Vigilance Is A Guard On The Wall Of Traumatic Memory

[BloomInWinter]

(((((gizmo)))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

I've been hypervigilant off and on for weeks.

It has let down a few times in my sleep.

...and I am learning to just 'go with it' when it's there, knowing there's something that has triggered me into guard duty and hoping that I'll be allowed to take a break or be relieved from shift-duty on that wall before the urge to self-medicate or destruct kicks in.

But it's been close...oh, so close at times.

I had the most bizarre experience yesterday towards morning...I don't know if I was awake or not. But for the first time in almost 3 decades, I was able to 'walk' through my childhood home and see the rooms, and the colors, and the furniture, walls...all empty of people. Safe. Nobody yelling. All the guns piled up behind the door.

All the ammo in the cabinet up above. Unlocked.

Ugh. That bizarro world I grew up in...it just gave me a raging headache to relate about the guns.

 

[CraftyCath]

((((((((Bloom))))))))

I haven't been to this thread for a while but I'm glad I dropped in.

I have discovered that my hyervigilance is worse on the approach to and during holidays (Easter, Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries). I just can't handle the falseness of family at this time. Also, I 'look' for the people who have hurt me whenever I go to a place I associate with them. I 'see' them all over the place and know it is just my paranoia. Only, sometimes that person does show up and then I'm up the creek without my paddle! I was relaxing somewhere and completely off guard when someone walked in and I freaked out completely! Now I just keep the vigilance on a slow simmer when I'm out so at least I can be a bit prepared. Maybe one day I'll not need that defense at all.

I also woke up from a dream the other week. I was dreaming that I was in my old room at home and when I woke up I couldn't understand why the bedroom door had moved, why it was in the side wall and not in front of me. It took me a while to realise where I was and I was left feeling shaken and scared.

 

[TeddySue]

I get so disassociated sometimes it frightens me how much of my day I'm on 'automatic pilot' before I realize it.

You've just explained to me what the D word means! Automatic pilot... Yes, that's what I do when I read for HOURS; or am on the computer reading or posting for hours! I never thought that D was anything positive, but to me, it is. Thank you for that enlightenment.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The vigilance is burning me into a crispy critter once again. It is not even letting up in my sleep.

Can't wait for some kinda relief.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Automatic pilot-
me setting the table and clearing it off before anyone has eaten. I am full of things like that.
I try to keep my mind busy doing something at all times. I do not relax well. So I guess that is the hypervigilence thing. Interesting topic.

 

[TeddySue]

And I thought these things were old age; maybe they just get worse with old age? Thanks for the topic.
Keeping my mind busy usually turns into OCD, which I do not feel is all bad.

 

[CraftyCath]

It is not even letting up in my sleep

I had the most terrible nightmare last night. It was about someone who had hurt me but in the dream I was constantly on the alert, waiting for her to have a go at me. Al kinds of things were going on but I felt detached. It is true Bloom, not even in our sleep do we get any peace.

I was listening to a song today. It was Stay (Far Away So Close) by U2 and it said this:

Dressed up like a car crash
Your wheels are turning but you're upside down
You say when he hits you, you don't mind
Because when he hurts you, you feel alive
Hey babe, is that what it is

I realised that always being on guard and having emotional pain is all I've known. When it isn't there I feel freaked out, unsure and confused. I don't want it but I'm scared of not having it.

My next step is to feel alive without it, not relying on how the pain makes me feel. I wonder what that will be like?

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((CraftyCath))))

Exactly.

I wonder why we can't even have peace in our sleep.

 

[CraftyCath]

I think stuff comes out of our subconscious mind when we sleep. Often, with me, it is a load of nonsense and at other times frightening and meaningful. Added stress during the day that overflows the PTSD cup comes out in my sleep. I hate it.

Last night I dreamed about my parents (who are both dead)and the dream was very confusing. I couldn't remember the details when I woke up but I remember dreaming that I had dropped something heavy on my pet bird and killed her by accident. I woke up trembling, soaked in sweat and feeling very sick. I sat up straight away and was completely alert. :eek:

It took me a good while to calm down and then I was frightened of going downstairs in case my bird was dead.:( She was tweeting away merrily when I checked her! :)

Still, I couldn't get it out of my mind when I did the shopping and walked round the supermarket in a daze. If anyone had approached me I would have jumped out of my skin!

So now I've got hypervigilance in my sleep spilling over into the next day! It seems to be a circle, day time stress and vigilance = night time stress and vigilance which spills over into the next day causing more stress and vigilance!!!!!!!

Oh for a dreamless sleep!

 

[TeddySue]

Last night I dreamed about my parents (who are both dead)and the dream was very confusing.

Both of my parents are dead, too. I remember, as a young woman about 21 years old, having disturbing dreams about my parents. We were on a cloud up high, and it was my responsibility to keep them from falling off. The stress was huge in the dream, and when I woke up I immediately went to a pay phone and called them. I was sobbing and asking them if they were all right.

All my life, until they died, I was made to believe it was my responsibility to keep them safe and happy. I was on call 24/7 for whatever problem they had; forcing myself to drop whatever my family needed and rush to their side to find out what i could do to make things better. At the time, it just seemed like the right thing to do.

The Catholic Church says that if they are given a child until the age of 5, that child will grow up to be a Catholic. I truly believe that I was indoctrinated to be responsible for my so-called parents for the rest of their lives, and I was.

 

[CraftyCath]

((((((TeddySue))))))

I was raised Catholic too. I then went to Anglican and pentecostal churches but have broken free of all the control and abuse I suffered. I know some people have positive experiences with religion but all I got was people trying to control me and change me.

I'm finally free of it. I still believe in and love God but I don't do church or ritual.

That is one constant stress that I do not miss. Having to go to a church triggers me something terrible and I'm on the alert all the time in case someone tries to get their hooks in me. It's funny, you'd think it was my paranoia talking but it happens so frequently that now I just stay away.

I feel so much better for it!