Terrible Anxiety About This Job

[GhostedGirl]

I recently became the editor of a weekly newspaper. I didn't mean to- I have no real interest in journalism, I'm an artist and I applied to become the ad designer. But the publisher decided I had "what it took" and promoted me within weeks. The paper was just starting out and honestly just think he didn't have anyone else.

On the surface it seems awesome. I have PTSD and I'm pregnant, so this is a job I can do from home. I can finally make a living wage working from home! This is what I thought I always wanted. On top of that the job is exceedingly easy, I read stories, run editorial meetings, and help the page designer for a few days over the week to organize and design the paper. Easy peesy!

But I have come to have so much anxiety over this job it's awful, and it all stems from my publisher. He's 51 (and I'm 27), he admits to be being ageist and often talks down to me, and is quite possibly one of the most obnoxious people I have ever dealt with. He's an insane micro-manager with no life, is smug, completely self centered, and talks SO much that no conversation- no matter how trivial- can take over an hour. I hate the way he talks to me, his tone of voice- his smug laugh EVERYTHING. He's the true embodiment of that douchebag boss from Office Space. Except he's a old hippie whose desperately trying to be hip.

I know some of this stems from my distrust of men. He often has said he feel very "paternal" toward the staff and I hate that so much. I'm an adult who was raised without a father- I don't need one now. He's also a Christian and I have trouble trusting Christians too. It's sad because he's not a bad guy- he really isn't. He's just a total douche by nature. He means well but he's so emotional draining on me that he makes me miserable. And being a micro-manager he insists on overseeing almost everything I do, being at all the meetings (where he spends most of the time derailing them while talks about himself) and I spend a lot of my time on the phone with him just listening to him talk at me while I get more and more angry and fed up.

Recently this has caused me so much anxiety that I feel like crying when I know I have to talk to him on the phone. Getting any point across involves becoming very frustrated and yelling at him like he's a kid. It seems to be the only way to get results is to treat him like he's 15. I'm realizing that my rage is getting more and more out of hand and I end up complaining endlessly to my poor boyfriend about it. My boyfriend who owns a bakery and works 16 hour days. Although he's always supportive I know he really doesn't want to hear me complain about my super easy job. And I feel terribly guilty about talking to him about it. It feels like word vomit though- I can't stop bitching about how rude or stupid or insulting my publisher was to me that day.

I don't want this job. I was so excited to finally have something I could do from home that could make me some substantial money (when your poor and on a budget, $800 a month is nothing to sniff at). I also know I'm about to be a mommy... I can't just up and leave a job because I don't like it. And I feel really guilty about wanting to leave... it would put more of a burden on my boyfriend who already works his butt off. Worst of all- I know it's more me than anything else. It's my PTSD and my anxiety that's making this situation so intolerable. And once again I find myself wishing I could just... get over it. :(

 

[cherryblossom]

That sounds really tough Magdelin, but I don't really know what to suggest.

Do other staff find him hard to deal with? He sounds like he could be quite irritating (with or with out PTSD!).

Do you think it's something you could discuss with him? Maybe explaining why you end up yelling at him? Could you ask him for a little less of the micro-management and more autonomy?

I don't know, it might turn out that this situation is intolerable for you, but I don't think you should just quit without trying to talk to him first. You said he's a decent enough bloke. Perhaps he is not used to having such a responsible job, being that this is a new publication, he probably feels a lot of pressure himself to make it work, hence his micro-management.

It's probably early days for all involved, and hopefully he will learn to trust your judgement and back off a little. But perhaps you could give him a shove in the right direction by telling him a little about how he makes you feel.

Are you seeing a therapist? If so, perhaps they can help you with ways to overcome your anxiety with this situation.

At the end of the day, your health is the most important thing, especially since you are pregnant. You need to do whatever is right for you.

Good luck :tup:

 

[GhostedGirl]

Thanks for your response, cherryblossom. I've already had several discussions with him about his behavior: intrusive questions, totally inappropriate comments and such. When I was around 3 months pregnant and still reeling from morning sickness he continually made comments like, "You know, you really need to go back to the gym." I eventually told him he was being rude and inappropriate and I never wanted him to say it again. He continued until I literally said, "No, stop. If you say it one more time I'm going to rip your face off." Now he only jokes about making comments about it. No amount of "you need to back off and let me do my job by myself" seems to work with him. He is always asking about my life and trying to push his personal stuff on me, like we're friends. I don't think I've hated someone this much in a long time. I get off the phone with him and just start yelling, "I WISH HE WERE DEAD." and the horrible thing is- I really do.

I feel so... hostile toward him. Like explosive, I can't just keep my mouth shut and let it go like if I was at work. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm never off work, because I work from home. I don't know...

 

[kers]

Have you discussed his behavior with HR? If he is not responding to your requests to stop with intrusive questions and comments, that is a good next step. Start documenting what he says so that you have a record of it.

I'm sorry he is making working hard for you :mad:

 

[GhostedGirl]

There is no HR to complain to, unfortunately. I answered the ad over craigslist originally, and it's just him publishing the paper. He also runs another free newspaper in town. He's an independent publisher so there is no HR. Technically I'm HR, lol, since I'm constantly having to mediate between him and the staff. One time we were interviewing a potential writer, and he asked what religion the guy was. "You can't ask him that!" I snapped at him. But he assured me in a condescending tone that because he had told the guy he was Christian, that he should have no problem telling us his beliefs.

Recently he has come to believe that one of our younger writers may have a drinking problem. I suspect this too, as I know she suffers from a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. We've been emailing back and forth a bit about it. Well since AA worked so well for him, he decided that SHE should go to AA. So he trying to push a story about Alcoholics Anonymous into the paper, and assign her to write it so she'll go to a meeting...

...I seriously lost my shit at him. I was so angry I was almost crying. He has no right to push his opinion on this girl, without talking to her about it, and under the guise of being part of her job. How DARE he do that!? It sent me into such a rage. So much of my trauma comes from my mother and brother being alcoholics, and AA utterly failed to help my mom do anything except tell her she's helpless without a higher power. But that's completely beside the point. We are her superiors and have NO RIGHT to intrude into her life without permission. And he whole time I was yelling at him he just kept talking to me in this tone like I was nuts. Like I was over-reacting and being crazy. I hate him more than I've hated anyone in a long, long time. It makes me sad to even think about it. :(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not know what to tell you except that you should quit this job. He sounds like a real jerk. And a very toxic one at that. I do not see his paper suceeding. I think he will drive everyone who works for him away. I know you were happy at first, but this is a no win situation.

The guy does not see or hear you. He needs alot of help. I wish you the best in what you choose. He is making you crazy. Good luck.

 

[kers]

UGH, what a tool. I understand better why you are in such a stuck place. I mean, you could look into small business labor laws (that's what covers harassment), but it's almost not worth a fight. Would it help you mentally to commit to this for the duration of the pregnancy and then look for something? You got this job, you're obviously a capable employee!

 

[GhostedGirl]

Boy, tonight was hard. I have been attempting to keep him distant by ignoring all intrusive questions about my life, as well as his constant baiting to get me to talk about his. Literally ignoring- as in not responding. I thought it was working and I've been able to get some work done. But tonight he kept pushing, trying to get me to talk by complimenting me on my article. I just kept ignoring and he says, "well, well, someone's a little cranky tonight." like I'm a child. Like I'm a god damn toddler. But I ignore it- I just want to get my work done.

As the meeting is wrapping up he mentions that we haven't talked about some business we were going to do this week. "I figured it wasn't the right time, I don't whats been going on with you but you seem really cranky all week- so whatever." I had to bite my tongue. I took his shit about my pregnancy weight, I took his sexist side comments about "back in the day". I've laughed it off as social retardation when he intrudes into my personal business. But after the shit he tried to pull on my staff writer this week- that AA article. After I yelled at him and said, "You have no right to invade her privacy like that!" now SOMETHING is making me "cranky", but whatever, he's glad to put up with my little tantrums.

Intrude, invade, push... I'm realizing I keep using these terms. I've had crappy jobs before, I've had terrible bosses who were total jerks. You just roll your eyes and think, "what an asshole." But this feels different. It feels personal and inescapable. Like I'm cornered by this man. I feel invaded and abused and I keep telling myself that it's just me. It's my trauma coloring my view of the situation. But I AM me... and only me, I've only got this one life and reasonable or not this guy is making me miserable. I keep thinking, "...does that count? Is that right?"

I got off the phone tonight with tears in my eyes, I just screamed at my poor boyfriend and sobbed. He cuddled me and said maybe it's time to leave. He hates seeing me this way, and is genuinely worried about me. He told me to quit... God, nothing would make me happier. And yet I am filled to the brim with shame. "We'll manage, don't worry sweetie, I can support us while you find something else." he says. I feel so guilty... the easiest job in the world and I've managed to find something unbearable about it. My mother's words are ringing in my ears. Sissy... whiner... burden. How could I do this to him? Force him to support me and our baby because I can;t take the heat of a job I do FROM HOME. God am I doing the right thing?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think this is more complicated than just taking the heat. This guy is really something. I think you have a baby inside of you that absorbs the stress you are currently going through.I hope you decide to quit this job. I know you love the job, but this guy is toxic and triggering to you.

He sounds like a bully too. Well that is just my thoughts and opinion. You do not have to take it, you can toss it in the trash. I am wishing you the best. Good luck.

 

[Whitneys story]

Magdalen, No job nor employer is worth your sanity. Let alone the health of your child! Toxic does not begin to explain his actions. Just my opinion from having been there! Hugs Whitney

 

[GhostedGirl]

I think you have a baby inside of you that absorbs the stress you are currently going through.I hope you decide to quit this job. I know you love the job, but this guy is toxic and triggering to you.

You're absolutely right. I quit last night. It was really scary and I haven't heard back from him yet, I'm expecting a lot of personal attacks and vitriol. But as I was trying to make a decision I realized, "this baby doesn't need my money as much as it needs me to be a healthy person." and I know in my heart that's true. I have been miserable and surviving trigger after trigger. And that is just no environment for a little one. So f*ck him and f*ck his job. My emotional well being is more important.

I still feel guilty and ashamed for quitting. But my boyfriend keeps assuring me that I have nothing to feel guilty about. I've been broke before, I can be broke again. I'd rather be broke and happy than financially secure and crying all the time.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I've been broke before, I can be broke again. I'd rather be broke and happy than financially secure and crying all the time.

I couldn't say it better myself. You have to take care of you, all of you, and that precious little one. It's hard being poor, but it's worth it if your family is safe and happy. I had to make a similar decision and as difficult as it's been with so little income, my children and I are closer and happier than we ever were when I was working in a volatile environment.