General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[nvgirl]

I found a lot of insight on this forum - thank you to all.

I feel like I'm petty in comparison to some - Iknow that we have our own individual stories, but at this point, I just don't know what my role is right now.
Background - my boyfriend had a serious episode a few weeks back. I don't know specific details, but he has been disconnected ever since. Since, things seemed to be getting a little better - although the emotion wasn't there from him and he hasn't been interested in much of anything...
As of right now - it's been 3 days since we've spoken, text, had any communication. We've never gone this long without communicating and although I have tried to reach out, asked if he's ok, etc... I have received NO response.
What is my next step? I'm not one who just goes to someone's house unannounced, I don't know what I'd be walking into if I did. But do I do that??
I left a voicemail and a text asking him to just tell me if he's ok - but I haven't heard anything.

Please - someone give me some advice.

As much as I feel that this is unfair to me, I also know that I didn't do anything wrong (outside of request to spend time w/ him). I am trying to justify it and tell myself that it may be that he's not able to communicate with me, he may not be able to send me a simple, "I'm ok" text... Instead of my mind going wild and thinking that something is wrong.
We've had a great relationship - he knows that i care so much for him, so i can't think that he would just walk away - - - - right???

Ugh - I'm sorry - just a little freaked out.

 

[Kimmikins]

Again...WOW!!! This is my first day here and I am already getting such great advice!!
It took me a while to recognize that the things I was witnessing had nothing to do with me, but were simply the disease rearing its head. Reading this list just helps to confirm that my loved one and I are not alone as we continue to work through these issues.

 

[Bo1]

Isn't anyone else angry?????

I am and I know that it's not good for my sister. She hurts my feelings for trying to help her. She accuses me of not ever being able to have a light hearted conversation even though she is the one who brings up the subject matter. Yes, I am mad/hurt.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hello Linda
Sometimes this is something we struggle with - having a light hearted conversation. It depends on what frame of mind the other person is in, doesn't it? When my hubby is tired and I mean only a couple of hours sleep for weeks tired then it's impossible to have a light hearted conversation because he has so much to deal with in his head. At times like this he finds it impossible to concentrate on anything much and you might call this shut down mode. (He can't even decide between A or B what he wants for dinner.) I've found myself feeling angry/frustrated. It takes buckets full of patience whilst learning about PTSD and not taking it personally to overcome those negative feelings. When his fog clears a bit and mood becomes lighter then it's easier to share.

We're all learning but I hope this helps you a little bit.

<edited Nicolette: no need to quote entire post directly preceding reply.>

 

[Bo1]

TY Ladyhope. It feels good just to have someone understand. I really know nothing about PTSD except the basics and she also has trauma bonding/stockholm syndrome. So it's even more confusing for her and me as her carer. Our Mom lives with us too. My poor husband... ;) Mom was abused for all 50 years of their marriage. He died 2 years ago. Mom has never been a nurturer and so I feel I am my sister's sister, husband, mother and father all into just me. I feel at my wits end right now, so I apologize if I am posting a lot. I also am usually very understanding of my sister's plight. But the past 2 weeks it seems we can't have one conversation without it blowing up. I accept blame to, so please don't get me wrong. I am definitely under qualified here.

 

[Jim Stavros]

Good stuff...as I learned so much in my short time here...already has helped me and her....

 

[Jim Stavros]

Dear Nicolette,
Thank you for this thread. I am new to the site but already see a big improvement in my understanding of what my BF is going through. I have seen one interesting thinking pattern in him and it is
1. He can not make plans and sees his life without a future.
2. Asking him to look at that thinking and see if actually it is reasonable seems to baffle him but he tries.
3. He can not trust that anyone will stick around if he shows them his DEMON side as he calls it. Therefore
4. He withdraws without apparent reason (he has a reason but I have no idea what it is) to protect me from seeing this monster he lives with.
5. This also protects him from his potential pain if I were to abandon him (and he thinks I will if I saw how vile he really is....If I saw his monster) .

Well thank you very much.
Malibran

Malibran,
My friend says the same things...and I am trying to deal with it. hang in there!

