I Believe I Am Part Evil

[Deleted member 1860]

My dad says that what happened to me was nothing less than pure evil (childhood rape).

I feel that this evil is like a virus inside of me, and every time I get triggered and have an episode, saying horrid things to people, I am spreading the evil that was given to me.

I don't want to spread the evil anymore. The only way I can guarantee this is by isolating myself from others. I guess this is related to needing to save everyone else from me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I was normal so I wouldn't have to dal with overwhelming guilt of spreading this crap on to other people.

 

[Innordinate]

PTSD reality shock.

 

[Whitneys story]

ScaredofLonely, Are there specific triggers that you can seperate regarding your actions which you feel create the evil? It sounds as if you have been programmed to believe you are evil. The act committed on you and the person are evil. You are the sufferer and in no way should feel guilty or evil. I would not think isolating your self would benefit you. It would delay the healing. Please do not think you are evil. You have shown so much compassion on the forum. I am sorry you have been so invalidated. Hugs Whitney

 

[Red Feather]

You are not evil! I do not believe in evil. There is misplaced energy that cause people to do terrible things, but I believe the concept of evil and hell have been made up by people who want to control others. You can say to yourself that you are innocent over and over again, so as to reduce that programming of yours a child. You know what is best for you! You are not to blame!

 

[Ted Moen]

You express the feeling of PTSD well. Before we learn to understand PTSD and how to manage our behavior in our current situation, we act out the intense feelings "automatically" and the behavior is inappropriate in our current situation. Once we are away from whatever triggered the intense feelings and "automatic" response and safe to reflect on our behavior, we observe it was inappropriate and that there must be something inside us that generates this inappropriate behavior.

Of course there is. There is the set of responses we developed to survive the trauma. They are very intense because surviving in a hostile situation is very intense. They are "automatic" because they were things you had to do immediately without thinking to survive at the time. You are not evil. You are a normal person who has had to survive a traumatic, hostile situation.

Now (hopefully) you are no longer in the hostile situation, but you still have the intense "automatic" responses. You are not evil. You are a trauma survivor. Now the challenge is to learn how to live in a more or less normal situation with all the "automatic" responses being triggered. A good therapist can help.

Ted

 

[Innordinate]

PTSD reality shock.

Sorry, I just realized I didn't really finish that thought.

I think it's standard, normal, at some point for most people with PTSD to think they're evil or bad or no good etc.

I don't think you're evil, and even if you were, you can't 'spread' evil. You can do mean things but you can't spread it around. What was done to you was evil but it's not contagious. You aren't a disease of evilness.

I've been considering isolating myself too but I don't think that will help me or anyone else.

Have to deal with it, learn to not be mean to people or at least when to walk away before being mean. Not something, I've noticed from personal experience, that is easy at all. :(

 

[heidi]

I know what what you mean. But I think most people here try to be aware and contain negative things they feel so that it doesn't impact others. It sounds like you're one of those people.

That makes you a very good person because you are rising above the cycle and are monitoring your output.

 

[nimkekaa]

I'm so sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I can understand you feeling what was done TO YOU was evil but YOU are NOT evil.

I hope you can find a therapist that can help you understand that what was done to you was bad but that you are not a bad person.

Just the fact that you care enough about other people to try and stay away from them shows how different you are from the person/people that abused you. I doubt they feel evil for what they did too you.

I'm glad you are expressing how you feel here on this forum and I hope some of the replies you receive can reach your heart.

Hugs if you need them.

 

[Spiderallis]

You are not evil at all. I describe my PTSD as a barrel of black goo, drips of poison handed to me that I gathered into a large container. The key thing for me is finding the right way to dispose of the sludge. It's not mine, just like that evil is not yours. You were handed it, and by understanding how it feels to be passed such nasty goo you're aware that it's not something you want to hand off to someone else. Be proud that you know that. I've got a feeling many of those who've harmed us around here were passing off what they'd been handed.

The tricky part about isolating is that you're sitting there next to the barrel of goo. Finding a proper place to dispose of it is very hard. Just remember that it's not your evil. I hope you find a safe place to start pouring it out where it can't make anyone else feel ill.

 

[bright_morning]

My therapist told me once that especially during childhood trauma it is common to internalize the evil being done to one. It's like the only way to process it is to think "I am enveloped in this evil, therefore I must be evil as well."

I have this complication to the extreme because I was subjected to many years of ritual abuse and programming as a child.

I have had a lot of success in reading up on "introjects" and how they work. I then began (even though I am not diagnosed DID) to work with the beliefs and self perceptions as alters. Since if they say something untrue about myself as a victim, they are clearly parts of myself dissociated into another reality. I believe they came into being because in order to survive my abuse I had to fracture and identify with the abuser. It was safer on the handle side of the knife, if I may.

My basic daily practice is to dialog with the feeling of being evil, asking myself what I am trying to say in those feelings and impulses. What I uncovered were even more painful memories, but it's been worth it because I am slowly integrating the dissociated parts and feeling more and more whole. I hope my post makes sense, I may be trying to distill something too complicated.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Everyone has had so many wonderful things to say. So I will add my 2 cents. I do not think you are evil. An evil person does not join an online site to get help. They would avoid any light on what they are...and what they do.

You are not evil. It is a feeling and a very strong feeling. It will pass away. I hope you do not isolate, because it would cut you off from the very help, support, and encouragemnent you need to heal.

You need to use your adult mind and tell yourself the truth that this is a lie that was programned into you.

It takes awhile to get the truth from the head into the heart where it will change your life. There is hope and healing for you.

Meanwhile you have to gather yourself and tell yourself the truth. You are not evil and you are not spreading it around. I wish this will help you on your way to healing. Big hugs.

 

[bright_morning]

Wow gizmo, your post made me well up with tears. Thanks for that, even if I am not the one for whom it was intended.