Poll Have You Forgiven The People Who Hurt You

[Kb3]

I am stuck in anger and hatred for the people who hurt me and can't seem to move on. Have you forgiven your perpetrators and if you did, has it helped you?

 

[Stacie]

Me too. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of negativity , anger and hatred towards someone I don't even have to deal with anymore. I can't seem to let go and I can't even want to forgive.

I am not expecting an apology, but can't stop needing acknowledgement from my family that they hurt me deeply, really messed with my mind. I keep hoping one day my mother will wake up and admit that maybe, just maybe, her life and my chidhood had something to do with the fact that I am dealing with PTSD, depression, etc...But that will never, ever happen and I know it.

The "traumatic" experiences are over, but for me the residual anger, along with the pain and other things I can't put into words are affecting me just as badly. On the outside, I try to be a good person who is nice to everyone and not treat anyone else badly, but this anger I am hiding is hurting me and also contributes to my feelings of being damaged and defective.

Rationally, I know the best thing is to let it go and forgive. Even appealing to my emotional side, the best revenge is living well.

But neither of those seem to be sinking into my heart, which is still full of resentment. The only hope I have is that once I can let my wall down and release the pain, the anger will no longer be necessary.

 

[Smorck5]

I have not forgiven anyone cause not one of them have admitted to and taken responsibility for what they did. I feel like if they did I may be able to forgive to a degree. I just cut most of them out of my life....the only one i still have trouble with is my mother. I still have contact with her and she brings up the past all the time and refers to herself as another victim which drives me nuts!

I think it takes a really strong person to forgive and I'm just not there yet, but I think that's ok!

 

[Sterre]

Voted for "No, and I would never consider it"!

I have not forgiven anyone cause not one of them have admitted to and taken responsibility for what they did. I feel like if they did I may be able to forgive to a degree. I just cut most of them out of my life....the only one i still have trouble with is my mother. I still have contact with her and she brings up the past all the time and refers to herself as another victim which drives me nuts!

Same here! Altough I occasionaly speak to my mother I keep the contact very superficial. I will never forgive of forget the neglect and the violence, and all those other nasty things, but I am able to, after a break of twenty years where she was not in my life, to have some kind of relationship with her.

I dont get consumed by anger anymore, but I can sometimes feel a cold flare of hate towards her. Then I know it's time to not see her for a while.

 

[Smorck5]

I understand that flare of hate all to well....my mother can set off my triggers in record time! She expects to have this perfect loving mother daughter relationship & wants me to bend over backwards for her. When as a child she fed me to the wolves! I wish I had the ability to walk away 100% but for now I'm working on forgiving myself for not being a caring daughter and setting up boundaries!

 

[Kb3]

In my own way I have forgiven my family. They did the best they could with the limited coping skills they had available to them. They still annoy me however, because they have never fully taken responsibility for how much they messed me up and are just generally clueless and expect the world to think the way that they do. This is a major reason that I moved to another continent:). They're nice people and they mean well, but they're totally crazy, as my brother so beautifully put it.

The people I haven't been able to forgive hurt me more recently and they are the ones that I want to purge completely. They serve absolutely no purpose other than to piss me off and I feel like this constant grudge is doing me more harm than anything else. I also try to follow the Lord's prayer in life and "forgive those who trespass against us" but so far it has been an insurmountable task. What they did to me seems so unforgivable that it pains me to think of letting them off the hook. Why should I forgive them I think? They don't deserve to be forgiven.

Maybe my definition of forgiveness is too narrow, or maybe like Stacie, I can finally move on with this after I have released my pain. Either way, life is too short too waste my energy on them in this way, and I welcome anyone's take on how they have managed to live with this issue.

 

[Kim]

No I don't forgive her and never will but for my own sake I had to let go of the hate I felt toward her. I finally came to realize that she wasn't worth the energy I was wasting on hating her. That just by hating her I was devoting more emotion on her that she was worth. Yes I'm still angry but I don't hate her any more. I feel absolutely nothing for her now. I have better ways of spending my time and energy.

It took me a very long time to get to that point. Part of the process for me was getting hold of my father's military record. Once I had that in hand and read it the pieces started to fall into place for me and many of the lies she had told me over the years had been exposed. My father could not have been the kind of man she wanted me to believe he was and have had such an unblemished record in the Marines. In my case at least the truth did set me free. I guess I'm lucky in that respect.

 

[a3a2]

I'm trying. Most of the time I think I have, and then I have a flare-up, and I feel so angry. And at the same time pity I have for them. No, they have not apologized. I would love that. But I do think they regret many things they did. It is just easier to live in denial than it is to apologize.

How do you know if you have forgiven them?

 

[Lionheart]

I don't believe that I have the capacity to forgive evil. However, I have let go of my hatred towards them because it does no good and it hurts me. The biggest role forgiveness has played in my life is the forgiveness I had to extend towards myself; for abandoning myself, for cutting, for drinking alcohol excessively etc. etc....for that I have total forgiveness.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Forced forgetfulness helps. :confused:

 

[AngelaMarie]

I have forgiven a lot of people. I just can't forgive bio-mom, bio-grandma, bio-aunt. I don't not know if I can and do not know if I want to. I don't think about it any more than necessary because we live in different countries. It doesn't eat me up inside. I just feel that forgiveness is earned, not given away for free.

 

[Kb3]

"How do you know if you have forgiven them?"

I know that I have forgiven them because I can put myself in their shoes and really understand why they did the things they did. Not like, not accept, but understand. They parented me the way that they were parented, and the way that they were parented was authoritarian and in my father's case, brutally abusive.

I have had the opportunity to break the cycle that he in particular was part of, and hopefully, when I am old, my children will not mind spending time with me because I will have worked out my problems and taken responsibility for the ones that I inadvertently passed on.

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