 

[Jim Stavros]

1. Blame is a waste of time and resources. It is not your fault, it is not our fault, it just is.
2. We are are thankful that you are trying to help us, even though we may never admit it.
3. We all want to get better, but sometimes we are not yet ready to get better. It is a painful and time consuming process.
4. We frequently will withdraw from the entire world and try to escape reality. Sometimes we do this b/c we are overwhelmed by the pain and need a reminder that good things exist.
5. Flash backs are miserable and recovery may take longer than expected. The best way I can describe it as a bad acid trip and a concussion all in one.
6. It may seem to the outside world that we are just wasting time. This is b/c we are trying to do inner work that the outside world cannot see or quantify.
7. When triggered we may do things that we have little or no control over and may not remember. Please protect yourself during these times, we do not want to hurt you.
8. Regardless of what we may say, you have a right to walk away. We may be hurt, we might make threats, but it is not your responsibility to bear this burden for us. Eventually, when we are better, we will probably understand that you did the right thing.
9. It may seem to you that we are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Please remember that perspective is everything. A mole hill is a mountain if you are an ant.
10. If the trauma happened during childhood, you may not always be dealing with a grown up. We may have adult bodies, but our minds and emotions may be that of a small child. Please understand that when that is the case, some adult activities and responsibilities are not appropriate for us until we get back to our adult selves.

Yes TY Liz really good post esp. #10 she often says she has been told she has the mind of a child

<edited Nicolette: no need to quote entire post thank you - only relevant section>

 

[Jim Stavros]

I'm a bit troubled by whether saying those things are actually harmful or helpful. I too am intermittently telling my love these things, and I do not get a response either, however I do think there's more good than harm. I'm going to provide two perspectives:

Unhelpful
- The person may feel pressured (more stressed) and it pushes them away.
- The person is unable to reciprocate, and it hurts both of them, causing more stress.

Helpful
- The person feels appreciation that someone cares, even in the hardest moments.
- The person doesn't feel abandoned or ignored, and recognizes that someone does love and care.

I'd love to hear perspectives from sufferers as to whether they prefer to hear words of appreciation from time to time, or if they would rather be left completely alone for long periods of time. What would ultimately help more in the long run?

I agree I am trying to cope with the same issues...Great post!

 

[Laura]

I think it depends on the situation. If we are mad and we know we are going to have a rage fit then it is best to stay away for awhile. However, if the person is crying (I have crying spells), which might be my depression, I need comforted and told good things, because it actually eventually gets me to snap out of crying. I think it depends on why they are wanting the distance and their personality, too.

<Quote of quote above reply removed by Amethist>

 

[MsPositive40]

As someone who has been on both sides of the looking glass I would like to add the following:

1. Blame is a waste of time and resources. It is not your fault, it is not our fault, it just is.
2. We are are thankful that you are trying to help us, even though we may never admit it.
3. We all want to get better, but sometimes we are not yet ready to get better. It is a painful and time consuming process.
4. We frequently will withdraw from the entire world and try to escape reality. Sometimes we do this b/c we are overwhelmed by the pain and need a reminder that good things exist.
5. Flash backs are miserable and recovery may take longer than expected. The best way I can describe it as a bad acid trip and a concussion all in one.
6. It may seem to the outside world that we are just wasting time. This is b/c we are trying to do inner work that the outside world cannot see or quantify.
7. When triggered we may do things that we have little or no control over and may not remember. Please protect yourself during these times, we do not want to hurt you.
8. Regardless of what we may say, you have a right to walk away. We may be hurt, we might make threats, but it is not your responsibility to bear this burden for us. Eventually, when we are better, we will probably understand that you did the right thing.
9. It may seem to you that we are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Please remember that perspective is everything. A mole hill is a mountain if you are an ant.
10. If the trauma happened during childhood, you may not always be dealing with a grown up. We may have adult bodies, but our minds and emotions may be that of a small child. Please understand that when that is the case, some adult activities and responsibilities are not appropriate for us until we get back to our adult selves.

Thank you all for the sacrifices you have made in trying to help us. I know it is very difficult for you, and I am grateful that you are there.

Wow that was a wonderful post Liz.

Thank you so much, I am learning so much from this site. It gives me the strength to keep going. I am not the one with PTSD its my now ex. That I miss and love so much!

Trying to keep strong :)

<edited Nicolette: no need to quote entire post thank you>

 

[MsPositive40]

Wow, this is me to a tee! I give of myself all the time, but have such a hard time showing and receiving love and I'm just waiting for my husband to get fed up and leave. I WANT to be present, I WANT him to know I love him (so very much!), but I just can't seem to get that close and when I do, it's short lived.

Once again, you carers are incredible! You put up with so much from us sufferers and a lot of the time don't get much in return, how do you do it?

Because we love you unconditionally :inlove: