Relationship Waiting

[Tammie]

Thanks Angus. I never ever thought I would be faced with something so true and feels so right and gets toppled over in the most INSANE way. It would be one thing if we were two right thinking individuals that discussed the end of our relationship together, but that isn't what happened and I don't feel that I have to end US.. I do have to grieve the end of what our relationship turned into-but I can't say goodbye to our potential. It is crazy .. Good Luck to you and your family, too.. She is real lucky to have someone so understanding and supportive!!

 

[Tammie]

In my situation it is more of him being embarrassed over his actions..

I have said that the positives in our relationship far exceed any embarrassment that he may feel (and he has said I am the only positive in his life). Have told him to take all the time he needs, that I will check in occasionally (like once a week), that I love and miss him. Funny thing is..I am scared to death that I said the wrong thing.

I have never been a needy girl, but I have totally backed off now. Still, I worried that I said the wrong thing. This whole thing just SUCKS and I hate it so much. I wish he was a jerk and I could just say the hell with it...but I can't do it.

Trying so hard not to add to his stress or to pressure him. He insists that his isolatiing has nothing to do wiht me..and I said OK then...let me know if I can do anything to help you. Still, I second guess myself.

Again I say...this SUCKS. I guess I should have faith...kinda hard to do though sometimes

OMG-Angelina-how great to be able to read and relate. I am not needy either-in fact I would say I am very strong, resilient, and now out of my own mind. I believe in my heart of hearts, that initial gut reaction-that we can get through this storm they call PTSD. The ironic thing is that like they say, "this isn't about you", we are the ones that are so impacted. It is places like this forum that help me stay vigilant and on course-I believe in us and I believe in him and I know when he gets the help he needs (and that goodness he is looking for help-not avoiding it)we can rebuild our great future!! God Bless you and good luck-obviously you are not alone.. he is very lucky to have you and he knows it.

 

[Angus McGee]

Itd be real easy to just walk away for both of us. But you and I just don't work that way. Love, for us, isn't temporary.

It is hard for our sufferers to realize that. However, in our attempt to comfort and support them, it's very easy to smother them, and actually cause them to sever ties. It tough, much like walking a high-wire.. Support and love, but not too much. Never push, but don't be complacent and apathetic either.

I believe that line is different for everyone. I hope you find the balance you need.

:)

 

[Tammie]

You got that right, Angus.. It is an individual choice, not one made easy.

I have such a tendency to own his stories and try to rescue him that I do actually push him away. I realize he has nothing to give me right now, because of his condition. I also know what it was like May 9, May 10 and I also know how he was for 9 years. I am continually learning where my balance is and trying to really understand that he just isn't there right now-he has too much to deal with emotionally-I am getting it.. It is his journey, his healing-like I told him last night-I only know how I am affected, I can't imagine what he is going through.

I will keep encouraging and supporting him, and also start focusing on myself and get me back.. Together we can forge through as two very capable and strong people who come together-not continue on our cycle of dependency on one another..

It is my faith that keeps me here and it will be my faith that allows me to grow old with this man and reflect on the times that we had to really grow and stay focused!! It will be our story and I am starting our next chapter!! Thanks for the words of encouragement..

<edited: no need to quote entire post directly preceding/above>

 

[wantstobe there]

I am concerned about the members who come here "waiting" for their Sufferer. Being rejected, being told that their PTSD Sufferer is not capable of a relationship and still hanging on to the possibility of anything short of a miracle.

If someone does not want to be with you, says so, does not contact you and you see them with a status of single it's not always PTSD and them having PTSD does not mean there is a really good chance they will change their minds.

I agree with you Nicolette, and I am very much from the "clear lines" school of thought. My thoughts were exactly what you say above. That's why when I hadn't heard from my chap in over a month and his profile reappeared on a dating website I asked him straight out what was going on. He did reply, to tell me he needed to chat to people with nostrings attached. Then, a couple of weeks later, I told him that I assumed that he had finished things with me and that I wouldn't see or hear from him again. PTSD or no PTSD it seemed the obvious reason for what he was doing. His response was to email me saying that I WAS going to hear from him again but that he needed time alone.

So I will respect that and assume that until I hear from him again, if I hear from him again, he is single. And he has had the respect to tell me that. But my choice is not be single myself, and wait. Perhaps that is naive, and shows a lack of self-worth...and self-confidence is something I have always had an issue with. But I am crazy about this chap, and two wrongs do not make a right. I choose to be here.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Nicolette - That was me for over a year - just hanging on and waiting. occasionally capturing glimpses of the old him which then would give me false hope. So desperate for a kind word or action - like a drug.

It took many many months of finaly realizing that:
#1 He is never coming home
#2 Knowing what I had to do to get what was left our family back together.
#3 Coming to terms that Yes I love and support him, but I need to take care of myself and our daughter.

But sometimes we need to go through that journey as well as our own realization that there is nothing left that we can do. It took awhile to no longer feel like I failed him - or even to keep blaming myself for giving up.

Believe me this was an extremely tough decision for me to make - millions of tears, counseling, tough love and such.... However. My daughter and I are in a much better place now.-

<edited Nicolette: paragraphing>

 

[valdoodle]

I keep returning to this post for perspective and each time I can see I am 'getting there'. It is now 4 months since he 'moved out' and I fell apart. Like Mockingbird I cried millions of tears and was so desperate for a kind word or action to give me some hope (also, like a drug). I don't know what happened but I survived... time maybe is a healer like they say. I am OK now. Detatched somehow. It feels a bit surreal but I am much happier, mentally healthier and looking after me.

I have cautiously planned a holiday to see my daughter who lives abroad, to just get away for a while and recover. (Though I do worry about how he will cope without support). Now he has offered to come with me - with his boundaries in place. I am sure other people here have this next issue... I can cope with my partner/ex partner. My family don't get it at all!! Not one bit of PTSD. They just see abusive relationship with me getting worn out. So, the holiday is not going to happen. It would be too stressful for me, never mind him!

I am going to talk to him tonight, honestly about it all. I will always be there for him and do love him but I don't want to do all that again. I need a break too. He is 47, I am sure he will cope.

 

[May1321]

I am sure other people here have this next issue... I can cope with my partner/ex partner. My family don't get it at all!! Not one bit of PTSD. They just see abusive relationship with me getting worn out.

I am going to talk to him tonight, honestly about it all. I will always be there for him and do love him but I don't want to do all that again. I need a break too.

I'm still lurking around the site, too, Valdoodle. Partly afraid of being seen as a hipocrite (sp?) here, too. I feel I've put up some very strong boundaries and have come a long way, but he keeps coming back and every time I lay down new "you better nots". I am tired of doing this with him. I want it to just stick, but now I'm afraid of going through it all again. My own therapist held up a very gruesome mirror for me last night showing me that I'm doing exactly what I set out NOT to do. Yet then I leave and talk to his friends that knew him before he went to Iraq and when he first returned and say he's come a really really long ways, and whatever he's going through, he does love me.

I think the best we can do is work on ourselves and not worry about what everyone else thinks and just base it off of "how do I feel?".... and work from there and with our partner/sufferer/friend. Getting everything out in the open has been the hardest and ugliest journey and now that everything is exposed, we are left to pick up the pieces. And now, even though it is up to him to be the better man he's promised to be, trust is crushed. No one else can make the decision for me and it just makes things more complicated when everyone offers their opinions because they aren't living this life. I am.

I'm sorry you felt you needed to cancel your holiday but I totally get it. Good luck to you in piecing it back together but just worry about you and your feelings. No one's but yours count. Sending you my biggest ((((HUGS))))

 

[Nicolette]

I'm still lurking around the site, too, Valdoodle. Partly afraid of being seen as a hipocrite (sp?) here, too. I feel I've put up some very strong boundaries and have come a long way, but he keeps coming back and every time I lay down new "you better nots".

No one is judging you May1321 nor you Valdoodle. No-one is saying this is what is right for you either. It is just a generalisation and there will always be exceptions to the norm. As long as you have your eyes wide open and your head screwed on right, taking responsibility for yourself and he consequences, well so be it. We will support you as much as we see fit which will vary from individual to individual.

You're still welcome here May1321 so please feel free to not have to "lurk". :)

 

[LAA]

"Itd be real easy to just walk away for both of us. But you and I just don't work that way. Love, for us, isn't temporary."

Angus, this really struck me as I have often said to D that when you love someone, you don't just throw them out of your heart and life because they are broken. To me, that is not the way love is. I didn't do it with my Autistic son and I tell D I won't do that with him. D is free to do what he will with that, it is his choice how he responds and I try to remember it is no reflection on me or my philosophy.

We do have limits set, however. D knows I will love and support him. But he has his end to hold up as well and for us that is his continuing his treatment, meds. etc and not giving up. He also knows that just like in a "normal" (whatever that is) relationship, certain things are never acceptable; lying, cheating, abuse. When things are bad, the limits can at times be pushed, but D knows that continual "bad" behavior" isn't helpful to either of us and he is usually able to somewhat rein it in or seperate himself for a bit. Thus far in going on 7 years together and 3 of serious PTSD issues, he has always been able to express his thanks and love after we survive storms.

All that said, obviously every couple and every relationship is different. That is what makes all of this so difficult. There isn't one set way that we can be advised to handle all things PTSD(supporters or sufferers). And , yes, we can get a lot of unwanted advise from people who have no clue. There are family members and friends that cannot understand that I now have little contact with. I have to protect myself from the extra stress they bring.

Basically I had to become comfortable in my own mind with how I was going to handle things...I've also learned I can't be as rigid as my personality usually is. This is all so fluid, ever-changing. In the end, we have to do what is best for ourselves first. If we stay yet are broken and resentful for it, we will do no one any good. We will cause everyone around us more harm really. ( I remember that from growing up with a mentally ill mother to whom martyrdom was/is an art form.) :rolleyes:

Hugs to all that need them right now!!! (Probably means all of us)

 

[valdoodle]

May, thank you for your post and Nicolette for the reassurance and keeping my eyes wide open and head screwed on!! I like that!

I identified with a lot of what you say May, probably because my partner was ex Falklands and had a terrible time there ...and worse when he got home. He didn't know what was wrong with him for 10 years. I desperately wish I had managed our 14 years together with the knowledge and understanding we both seem to have now (but we totally didn't - we didn't know what to do in the early days).

Looking back, 4 months apart has been good for us both, though I didn't know we needed it at the time. We did talk yesterday, (it is a new one for us that we honestly say what we want and not what will keep the fragile peace if you understand? ).

I have decided to go on holiday on my own for 14 days to visit my daughter, abroad. I think I need to do this. He has left me on my own for 4 desperate months, why would I wait around incase he needs me. (though, if I am honest, I secretly feel I should). It definitely isn't rational.

The difficult thing for me is I know him so well, I can read situations where things are going wrong, I try to remove the stress, (Is this supporting PTSD or the co-dependant thing?). He is a survivor though, loved by everyone who knows him, and I hope he will cope well. I/we just haven't done this before.

 

[Magdalene]

I had the realization that other day that I didn't stay (except for twenty-five years) with my ex who had ptsd from incest complicated by other mental health issues, so why do i think it is "true love" (do I mean noble?) to stay with my current man despite the pain of PTSD, his caused by war and complicated by 'mother' issues.

I told myself the difference is this man is actually nice to me. That makes a difference.

And I try not to think too hard about why it is that I am again knocking on a door to a place I don't get let into often enough. Does it matter that it's a door to a better place or does it matter that here I am again, knocking at a door more often than laying in a man's arms?

Did I really meet the world's most incredible man (for me) this time, which is how it seems to me, because I admire this man and value his insights and humour and am attracted to him like I have never experienced, ever

or do I just really like doors?