got scared because I had a blood disorder, so --------boy was I stupid.

The thing I cannot kick no matter what........is another problem. No amount of therapy has even touched it, but to be fair to me I live in a rural area and had to go without treatment for a long time and even now, it's a crap shoot.

 

[Heather]

I hate this!! It is soo hard right now. I want to do it. Anything and everything self-destructive to end the pain. Cutting is a choice my therapist said -- YES I know that.

We all have choices. My father had a choice. He chose to do those things to me when I was 11 y/o:cry:.

It's too much. ALL OF THIS IS JUST TO f*ckING MUCH. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate myself. I hate my life. It hurts too much.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Heather-

I hope you found a way to distract and did not cut! What he did to you was so wrong. I struggle, too, with how one person, or even a few, can so totally destroy another and walk away! You are lucky to have a therapist and be in treatment not having to deal with it all alone. And we all care about you here, too! You are a real person to us, not just an icon.

I hope you made it through. Are you feeling better today?

(((((HEATHER)))))

 

[Heather]

I hope you made it through.

Thank you Okradlak - sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I post stuff and hardly anyone responds. Especially when I'm really struggling. Makes me feel hated.

I did some damage last night and cut myself on my arm, upper thigh and my hip. UGH! I hate feeling this way
I am so miserable right now.

My therapist said something to me yesterday. He said I was a terrific person and I thought that was a really nice thing for him to say. I don't really believe him. Maybe part of this was to prove him wrong. Terrific people don't go around hacking themselves with razor blades.

I'm just in a really bad place right now.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Heather, you ARE a terrific person! I can tell by the things you write. And you are always so kind and supportive to people on here. I know you feel bad. You are doing everything right, though, and that takes courage. I know it's all up and down and that's OK. Just ride it out! I will be sending warm and healing thoughts.

 

[livergirl70]

I only cut as a form of coping..... I could hide the marks easily.

Yeah I've only ever done it as a release of pressure and do it in places that aren't noticeable. It helps so much at the time, but I end up feeling really bad the next day that I resorted to it

 

[AzureMind]

Heather I'm sure because I believe it; I know that a life with SI helped because I wanted and needed it so I validated it's presence by BELIEVING in it....when your done with it, you'll look else where for things to believe in :) Right now it's hard to know what you want when you feel that you're "best friend SI" is on the verge of leaving you, but it's for the best; just think of it as that friend that raids your fridge and eats all YOUR GOOD ICE CREAM!! UGH!!! THAT'S THE WORST!! lol :roflmao:

 

[freakofnurture]

@Heather: You know we don't hate you. And I, for one, will welcome our new Heather Overlord, once your superior coolness has conquered the solar system and brought about a New Age of love, peace and smooth dance moves. *puts on some real good music* Let's get going. Yeah... *does the robot* ;)

It's been said in this thread before, I think, but I'll repeat it because this line of thinking has helped me a lot in the past ~three weeks:

If you cut because you feel self-hate, don't effing do it. That hate you feel isn't yours, it's your abuser's. Cut out of 'self-hate' and continue the tradition that brought you here in the first place.

There really isn't such a thing as self-hate, only the internalisation of the hatred your abusers showed towards you. If you feel you hate yourself, you really don't know jack about how you actually feel about yourself. You're only emotionally repeating the sh*t others have taught you. It makes you become your abusers tool in a continued effort to act out their own learned hatred on someone else but themselfs.

Put the feelings and the urge back to where they belong. Give them back to your abusers. Tell the feeling that it isn't yours. Tell yourself to not listen to your abuser. Take that hatred and turn it around to use it against your abusers. Allow yourself to feel your anger towards the people who hurt you and the lies they told you about yourself. Become the helping person that you have been waiting for. You know you did nothing wrong, you were just a child. Those sick pieces of crap degraded themselfs by hurting you, and damn, they hurt you a lot. Hate them.

Allow yourself to not do it. It's okay. It's not your hate, you don't have to act upon it. Let that little implanted f*cker kick and scream all it wants, you know it isn't real. Observe it exhausting itself while you remain passive, trusting in the knowledge that it will go away and you will still be here, alive and living well - the best revenge.

It's mental de-worming :)