Poll Have You Forgiven The People Who Hurt You

[Heather]

but I don't think I've forgiven him yet...I don't think I know how. I still harbor this anger towards him, and though he's explained it, I just can't bring myself to forgive him. I definitely have not forgiven the man who abused me when I was a toddler, because he abused my sister, too.

In my opinion, (and I'm going to be blunt) screw your family. If you're not ready to forgive, you're not ready and if you're NEVER ready that's okat too! Did he explain it or justify what he did?

Honestly, just reading how your family wants you to behave makes me really angry. You're supposed to be amicable with the very people that hurt you at such a core level???? That is so f**ked up!!

Ofcourse that's what my mother wanted me to do to....that's probably why I'm having this reaction but I told her to go screw herself.

Take care of yourself.

Hugs. Heather

 

[Heather]

I am a bitter resentful, indignant mess and I probably always will be.

Oh, I don't know about that sea, I think you're selling yourself short. You have a lot of GOOD qualities too.:);)

 

[anni]

I'm a little wary of posting in threads where people are a ton younger than me. The perspectives are way off, you know? Maybe it's a little annoying then to hear something which might make no sense. It's just that Heather kind of got to the root of things. There's a lot of takes on forgiveness, how it's 'good' for you. I think it's good for you if you can do it, that's all. If it's expected of you, and you can't- and it's on someone else's terms it's not forgiveness at all but kind of admitting to some minimazation of your trauma, you know?

I don't see myself forgiving my abuser. He did it, knew he was doing-did not care. I've gotten to the point where the anger and hurt no longer eat me alive-time, therapy and healing. I seriously don't have the energy at the moment to get into forgiveness too much, although am giving the concept a shot on another level. It's whatever feels kind to yourself, whatever works for you-you're the one who matters, not one other person with this. Other's expectations mean zero, as Heather said much better than I am!

Do take care, and be kind to yourself.

Anni

 

[Reclusive]

I understand why what happened happened. I'm aware of the culture that created a situation where their behavior was acceptable - even warranted. I can sympathize with them. But I'm not sure that's the same as forgiveness. I still can't discuss it, say their names, even think about the others without getting mad. It's so wrong and someone should be held accountable. But they won't be, and I know that, and I accept it. But I still don't think that's forgiveness.

 

[Rob_Dog19]

God I wish I had teh courage to stand up for myself like that...but I don't think I could handle it

 

[Kintsugi]

magine if you have done something wrong and you say, I am sorry and someone says I forgive you.

I think I have a general issue with forgiveness. When people tell me they are sorry for something that actually bothered me, at least to the point that their apology is not merely habitual (sorry I tapped against your elbow), I almost never say "I forgive you" unless it was really accidental. Like, a friend of mine joking about/making light of rape thoughtlessly and then having me stare them dead in the eyes. Usually I just say, "Don't ever do that again" and move on. That's not forgiveness. That's a warning.

 

[Kb3]

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to vote and discuss forgiveness. It has helped me a lot and I appreciate all of your viewpoints.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not pursuing the concept of forgiveness for my abusers at this time.

Forgiveness is for people who show remorse and make ammends. My abusers have done neither, and are therefore not worthy of my or anyone else's forgiveness.

What I will pursue is letting go of the anger I feel toward them. I will work on allowing myself to be at peace with both what they did to me in the moment that they hurt me, as well as with the lifelong physical and emotional difficulties that their continued cruelty and selfishness have left me with.

The only person who is deserving of forgiveness and support in this situation is me, and that is where I will direct my energies.

 

[Srain]

What was done to me was calculated, illegal, physically, and emotionally abusive. Not something just wrong. Forgiving these people wouldn't mean a thing to them, they have no conscience. These incidents that have changed who and what I am have carved out my entire life. Once I began this journey "forgiveness" was completely out of the question despite the pressures of those around me insisting it was necessary for MY health. I had been using a workbook that let me know from the start that I need not forgive anyone- Whew! did that ever help me, I can't tell you!

I have to say at this time I chose "other" simply because now I find it all quite complicated. My father is dead, my other abusers probably are too, but my mother is not and I'm not quite sure what's going on with that. There is a HUGE part of me that is completely shut down right now about her. It's been a long road with so many aches and pains from her I can think in terms of black and white right now. She is up there in age, not that it matters, but I don't know how to feel about it because I don't know what her deal is and not sure how damaged I am because of her doing but I suspect pretty damned damaged at this point, I'm just not able to face it just yet. When all is said and done I doubt forgiveness will make any difference, taking care of me will.

I think forgiveness is an extremely personal thing but certainly not necessary to recovery.

 

[bittersweet]

I chose, " No, I would never consider it"

I am never one to hold a grudge or not forgive someone if they admit to their wrong doing but in this particular case where the person has forever changed me in a negative way and as a result wound up with PSTD that not only effects me but my loved ones around me I can't let that be forgiven. The way I look at it is that the old/true me is now dead. The old me can never be brought back. So how does one forgive a murderer? He doesn't deserve the satisfaction of being forgiven for something he still feels isn't anything wrong.

 

[kimba]

It depends upon who did what. I have not forgiven the scum who sexually abused me because he took so much I still haven't gotten back. I did forgive my parents for their emotional and physical abuse because of their own circumstances and the alcoholism involved. It doesn't mean I am done dealing with it, but I need to start somewhere and holding on to so much anger wasn't helping things.

 

[AliveInside]

I'm trying, it's just not easy. This is the test of my manhood and my humanity. To have the humility and strength to forgive all those people. I'm closer to yes, but it's not yes yet.

 

[NIKI]

I connect forgiving someone who has hurt me as saying, "Oh, that's ok that you did that to me." Letting them off the hook so to say. My husband says I have to forgive to be able to move on. But I just don't get it.:confused: