General I Fear For My Son That He Will Too End Up With Ptsd

[discarded]

My recently exhusband has combat related PTSD, served in the regulars and reserves for a total of 30 years before his illness saw him discharged a couple of months ago. His PTSD flared up big time as a result and so in the end I decided we could not go on like we were and I left him to give him the space he said he needed.

Our 21 year old son enlisted in the army just over 12 months ago. He is now posted back to our home town and although he maintains a room at the barracks he spends most nights with me. In one of the letters he wrote while at recruit training (and I know he was under a lot of emotional distress at the time) he said he only joined to finally get his father's approval (he didn't seem to worry that it was the last thing in the world I wanted him to do of course). He did get the approval he was looking for and they do now share a common bond.

He is just busting to get a trip to Afghanistan and it is freaking me out. He has seen what 4 deployments has done to his father and I have spoken to him about it all but the soldier in him far outweighs the possible outcomes. His unit lost a soldier last year before he was posted there and they have just had a memorial day in his honour. Even that did not bring home the dangers to him. I don't know that I will be able to cope should he end up going overseas and comes home with PTSD. I know I am probably stressing about something that may never happen but I am his Mum and I worry every day.

It is Remembrance Day this Sunday and he has been selected to do some official stuff at a country town about and hour or so away. I wanted to go to give my support but he refuses to let me. If he won't let me support him and be proud of him now, I wonder what it will be like should my worst fears be realised.

 

[Bilby]

I am his Mum and I worry every day.

And so it shall be every day of our lives, I suspect. It's part of the territory of being a Mum, along with so many other things.

I can understand why you would be worried when you've seen what your husband has gone through. It must be painful to know that the only reason he has gone into the Army has been to get his Father's approval, rather than following his own journey - whatever that may be. I wonder why it is that he doesn't want you to go along to the Remembrance Day service? Did he elaborate at all?

Unfortunately we don't know what the future will bring, there's no crystal ball - and that is so difficult at times like this when you desperately want to protect your son from experiencing something traumatic that would change his life. :(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I really feel for your mothers heart in this sad situation. Your son is a grown man and has to be free to live his own life. I am sad that he joined up to get his fathers approval. Like Bilby said there is not crystal ball. You cannot know the future. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now. This is going to be rough on you. I understand that you must have so many fears but you will be what iffing yourself to death if you are not careful.

Now is the time to tell your son how much he means to you, and keep in touch with him once he is deployed. My heart goes out to you, and I grieve with you. This is so truly sad. But take heart. It might not happen to him. It does not happen to everyone. I am wishing you the very best. Big hugs.

 

[Toria]

Hi Discarded - if your son wrote such an honest letter to you then perhaps you could write one to him? Tell him that you would like to support him and how proud of him you are, but I personally I would keep your other fears to yourself for now. He will have seen how his father behaves and will be well aware I am sure of the consequences. He may well be trying to protect you and your emotions by keeping you away from the ceremony. Boys are odd things - even when they are your flesh and blood! x

 

[discarded]

Toria I did write a letter when I got the one from him but I never posted it. Maybe I should give it to him now. Yes he does try to protect me, he has stood between me and his father many times. His father talked to me today and thinks we should go and just not let him know we are there, I am not so sure we should. I think his father should go alone and not drag me into it. Besides he would probably accept his father being there, and he wouldn't tell him off about it like he would me. Plus he doesn't live with father, he lives with me and I don't want to upset him.

 

[HollyB]

Discarded: For a minute, I thought you might be my sufferer's mom, as your situation is incredibly similar to his. However, he's over a decade older than your son.

I agree with Toria that perhaps you should keep your fears and worries to yourself, and I'll tell you why I think that.

While deployed, my boyfriend talked about his mom a lot, and how bad he felt for "doing this to her," as in making her worry about him on all levels, from his physical safety as a soldier, to the emotional trauma he suffered in his first deployment and what he was bound to suffer again during his last one. He was very, very upset about, and I get the sense that it was her reaction to his decisions that caused him a lot of grief and guilt.

He "did this" to me too, but he didn't have the same sort of guilt towards me, just his mother. Granted, his mother has been in his life much, much longer than I have been, and probably is more important to him at this point in his life, but I think that his guilt and grief (and resulting avoidance) towards his mother come from how she handled it. I learned a lot about how to help and handle him through trial and error, and what I learned is that unconditional support of him, without expressing how worried and fearful I am, works wonders. The moment I'd say something about how worried I was, I wouldn't hear from him for a bit; he'd withdraw.

So, that's my long round-about way of suggesting that you show him love and support and that he'll always have a safe place to land with you, and keep those fears about PTSD and danger to yourself...

Hugs.