I Believe I Am Part Evil

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks monster.

I'm not ungrateful for anything, I just can't CBT this one away. I can't rationalize that I'm not evil, because I could be? If you're not born evil, where does it come from? And what about the fact that most a users were abused themselves? I'm not out raping little kids, but I feel the evil comes through in other ways. It's evil, of course it can morph (duhhhh). Maybe I need to contact a philosopher. My therapist and priest aren't giving me deeper answers.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

OK good...... I'm sorry I'm just misinterpreting your comments.

I do find the philosophical angle interesting.

Two people grow up with the same stimuli and issues but one becomes a serial killer. I know I've read the histories and personality quirks of a few serial killers and I am stunned that some mirror me.

I know humans have both good and evil in them. Like the opposite poles of a magnet they are both needed to function. I can't help think about the old Star Trek where Kirk is split into two beings. One the bad and the other good. Eventually neither can function.

Both parts of the mind are needed. I remember reading about the early parts of the brain development but I can't remember which book. I think it was referred to as the reptile brain. The first part that deals with just the primeval fight or flight and other basic instincts. It's the hard wired part of the brain and it's sometimes this part that actually produces the PTSD symptoms. The survival instinct keeps replaying the memory of what happened to keep you safe.

You see a Tiger and it almost eats you. The survival instinct reproduces that same fear and physical reactions if you think you see a Tiger even if it's not really there. Someone hurts you and each time your mind perceives it might happen again you react.

The soldier for instance that who won't allow the family to enter the home each time they arrive until he has cleared the building. Intellectually he knows it's safe but the instinct part of the brain keep replying over and over again from experience it may not be safe.

A soldier touches evil from combat but returns to society and his family without reproducing that evil. He/she keeps it in check because they choose to. Some soldiers because of their PTSD do slip back and hurt someone. Is it evil or just that tape being played over and over again of prior experiences?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok maybe philosophy is a bad way to go... Now I remember why I hated it so much in college!

If "this", then "that", and so on and so forth, but wait, in my mind you haven't proven "this", so "that" and so on isn't necessarily valid, although you are postulating "this" as fact...how so? *runs screaming from the room*

Sigh. I can't win. Reading philosophy would just make me even more crazed than I already am.

Maybe I just need to meditate...

 

[Nicolette]

I'm afraid that if I were to specifically reply to any one response, that I would just end up arguing that yes, I am evil because blah blah blah, but that's not where I want to go. So yes, this is very much an issue for me.

SOL it seems you are struggling. I must admit as a member it's a bit confusing as I would be reluctant to say anything for fear of it not being received well...

Is this thread about you just airing your thoughts or would you like input from others?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think a part of me just wants to vent. But anymore I want the thoughts to go away we feedback would be appreciated. I hate feeling this way.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sorry I just re-read your reply nicolette, I didn't mean to upset anyone, this thread can just "die" now.

 

[Wanda]

I agree with hulk, until you recognize and figure out ourselves we have PTSD no one will know what you are struggling with.

No, I don't tell everyone, but those that need to know if my behavior now is so different than what they had seen from me before. I used to be very outspoken, by now feel I have nothing to say.

You just have to take it one day at a time and make a determination that you are going to get this mountain climbed.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Today I went to church. I cried the whole time because I thought god didn't want me there. I'm still quite upset about the whole thing.

Then an ex friend texted me and pretty much said I was lazy and poor and depended on everyone to do everything for me. It was the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me. I hate how people knock me down like that. Yes, I'm on disability and yes I live with my family (paying rent), but the reason I have no money is because most of it goes toward medical bills. I'm not out there living it up or anything. Nobody can see that! I don't want pity, just understanding. I'm misunderstood, so peoples initial reactions is to just knock me down a bit more.

I think I should stop now, stay off the forum for awhile. I really can't handle this feeling of being evil and God hating me.

 

[cherryblossom]

I think perhaps you should rid 'ex- friends' from your life. No one needs to hear crap like 'you are lazy, you depend on others etc', when it's just not true. Can you just delete their texts without reading them?

If you are feeling really low, then yes, you should probably take a forum break. Solely because if you are in a really bad place, the forum and members are really limited as to how to help. Seek real life help, from 'proper' friends / family, or a help line.

Take some time to look after you, and remember you are worth it :hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks, CherryB...

I did just that, sought help from a long time friend. He is of the same faith/denomination so I feel comfortable talking to him about such things, as he doesn't judge and knows a bit about my past. He was very supportive of me and I feel a bit better now. Not that people here weren't helpful, it's just that sometimes help is better received from one avenue rather than another!

So for now, I'm doing ok in regards to these "evil" thoughts, but I suspect they'll flare up again.

 

[Abrasky]

I think that is a common thing with PTSD. I've been more of "I'm bad" which is a similar thing. For me it is just a combination of the polarisation, guilt, thoughts on how to please my mother any way I can, memories all those fun PTSD things. It is just a symptom of PTSD . You worry about it, which someone with empathy wouldn't do. Keep worrying and I think you don't have to worry lol.

 

[Muzikluvr]

SOL, I apologize that I have not read each entry in this thread. I have skimmed, and picked up a few things here and there. This topic is personal to me as I had to deal with irrational core beliefs regarding evil.

IMHO, Evil = Extreme Selfishness

That's it. Evil is not other worldly. There are extremely selfish people. I have been extremely selfish before. I'm not proud of it. But, now that I understand it, I can accept it. I can forgive myself, and I can recognize it before I act on it again.

Abusers are extremely selfish and they are not trying to change it. They either enjoy it and revel in it, or prefer it to the alternative; which is sharing/caring/empathizing, or simply not getting what they want.

There's no need to fear being evil, since it is the logical affect of a choice you make. If you don't want to be evil, then choose to think of others when considering your options in any given decision.

Extreme Selfishness varies from: choosing to do something for gain without any regard for how it hurts someone else... to enjoying the fact that it hurts someone else.

Extreme Selfishness is not self-preserving. It is not being confused and lashing out <-- that, is being afraid.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to become more clear on what is real and possible vs. what is not real and not possible. By doing that, you will decrease the fear you feel and increase your ability to control your symptoms (panic attacks) by using logic to calm your fears.

As I said, I did have to confront my childhood developed core beliefs which were pretty firmly leaning toward supernatural spirituality of all kinds. Once I threw off my belief in being controlled by evil, then I began to have more control over my own thoughts. Some thoughts are just thoughts, your mind contrives them because you expose yourself to the possibilities by watching the news, or horror movies, or listening to gossip about the latest shocking tragedy, etc... these things can not completely be avoided. My mind will latch onto some of the worst of the world around us because it is AFRAID. Not evil. Afraid.

Bottom line, you are not part evil. You are making some selfish choices that are instinctually self preserving, but which are actually destroying your life. You need logic, and courage. Life can be frightening, and it's funny how heroically rescuing someone might be easier than trusting a friend while you're triggered. Fight the fear with logic, and learn to trust with logic, and change your unhelpful thoughts (see my bookmarks for that one). I hope this is helpful to you in some way.