What Are You Avoiding Doing, That You Really Must Do In Order To Gain, Regain Or Maintain Wellness?

[femaleveteran]

hey I know about the parental thing...I avoided "home" for years because the closer i got to it the more sorse of a daughter I felt I was. Then after my Mother's passing, I did come home and I have regretted every moment I was away. I never got her to see that I was aa person who was an adult who had rights either. It was almost like I owed it to her to take care of her after I graduated high school simply because she was gracious enough to give birth to me.

I think that now that she is deceased I will have to deal with avoiding the conversation I should have had with her about me being an adult and having rights. Also I never had that conversation with my Dad either, but with him it was a little different...or has become a little diffferent now as far as my own feelings because I now see so clearly that he obviously was stricken pretty badly with PTSD himself from his service in Vietnam.

Anyway, MissAntiSunshine I hope you can find a home for yourself and people who care for you and with whom you can feel safe and unafraid. I also hope you can have that conversation with your parents.

Ms Spock, I also hope you can find a place to call home and also people with whom you can feel comfortable and all that sort of thing as well....I hope we ALL can find that at some point in this life as Lord Knows we all deserve to have that I do have to believe.

 

[njray]

Heather said "He wants me to write 100x's on a piece of paper before the next time I see him (yea right):p

THAT I AM 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS, BEHAVIOR AND FEELINGS. I OWN ALL OF IT!

I'm no longer allowed to blame anybody else! That is seriously so not fair. And no fun! We talked about tossing out the victim behavior and seeing myself as something different. Wow, now there's a concept "

Okay I see this concept touted in so many places (12 step programs? I have viewed on line that so many here talk about ). My question is if I take responsibility for my own actions. This may get others close to me in trouble............ Not going to get to deep into it... but If I come forward and address my issues all of them regarding something that is very pressing on me that I am definitely going to need to address to move forward with my life others may be hurt....

I am torn very much in allowing this to happen. For me to move forward others most likely will get hurt. It kind of seems VERY selfish.... An advocate of mine says I need to do what is best for me..........What ! What about being kind/caring to others ones I love? am I not suppose to love everyone even those that have harmed me etc...... The way my emotions flutter constantly and that of how I have made so many wrong choices in the past kind of out of my inability to control and critical think at times (most) even makes making the choice of accepting this concept impossible....

Do i make a valid point? I kind of hope I am not and someone comes forward to give me the magical answer I need to move forward without feeling and living with guilt.

 

[ms spock]

Oh dear Ms Spock- it is just the truth. You are very wise, to think of and recognize these things.

The not belonging thing is so very hard Junebug. It is a hardwired process in our brains and in our social lives as primates. Not belonging in the jungle or the wild west meant death.

Belonging to a clan, kin, folks, team, kindred spirits, group, base, home, motherland, fellowship, mob, companionship, ancestors or tribe or family or friendship networks is one of the most important things for us, as primates. And I believe it explains why so many people stay in relationships when it is not in their best interests not to - it is a hard wired biological imperative to belong.

Of course we all do it differently. Some people are introverts and some people are extroverts. There is room for everyone.

But not having that belonging is a catastrophic. Individuality is a construct of modern society. Take away someone's family, friends, school, activities, work etc and if you have someone that is making a stand, then as a consequence is abandoned by all social networks in their life, then you have some in a very tough space culturally. I don't think a lot of people make it.

Similarily if you don't feel you belong because of PTSD or the effects of PTSD or the cause of PTSD you occupy a very painful and heart wrenching cultural and social position which, unless someone has actually been there, they have no way of understanding or even a glimpse of the situation.

It is those people who say it will get better, and sometimes it does, but on the whole people who hold these types of social and cultural positions it doesn't get better because they are holding the space for the next cultural and social developments in our societies.

Having been on my own since I was 15, (and long before that as well) I have had a long time to think about all of this and watch people in various situations as well.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

.
Ms Spock, I also hope you can find a place to call home and also people with whom you can feel comfortable and all that sort of thing as well....I hope we ALL can find that at some point in this life as Lord Knows we all deserve to have that I do have to believe.

I hope so. It is such a big challenge today.

My psycho mother wrote me a horribly manipulative letter which I received today. I can't imagine every feeling safe in my home. I can't imagine ever feeling like I deserve a nice home.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Heather said "He wants me to write 100x's on a piece of paper before the next time I see him (yea right):p

Just as you are 100% responsible for your actions and behaviour and feelings. So, too, are the people in your life. You can let them go with love.

If you do what is best for you, you are giving people permission to do what is best for them as well. You are modelling best practice.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

am I not suppose to love everyone even those that have harmed me etc.....

Do i make a valid point?

No you don't have to love even those that have harmed you. It is detrimental to them and it is detrimental for yourself.
People need to face the consequences of their choices. You chose to hurt someone a reasonable response and consequence is to lose that person.

You are making a valid point.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Being able to identify some thing important to yourself and to know you are not alone is very important in my humble opinion.

I feel better when I get that other people understand and have had similar experiences as my own. I feel so less lonely.

I also feel for them to - but that is human and okay.

ms spock

 

[njray]

ms spock

Not sure I "like" how you responded to my post through your keyboard but seeing it makes logical sense (without emotion that is).

I have to learn to let go of what is not good for me ( It just seems I am not able to)..... Unfortunately it is like those addicted to the bottle and or drugs...... there is something that keeps me stuck in a place I know is not good for me (because it is easy who are we kidding). I try to pick up on what methods those that have suffered long term abuse by family and entrusted persons used to take those first baby steps....... I still have not found my first step

Better wellness...It is not easy

 

[ms spock]

It is hard. You are brave for even thinking about it. It opens quite a can of worms.

I, too, struggle not to be stuck in a place that I know is not good for me.

ms spock

 

[njray]

Ms Spock said:

It is hard. You are brave for even thinking about it. It opens quite a can of worms.
I, too, struggle not to be stuck in a place that I know is not good for me.

My response:
I appreciate the "brave" jesture. I have often thought about the "letting go" and "moving foward". I take one step ahead and 3 back. I am weak not brave...... I must say even to take the one step forward even baby step is like climbing a mountain. In the past I had no problems climbing to summits ...My problem is these mountains I was climbing I thought were supported by good people it turned out not to be the case......... In my head some days things seem so possible but others forget it............ I just cower, no inner strength, I feel drained.

I always feel better when I am at a safe distance but I am meeting to many roadblocks without alternate routes to get to just a starting point.........

As I type this there is this inner brain battle like that of the train "I think I can" "I think I can" but then the reality of no you cant steps in the path........

 

[ms spock]

And it was exactly like that for me when I was doing what you were doing but I wasn't clear about it as you are at this time.

A baby step, three steps backwards and feeling totally drained and exhausted (hiding under the doona cover) and only feeling ok at a very safe distance.

I cowered and I had no inner strength. I got done over. But these are all very painful learning experiences. Unfortunately where I had to begin to learn to look out for myself I was way behind the eight ball.

I still have troubles with this stuff. It takes time. It is not easy. Being able to talk about it and verbalise it is brave even if you don't feel like this at this time.

And it feels too, too, way, way too hard. Those days you need to take a break if you can.

ms spock

 

[njray]

ms spock,

That you again for the kind words of maybe there is hope and expanding my vocabulary......."doona"