My Dad Has Ptsd. I Am The Scapegoat For His Problems.

[cactusjuice]

Hello, my name is Brandon. I am 19 years old and I have been having an ongoing issue with my father.

First, some background. When my dad was a child, his father forced the sport of swimming upon him. Instead of playing with the other kids, he was forced to swim in a pool. My dad did not want to do this, and every time he defied his father, he slammed down the clipboard and gave my dad an enormous guilt-trip. Mind you, my father was an amazing swimmer and made many records (almost made it to the Olympics once), but he was not happy at all. Both he and his doctor both believe that this trauma caused PTSD.

I have always been a huge computer-buff. I love everything about computers from the hardware to the software that runs them. I build computers, repair computers, tweak them to perform games better, and have even dabbled in some programming. You could say that computers are my hobby.

Due to my father's PTSD, lyme disease, and depression, he isn't as fun to be around as he used to be. Instead of heading out somewhere to do something for a day, he sleeps, drinks beer, and smokes weed. When he wakes up from his mid-day slumbers, he expects every minute to be dedicated to him, and that any moment not spent with him is time wasted.

My parents are divorced, and I get to see my dad three days out of the week. He wants those three days to be spent with him, which is the way it should be, and the way it is...but he doesn't always see it that way. He believes that my love for the computer is in fact, an unhealthy, obscene addiction. To make him feel better about himself, he implants within his mind a lie: that I am the one who is mentally sick, and not him.

He has recently told me that my "addiction" to the computer is making me a social outcast, that I have no social life. He says that my lack of desire to be around people is a mental disease, brought about by my computer. This imagined deceit is blinding him from the fact that he is the one who is ill, and that I am perfectly normal. This ignorance is also the reason why he won't recover, and why I ultimately am disgusted to be around him.

Two weeks ago, I was spending my Saturday morning relaxing on the computer after the stresses of a 40-hour work week. My dad had a breakdown. He said that if I want to continue living there on the weekends, I would have to pay $20 a week because "the computer uses too much electricity and nothing ever gets done around here". He obviously doesn't realize that I am the one that picks up his slack and has the entire kitchen cleaned for him each week. I immediately took him up on his offer, packed up my things, and left. He claims that I abandoned him; I did no such thing. He said it was fine if I left so I did, and gladly.

Last week he sent my mother an email saying that he is fed up with my computer use and that I should take some online tests to see if I am addicted to the computer. I took only one of them, an "Internet Addiction" test, and scored between 0 and 19; "Your internet usage is not affecting your life".

About an hour ago I left a message on his answering machine telling him how I feel and that I will not be coming to his house this weekend. I am not putting my happiness and sanity into jeopardy by visiting him if I am going to be harassed.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to proceed further???

 

[Audreeeey]

Hey, first of all I just wanted to say that you are taking a step in the right direction in getting support for this. Yay :)

I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a roommate who had PTSD due to abuse during childhood, as well as bipolar disorder and a form of psychosis. All my free time was devoted to helping her get her life in check (even though I had myself gone on medical leave from work because of PTSD and depression) and of course, nothing ever worked. Eventually, like your father, she started blaming me for everything going wrong in her life, and started accusing me of being severely mentally ill because I would "constantly fail" while trying to help her (the reality was I was mentally ill because of a myriad of other factors, and she eventually contributed to them.) She emailed my parents and told them that she couldn't pay her share of rent because I had stolen all her money and I needed to be babysat, so she deserved for ME to pay HER. She would constantly call me at work, telling me I needed to go to a mental hospital. Meanwhile, I was the one being treated for depression, and she was refusing treatment for her clear manic states and delusions. One time she collapsed on the floor due to exhaustion (she was so manic that she had not slept in a week.) I took her to the ER where she proceeded to scream around the floor, go into other wards and steal medical equipment, and scream at nurses that I needed to be admitted to the psych ward, and that she needed her Adderall (she was addicted to it.)

In the end, for my own sanity, I had to completely separate myself from her. She had also ended up stealing up to $5000 from me, by hacking into my bank account and stealing some electrical equipment. It was a painful decision, as we had been close friends since we were 11 years old (at the time this all happened we were both 24.) I had a lot of guilt at first, but I realized that the more I let her control me and degrade me, the less I could function in my own life. I'm sure it may be hard to in some degree, temporarily separate yourself from your own father, but I think until he gets some kind of medical help, and stables out, you need to keep a bit of a distance. You were right to tell him you would not return to his house. Unfortunately for certain people like my roommate and possibly your father, reason and logic go completely out the door when it comes to maintaining relationships, and simply put, they are too ill to function. And its not our fault. You can still deeply care about him while letting him have his space.

 

[cactusjuice]

Audreeeey, thank you for the response.

It is reassuring to hear a testimonial from someone who has experienced the same things as me. I personally have no issues letting go of my father until he can get proper help. He actually told me today that I am not welcome back at his house until my attitude and behavior changes. It is really sad to see someone you love go out of their mind.

He is on medication for depression and lyme disease. He drinks 5-6 beers a day. He smokes quite a bit of marijuana to cope with the "stresses of life". I fear that the diseases, the lack of rational thinking, the alcohol, and drugs will never allow him to recover.

He needs to shape up or he is going to lose his son.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

First, some background. When my dad was a child, his father forced the sport of swimming upon him. Instead of playing with the other kids, he was forced to swim in a pool. My dad did not want to do this, and every time he defied his father, he slammed down the clipboard and gave my dad an enormous guilt-trip. Mind you, my father was an amazing swimmer and made many records (almost made it to the Olympics once), but he was not happy at all. Both he and his doctor both believe that this trauma caused PTSD.

IMHO...

Maybe there is something missing from the background of your father. But I can not see how this would cause PTSD. Traumatic events are usually sexual assault, seeing another person murderer, war...things that cause you to feel horror and fear for your life. I don't see how your father being forced to swim would met that.

Maybe I am missing something.

Take care.

 

[Audreeeey]

You're very welcome. And I am sorry, but I really disagree with Ayesha. A lot of people don't understand that PTSD can come from ANY form of trauma. The most common forms are of sexual assault, military experiences, etc...but I totally understand that your father was completely bullied by his own father as a child, and was forced into major amounts of guilt, shame, and was controlled. THAT CAUSES PTSD. In fact, I was diagnosed with PTSD and the major factors were workplace bullying. I have also been sexually assaulted, but both my therapist and I agree that the majority of my PTSD symptoms were due to being controlled and bullied in the workplace, and actually by this roommate that I described above. That is just so narrow minded.

I am sorry that your father has lost control and has self medicated. My roommate smoked a ridiculous amount of weed, but ultimately it was her addiction to amphetamine that made her go crazy. I myself am totally for the use of marijuana to control stress and sleeping, but sometimes it really can become out of control. I know that when I was in my absolute worse states, I would drink a ton of alcohol and smoke a ton of weed (and use benzos, which could have killed me) just to get rid of the pain every night. Sounds like your dad needs to re-evaluate his anti-depressants, and also get some psychotherapy.

 

[cactusjuice]

Maybe there is something missing from the background of your father. But I can not see how this would cause PTSD.

His entire childhood was ruined due to being forced to do something that he didn't want a part of. Due to the stress caused by this, he got involved with drugs and alcohol at an early age...14 or so.

 

[AzureMind]

Hey Brandon/CactusJuice!

Honestly man, I think it's cool that you dig computers the way you do man. Sounds to me like you've got a very, avid, and active interest in computers and even better yet, a career! I'd like to talk a little more about the computer stuff, 'cuz I'm a 'techie' too! Virtual fist pump man!! :D

Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead, and give you a HUGE thumbs up :tup: it's as huge as I can make it, so I'll chase it down with a :laugh: lol) for doing what you did with your dad. In his state of mind, he really can't dictate what is normal, or healthy for anyone else, and he needs help; having a 19 year old son, and choosing weed, beer, and any other coping mechanisms over you really only reflects what a sad state the man is in; I feel what you're going through because my dad is like that too man...I'm 4 years older, but my father could've gone pro, but he said he was tired of football, and for as long as I've known him, he's been an on-again-off-again cocaine, and beer guy...really nasty too.

Over the years, I went from loving him and thinking he was my HERO when I was young to really HATING his life, and almost killing him one time...and our relationship is UNSALVAGEABLE; I will never love him, or feel safe enough to be with him; the sad thing is, is he can't understand what cumulative effects his drug usage has had on me, and the other members of our family. As far as what it's done to me? I'm stuck with RAGE that I can't EVER express or show, and am not sure I know how to. It'll pop one day if I don't learn how to control/deal with it. I don't want my loved ones in my future to be hurt for that.

I don't want that for you and YOUR dad. I REALLY feel for you right now man, because I would've given anything to have a good dad; I'm thinking it's not too late for yours...and If you still have love in your heart for him, pray for him, (it keeps the anger out of your heart) and DEFINITELY set, and keep limits with him. You will not entertain him when he is in that state of mind, and does NOTHING to get better from it. You are a CHILD, he is the ADULT, and when these roles get reversed, EVERYONE feels the pain; you feel it when you want a dad around, and realize it's so close, but so far, and he feels it I'm sure when he thinks of his responsibility towards you and being unable to do what needs to be done for his son's well-being...

You did the right thing man, by leaving; he's in no state of mind at all to care for you unfortunately, and that gives him NO excuse to treat you the way he has. You need to be in a place where you can keep your sanity, because the last thing you want to do is to let yours fade away because you gave it to someone who isn't in their's.

 

[catjudo]

I am sorry, but I really disagree with Ayesha. A lot of people don't understand that PTSD can come from ANY form of trauma. The most common forms are of sexual assault, military experiences, etc...but I totally understand that your father was completely bullied by his own father as a child, and was forced into major amounts of guilt, shame, and was controlled.

Audreeeey--I think you are projecting some of your own issues into this conversation and making assumptions. Cactusjuice did not say that his father was bullied or shamed. He did state that his father was made to participate in a sport instead of playing with other children and that his father's father would give him a guilt trip if he didn't swim. This may or may not have escalated to the level of bullying, but he hasn't elaborated or stated that it did, so you can't really assume that. The facts as Cactusjuice has presented them so far, sound as though his father may not have had the happiest childhood, but that doesn't necessarily mean it was traumatic.

His entire childhood was ruined due to being forced to do something that he didn't want a part of. Due to the stress caused by this, he got involved with drugs and alcohol at an early age...14 or so.

Again, you're basically just saying that as a child he was forced to do something he didn't want to do. I agree that could be stressful...just not sure that it is necessarily traumatic. I force my child to do her homework even though she doesn't want to...that isn't trauma.

There may very well be other facts that haven't been presented, and that's okay. Your father may very well have PTSD. My point is just that Ayesha's confusion and question seems fairly reasonable given the information that is available.

 

[Audreeeey]

Audreeeey--I think you are projecting some of your own issues into this conversation and making assumptions.

I agree with you that I probably emphasized a bit given little detail, but in no way am I projecting my own feelings here.

Bottom line is: I really don't think that anybody should judge someone else's claim of PTSD. And that's what Ayesha did.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I really don't think that anybody should judge someone else's claim of PTSD. And that's what Ayesha did.

I am not judging his father's claim. I actually said...

Maybe there is something missing from the background of your father.

I believe that there is something that is not being said. Either because Brandon has not shared it or because he do not know the whole story himself.

Please do not jump to hasty conclusions.

 

[Audreeeey]

Unfortunately it definitely sounded that way. Please try to clarify things instead of writing something that someone may read as offensive. Saying, "I do not see how this can cause PTSD.", to someone who is dealing with someone with PTSD or someone who has it...not exactly smart.

 

[popeye]

Anyone else notice this post got way off course? I believe Ayesha was just saying that based on the limited info given on the father of Cactusjuice one cannot tell for sure if he has PTSD.

Regardless of that our friend here was asking for a bit of advice. I would say this much from living with PTSD myself and having argumentative people in my life, I would give him (dad) some time to calm down and evaluate his own current state of mind. Tell him how you feel and politely ask him to think about what he is doing to make the time spent with you enjoyable. I understand his want to be the center of attention as I sometimes want that as well. But he has to consider your feelings as well. Maybe for one visit you leave your computer at home or whatever and try to get him to engage in an activity you both enjoy. Like watching a baseball game on tv or whatever it is you two enjoy doing together. And if all else fails attempt to do something new with him. It sounds to me like you care deeply for him but are struggling with what to do at this point.