News Coming Out - Debate

[Oberons Wife]

How do I tell my teenage son? How would a child react to knowing his mother was abused as a child and young adult. I'm very scared of what his response might be. When I've told 'partners' in the past they sometimes get very angry and I disappear as quick as a flash. Sometimes they refuse point blank to hear it and say 'you need to discuss that with a councellor, I don't want to hear it', but how do you have a relationship with someone and only present the veneer of yourself, hiding the thoughts that pervade (waaay too much of) the day?

 

[Nicolette]

My son knows of some of my abuse by either experiencing situations with my parents or seeing me after being assaulted.

The key in my opinion is to give enough information for them to gather an understanding but not enough to frighten or worry them. The facts are what I used eg. I was mistreated by my parents & funnily enough after one holiday with them he saw an insight into the psychological abuse and asked to never go there again. This was a good sign in that he knew it wasn't right and he told me about it :D

As for adult abuse - I told my son that with every new relationship a person is always on their best behavior and only time reveals who they truly are. Some people are good and others are bad.

Answer questions with the least amount of information to quell the curiosity without upsetting them.

That's just my opinion.

 

[Oberons Wife]

Thank you, I shall mull this over with care, well done you for negotiating such situations so well

 

[ms spock]

but how do you have a relationship with someone and only present the veneer of yourself, hiding the thoughts that pervade (waaay too much of) the day?

I put on a big mask. I have since I was a child. Sometimes I wonder if there is any one left under the mask.
ms spock

 

[Oberons Wife]

I was only able to even consider taking the mask off by moving 500 miles away from my birth family. Now I'm in a state of flux: on/off/on/off. I fight the times I have to STICK it back on again. I have to spend a working day next month with the owner of a football team. One on his players has just been found guilty of Grievious Bodily Harm and Sexual Assault of a young woman. The Team have chosen to do nothing by way of disciplining the player. Will I be polite and charming all day and pretend I haven't read the papers?. Will I tell him what I really think?. Will I let thoughts into my head which make me burst into tears infront of him? We'll see.

 

[Nicolette]

I put on a big mask. I have since I was a child. Sometimes I wonder if there is any one left under the mask.

I think the best relationships are where you actually remove the mask and reveal who you are and find whether that person fits with the true you and not the masked person.

You are right about the mask too Ms Spock... the longer it stays on the harder it is to find yourself - the same as building brick walls around you. :rolleyes:

 

[Zipperhead]

I have told a few people about what's going on. But for the most part, they are people I didn't know. Whether they are people I met on line, or people at the clinic, they are not people I would normally deal with in everyday life. And yet, I did tell one person. I don't know why. I guess I figured that if the rumour started I wouldn't have to tell. And yet no one seems to know. I guess it might be time to trust again.

 

[ms spock]

I was only able to even consider taking the mask off by moving 500 miles away from my birth family. Now I'm in a state of flux: on/off/on/off. I fight the times I have to STICK it back on again. I have to spend a working day next month with the owner of a football team. One on his players has just been found guilty of Grievious Bodily Harm and Sexual Assault of a young woman. The Team have chosen to do nothing by way of disciplining the player. Will I be polite and charming all day and pretend I haven't read the papers?. Will I tell him what I really think?. Will I let thoughts into my head which make me burst into tears infront of him? We'll see.

Gosh that is tough. A very tough situation.

I don't know what to type, except make sure you are safe during the time you are there. Can you take someone with you? It doesn't sound like a safe workplace to me.

*creases forehead in concerned worry*

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I think the best relationships are where you actually remove the mask and reveal who you are and find whether that person fits with the true you and not the masked person.

You are right about the mask too Ms Spock... the longer it stays on the harder it is to find yourself - the same as building brick walls around you. :rolleyes:

I am so grief filled over the loss of my family, which I am able to type about alot and talk about at times. If I let go of the mask I might just be a big jelly ball of wobbling grief and sadness lying on the ground wobbly and icky all on the ground.

I am a person who tends to wear her heart on her sleeve in some ways. I don't know. I am confused.

It is my grief and I have to deal with it. No magical family is going to come and take that pain away. (I am currently unhappy about the lack of magical families.) So I have to be with that pain and process it and hope that it will end and one day I will either be like I am and accept it or move ahead in to some thing else (which god damn it is also a bit scary.

I am not so against the brick walls today either. But I am a tad no the negative side today Nicolette.

*grumbles, moans, shakes fists at deities, past and present, sulks, looks cross*

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I have told a few people about what's going on. But for the most part, they are people I didn't know. Whether they are people I met on line, or people at the clinic, they are not people I would normally deal with in everyday life. And yet, I did tell one person. I don't know why. I guess I figured that if the rumour started I wouldn't have to tell. And yet no one seems to know. I guess it might be time to trust again.

Anthony has some good checking devices about trust and truth. I am thinking that you chose someone good to tell. Maybe that is all you need for now. I can go from trusting no one to being trusting to every one - not so good. But you are probably much more sensible than I am.

Very brave to tell some one.
ms spock

 

[ClairBear226]

I think the best relationships are where you actually remove the mask and reveal who you are and find whether that person fits with the true you and not the masked person.

It can be really tough to do that though, can't it? That whole trusting thing in book, completely sucks.

My kids (25, 23, 9) mostly know the bare bones basics. The 25 year old remembers a few things, the 23 year old doesn't, and the baby just knows that Mommy had some really hard things happen in her life before she met Daddy, and it makes it hard sometimes. I guess I've responded the way I would about other sensitive subjects. Keep the answers as short as what will satisfy their curiosity, and age appropriate. Honestly, even my husband only knows the Reader's Digest version of m ost things.

 

[Oberons Wife]

It is my grief and I have to deal with it. No magical family is going to come and take that pain away. (I am currently unhappy about the lack of magical families.) So I have to be with that pain and process it and hope that it will end and one day I will either be like I am and accept it or move ahead in to some thing else (which god damn it is also a bit scary.

(How do you do that quoting someone else thingy?)

This is something I struggle with. The socially idealized family unit v Then my birth family.

When it leaked out into the small town where I live that we were having to use an injunction to keep a paedophile away from my son, strangers knocked on my door saying ' I've heard about your situation and I'm losing sleep over you. Please let me make your gate more secure.' and of course some offers to kill the paedophile. But my family never offered any support at all.

But it helps to know there are some caring people out there.

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