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I am the most evil.

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OceanSpray

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A therapist I follow on YouTube is doing a deep dive on Baby Reindeer. One of the reasons I follow him is because he does a great job of de-stigmatizing many things.

But he made a statement today, “some people are just evil and beyond repair.” For context, he made it clear it’s a tiny minority and that he views the vast majority of people, including all of the personality disorders, as mostly good people who do bad things out of reactions to various issues. I agree with him.

I know, cognitively, that there are people who do actual evil things in this world that I could never fathom doing myself. But my brain latched onto him saying that and being beyond repair and now I’m kinda melting down and am certain that I am definitely in the beyond repair category.

I’m split in two and I want to have the confidence to firmly say no I don’t do evil things and so I am not beyond repair. But I can’t seem to make my gut really feel and believe that.

How do I do that?
 
I know, cognitively, that there are people who do actual evil things in this world that I could never fathom doing myself.
I've known people who LOVE to rape children to death, in front of their parents, before burning them alive.

LOVE. IT.

Are extremely disappoibted to "only" commit XYZ atrocity.

I happen to feel extreme relief/satisfaction in shooting these people. 2 in the chest 1 in the head.

Are you anywhere NEAR my -or their- level of depravity?

I may do evil things. I. Am. Perfectly. Content. having done so. What f*cks ME up? Is leaving people like my ex & exMIL walking/talking. Selling kids to pedophiles. And all the other evil they do. THAT I believe I will answer for, kingdom come. Being so selfish as to value my freedoms over the LIVES of innocents.

Who is more evil? You? Me? Them? The thousands of people in our so called justice system that leave people like my ex & exMil out preying on the innocent?
 
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I've known people who LOVE to rape children to death, in front of their parents, before burning them alive.
And at this point I don't even consider it meaningful to conclude that these people are some mythological evil. They're composed this way, and we don't choose how we are composed.

It doesn't mean people aren't responsible for the choices they make, but the things we love and want aren't exactly in our control, either. Our universe is deterministic in the sense that how we are constructed defines the way we think, so I don't believe it's useful to care about good and evil in the long run.

At least when it comes to imposing judgments on actions that fall nowhere close to the spectrum of raping kids to death. As sentient beings, we decide what's important to us. And most people, absent such aberrations, will decide that raping kids to death is abhorrent. Most people will decide that it is important not to rape kids to death.

Since we live in a society, we can conclude that doing so is "evil" or "bad" (since most of us agree it is, and because we can prove using natural laws that it causes harm, and that causing harm is destructive) and live our lives according to the precepts that reduce entropy and chaos.

Cosmologically, though, it doesn't matter. Someday we may develop technologically to the point that we actually can repair such people, rendering such existential quandaries irrelevant altogether.
 
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I could never fathom doing myself.
So, despite being very aware that all evidence points to you not being evil, brain is somehow still convinced that you are… Sounds…soooooo familiar!

If my own experience is anything to go by? This belief is gonna be a shitter to turn around. I mentioned in a thread on an entirely different topic just this morning how I managed to score big points on the Delusional set for my own version (I’m so evil my mere presence makes good men do bad things).

Things that have helped me?

For my rational brain: understanding why that belief actually exists, and the life-saving function it served. This gave me buy-in to genuinely allow myself to work through it.

For actually changing the belief: behaving it out of my system. Which takes insight (into the ways this belief is impacting your thoughts, emotions and behaviour - Ts are invaluable with this, but also some CBT apps aren’t half bad either!); mindfulness (learning to notice this belief straying into the present); and then treating myself as though it’s simply not true (eeeek, self compassion! My mortal enemy!). So, that part is a process. A long one. Beliefs like this are formed in our development and kept you alive, so your brain isn’t going to let go easily.

But the process for at least stopping this belief running the show, now you’re aware of it? Can be much shorter.
 
I happen to feel extreme relief/satisfaction in shooting these people. 2 in the chest 1 in the head.
For the record, i don't think that's "evil". I guess it can get sticky with the process of deciding who deserves to die, but that's probably a separate topic. But then, there were a number of times when I'd say something in a session and my T would laugh and say, "THAT would score you a lot of points on the psychopath scale". (And he'd go on to say that I'm not actually a psychopath, I just think like one sometimes.)

Maybe there's a need for definition of terms here. What's "repaired"? Does it mean "perfect"? Like nothing ever happened, good as new? Or does it mean functional? I think there's some stuff that truly can't be fixed, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to have a functional and satisfying life. You lose an arm in a car wreck. It can't be "fixed" to the extent of replacing it good as new. But it CAN be fixed to the extent of stopping the bleeding, healing the wounds, and replacing it with a useful prosthesis.

Personal opinion. The deal with those people who "can't be fixed" is that they don't WANT to be fixed. They don't see that there is anything TO be fixed. Not seeing a problem is a big road block to dealing with a problem.

The fact that you're worried about this is a pretty good sign that you don''t have the problem.
 
Are you anywhere NEAR my -or their- level of depravity?

Theirs? No I guess I have to admit I’m not. Yours? Yes. To be fair, I’m not sure I could actually manage to go through with it but the desire would absolutely be there.


They're composed this way, and we don't choose how we are composed.

See, this is where I start to get screwed up. Because if we don’t choose to be how we are, don’t even those people deserve compassion then? Does it become not their fault that they are that way? And then if someone can’t choose, and doesn’t necessarily know because they view themselves as normal or at least not evil, then doesn’t that apply to me too? What if I just don’t know how truly evil I am and it’s how I was just made and so there isn’t anything anyone can do about it?

I read the rest of your comment so I understand that isn’t exactly what you’re saying, it’s just the spiral my head goes down.

I’m so evil my mere presence makes good men do bad things).

Are you me? Cause I’ve absolutely had this thought many times about people in general, not just men.

What's "repaired"?

I guess I view repaired as a completely clean slate like nothing ever happened. I get that that’s completely unrealistic and probably contributing to my issue.


The deal with those people who "can't be fixed" is that they don't WANT to be fixed. They don't see that there is anything TO be fixed.

So I agree but I also get stuck here because why don’t they see the issue? Is there a legit disability or something that is preventing insight and if so, then how do I know I’m not one of those that is lacking insight and am not understanding just how bad I am?

Same as above, I understand that’s not exactly what you’re saying but that’s where I go.


The fact that you're worried about this is a pretty good sign that you don''t have the problem.

I can see that logic, but I’ve known too many people who will acknowledge just enough of an issue to seem like they get it but they still just don’t. There’s still these massive glaring things they are doing and they just don’t see it. I’m scared I’m also one of those people who knows and understands some but not all of what I am.
 
See, this is where I start to get screwed up. Because if we don’t choose to be how we are, don’t even those people deserve compassion then? Does it become not their fault that they are that way?
Don't feel bad. The whole free will vs determinism debate has been going on for centuries. (Maybe millennium?) It's a complicated and interesting issue. That probably doesn't have an answer in the land of mortals. Which is where we're living right now. @Weemie , I think, comes down on the side of Team Determinism. Personally, I'm on Team Free Will, but I also think it's complicated. Personally, I think everyone deserves compassion, in a way. But, I, personally, don't feel like it's my job to make the ultimate good or evil call for someone else. Killing the people @Friday mentioned is a matter of pragmatism. They're a menace & that's the easiest way to deal with them, end of story. (Except there is the whole "what if I'm wrong? extenuating circumstances" possibilities........)

I think everyone I've ever met is capable of performing evil acts under the right circumstances. I don't think that makes them evil, I think it makes them human. What matters, again IMO, is what happens next. Do they gloat or express remorse? Do they vow to do better and acknowledge what they've done, or do they go merrily on their way, creating more havoc. I've met a few people I consider to be probably evil. Never had a conversation about free will vs determinism with any of them. I don't think it's the kind of thing they worry about, or even find interesting. (Maybe I just haven't met enough "evil" people and there are lots of exceptions to this?) You're not only aware of this conundrum, you're worried about it. I'm thinking it's REALLY a safe bet you aren't evil.

Actually, again, JMO, I think what you're experiencing here is pretty much a symptom. There's a certain world view where you think "bad things happen to bad people, bad things happened to me, therefore I'm a bad person". It helps make sense of things that otherwise don't make sense. As luck would have it, there's a flaw in the logic and it's not true. Bad things happen to all kinds of people, whether they deserve it or not. And, good things happen to people whether they deserve it or not too.
 
I think everyone I've ever met is capable of performing evil acts under the right circumstances. I don't think that makes them evil, I think it makes them human. What matters, again IMO, is what happens next. Do they gloat or express remorse? Do they vow to do better and acknowledge what they've done, or do they go merrily on their way, creating more havoc.

This makes a lot of sense and does help me gauge much better.
 
See, this is where I start to get screwed up. Because if we don’t choose to be how we are, don’t even those people deserve compassion then?
I think everybody deserves compassion, yes. Human rights apply to all humans, even those who don't respect ours. It's about how we choose to act - punishment solves nothing, the only outcome is personal gratification, and I don't think making people suffer just because it feels good is reasonable. You don't have to like these people, or even interact with them at all if you have the choice, but causing them pain isn't solving the problem.

Does it become not their fault that they are that way?
It's not their fault that they are composed in a way that makes them want to hurt other people. It is their fault if they choose to do so. I'm not necessarily suggesting that free will doesn't exist - part of our existence comes down to the choices that we make, and we have the capacity to make good choices, which means we are responsible when we make poor ones.

And then if someone can’t choose, and doesn’t necessarily know because they view themselves as normal or at least not evil, then doesn’t that apply to me too?
Provided you have the legal competence to do so, you should be aware of whether or not you are making decisions like "rape kids to death." Presumably this is not something you have done, so there's no relevance to wondering if you're secretly the same as a person who does. This is more within the spectrum of OCD than it is being "evil." Ultimately, how you are isn't relevant. It's what you do that makes you good or bad.

but I also get stuck here because why don’t they see the issue? Is there a legit disability or something that is preventing insight
For the record, most offenders understand right and wrong. The ones who don't are typically considered legally insane, but it's far more common that someone behaves sadistically with the full intention to do so. They know harming other people is wrong, they just don't care. It's a lack of insight into other people, if anything. Namely that other people should be respected, because they are fully sentient beings who have a right to live peacefully.

Someone who commits actions like raping kids to death doesn't view that child as human. They're simply a means to gratification for the offender. Presumably you don't view kids as meat socks to jerk yourself off with, so there's really no comparison between you and a person that does.

I guess I view repaired as a completely clean slate like nothing ever happened.
Considering that we do not have the technological capacity to go back in time and erase past actions, this is kind of an irrelevant factor as well. But what we most likely will someday be able to do, is treat conditions like pedophilia and sadism through targeted neurogenesis. If someone hurts a child because they have a neurological abnormality that wires them to be attracted to children (and that erases their empathy for their victims), and then that abnormality is fixed, how do you suppose our society should engage with those people?

This is where conversations of punishment and compassion become important. If a person no longer poses a risk, we would be punishing them for no reason. But that doesn't mean that they shouldn't engage in a process of restorative justice. It does mean that punitive actions are relatively purposeless. As a victim, if I knew that my abuser underwent treatment that genuinely changed them, I would prefer that they dedicate the rest of their life to repairing the damage that they caused.

Sticking them in the torture box doesn't fix anything they did to me. It's just more purposeless suffering.
 
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Interesting topic. I’ve known good people who’ve done ‘evil things’ - do I think they’re an evil person, no. Do I think there are irredeemably evil people out there - yes.

The fact you are even able to consider this question and be concerned about whether or not you might be, tells me firmly that you are not.

Everyone in the right circumstances is capable of evil. It’s just that most people are never placed into circumstances that push them that far. Some rare people are it seems born wired to enjoy evil acts. But they are perfectly capable of resisting those things, they chose not to, which is what makes them ‘evil’ as a person. Some people are trained into evil from a young age, I struggle with seeing them as evil, because I feel the evil has been put upon them. Given better choices and opportunities, they can change.


I happen to feel extreme relief/satisfaction in shooting these people. 2 in the chest 1 in the head.

Are you anywhere NEAR my -or their- level of depravity?
For the record, I’d be with you. I don’t see it as depravity. I see it as a practical solution to minimise suffering - like putting down a rabid dog. Good for both the dog and everyone around it.

What f*cks ME up? Is leaving people like my ex & exMIL walking/talking. Selling kids to pedophiles. And all the other evil they do. THAT I believe I will answer for, kingdom come. Being so selfish as to value my freedoms over the LIVES of innocents.
Get this as well. One man. Always the should have done more. Should hunt him down and personally make sure myself that he can’t do more. He wouldn’t have stopped at me, he can’t stop. But that’s their choices and hopefully one day something somewhere out there will make them answer to them.
 
Always the should have done more. Should hunt him down and personally make sure myself that he can’t do more. He wouldn’t have stopped at me, he can’t stop.
An addendum to what I said above, but with respect to what you and @Friday said, I do think killing certain people is a separate, worthwhile discussion. I've known sadistic pedophiles, human traffickers, people who train kids to kill and rape etc. Who simply aren't capable of existing safely, and I wouldn't feel any compunction about killing them. I'm sure I am not alone in this. I would view killing them in this instance to be an act of self-defense.

Torturing them, punishing them, is different - there's no purpose to this. I suppose one could say victims deserve to gratify themselves at their abuser's expense. It's obviously less morally repulsive than an abuser raping a baby in the first place or whatever shit. But there might be a purpose to killing some of these people, since that is a protective action.

With regard to this statement, though, at the end of the day, neither of you are responsible for what other people choose to do. Just like I am not responsible for letting my abusers live. They are responsible for not hurting others, and the onus is not on victims to ensure their abusers stop committing violence. We are allowed to pursue peace, and it doesn't make us evil for not taking that on.
 
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