General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[loyaltojesus]

I am married to a combat PTSD vet...

• Sufferer may be incapable of speaking words of affirmation or showing affection. Sufferer may make sexual advances, but be incapable of showing affection at other times throughout the day. Holding hands, saying I love you, or even basic conversation can be very hard for sufferer. Sometimes, carer can feel used sexually, and wonder if the sufferer really loves them. In most cases, the sufferer does love you, but they are unable to show that affection in any other way but sex. In some cases, they don't even want to have sex. If there has been a trigger or a flare up in symptoms, sufferer will even withdraw from sex all together.

• There are sometimes too many triggers to keep track of all of them. It is best to sit back and evaluate before you make any harsh judgments or assumptions against sufferer. If you accuse the sufferer of an action or emotion or view point, but your accusation is wrong because you have misread the situation, the sufferer will either explode, or both explode and then withdraw. Example: My husband refused to sit thru a church service with an Indian man speaking. He had a middle eastern accent. I accused him of being racist against all middle eastern people because he cant tolerate being around them. He exploded violently, and then withdrew completely. The only thing he would say is that he had lost all trust in me and would never talk to me about anything with PTSD again. We got through it with counseling, but it was a mistake I could have avoided. I have also accused him of not loving me. Although he tried to tell me, his actions did not make me feel he loved me. The more I accused him of not loving me, the more he pushed me away. For years I made things worse for him and myself.

• Sufferer may have urges to spend money he does not have. Addictions are common, even to something as simple as fishing. They find an outlet that is therapeutic, and then they get consumed with it, sometimes going overboard.

• Combat PTSD sufferers will NOT share details about their past. The only exception is that they may build a relationship with another VET who has similar experiences. If your sufferer has no one to talk to, seek to find groups where other VETs hang out. At first the idea or group therapy made him cringe, but then he ended up bonding with Vietnam Vets. He actually has a best friend who is a vietnam vet and family friend. They go fishing and talk about their trauma sometimes. It seems to be the only thing that helps him.

• For combat PTSD, Memorial day and other holidays related to freedom are very painful. Sufferer may withdraw or become angry. You must pay attention to the calendar. If it is NOT combat PTSD, you may want to remember...if the trauma happened at Christmas, expect Christmas to be hard for your sufferer.

• If sufferer is incapable of explaining or alerting you when there has been a trigger, create a code word. If they can only say that code word, it will alert you and let you know to back off and prepare yourself. It should not be used as a excuse to get away with things. But it can be a helpful tool. Our code word was "PTSD"....simple.

• DO NOT EVER ask your sufferer to tell you what happened. If they want you to know, they will tell you. As hard as it is, do not pry. If they tell you part of it, do not ask for more details. Build trust by assuring then that you love them and you don't need to know. With time, they may let little things slip as the subject comes up, sometimes watching movies that depict a similar trauma, or seeing it in the news, etc.

• If your sufferer will allow you, be involved in knowing what medications they are taking. Know what the side effects are, and educate yourself in how and when they should be taking their meds. Help to monitor to be sure your sufferer is not overdosing or abusing meds. Also, many sufferers will skip meds or forget to take them. If they will allow you, get involved and go to their Dr appts.

• Educate yourself about anxiety and depression. Sufferer may skip meals, may sleep all day, my have aches and pains, etc.

I'm sure I may think of more later. These are all major issues with my combat PTSD hubby.

 

[loyaltojesus]

That said, I really think that I have a lot to learn if I'm going to be a half-decent support person. I need to educate myself as best I can to try and understand my husband better. Problem is, I only know certain details about the traumatic events he has experienced - he just hasn't shared a great deal of information about them to date, and if he has, I think I haven't understood the full impact that they have had on him.

Selfishly though, I do wonder who supports the support person (due to my own depression/anxiety issues). I want to be able to help my husband as I love him to bits, but what do you do when they aren't available and you need someone?

Hi Bilby. I just want to encourage you. I have been married over 3 years to a combat PTSD sufferer. And yes, you are on the right track. The best thing I ever did was to educate myself about PTSD. And I want to encourage you...please try to tear the thought from your mind that you need to know what the trauma was. I assure you, it is only your curiosity. Knowing what happened will not help you or your sufferer. I know it seems like it would, but in due time, it will be made clear. He will share when he is ready. Or, he may never ever tell you. My hubby said he didnt want me to know what happened in Iraq because he didnt want me to look at him differently. He never ever wants me to know what happened. He feels I would loose respect for him. I know he is an honorable man, and that he did no wrong. But somehow, there is a hidden guilt that each sufferer puts on themselves, even if they will not admit it.

In short, it is best to leave it alone. Just trust your sufferer. Love him as much as you can. And just give him space. It really sucks sometimes waiting, and waiting some more. But when you see a breakthrough, its so totally worth it. Sometimes it can take years, so just decide now that you are going to stick with it for the long haul. What they need is someone who will not give up on them, but someone who will give them the space they need. Do everything you can to build their trust!!!

I have found that only another wife of a combat PTSD sufferer can really understand me. You gotta find someone in the same boat as you. Also, I am a Christian, and I think I would have already divorced my hubby if I did not have God to cry and to a run to. Sometimes I just say "God, I'm not strong enough. I can't do this." And then God gives me peace and strength to get through. I hope this helps!

 

[Bilby]

Thank you, L2J (hope that is ok - a little abbreviated, I know!)

Some of what you have said is already being put into practice now, which is really good. I have learnt a lot in the past two weeks from a variety of sources, this site being one of them.

I understand more now, about not only my husband's multiple traumas, but how they have affected his life - it's been a bit like putting the pieces of a puzzle together, or joining the dots. It's as though I have been witnessing a series of 'symptoms' - some of which I knew were related to his PTSD, others I was not sure about. The more I have educated myself, and the more he has talked with me since getting help, the more I understand that many more symptoms he was exhibiting are attributable to PTSD.

You are right when you say that when you see a breakthrough, it is worth it. This happened after one of my husband's EMDR sessions and he looked alive, energetic, and happy. He was walking with his head held high, and his shoulders back - he looked carefree - for the first time, in a long time. That was special.

Oh, and I won't give up on him. Life has been very difficult, but he is worth the effort. He is trying exceptionally hard, and I applaud him for that - seeking help is not an easy thing to do, but he knows the importance of it, not just for him, but for our family as a whole. What can I say... I love him to bits, and I'm proud of him for doing what he has to do to get help. I feel like this is a positive step for us all.

B x

 

[celia]

Hi LoyaltoJesus,

If I had only seen these educational threads a year ago...I would have seen things so much more clearly. The above threads are sooo helpful and will help many of those who still have a chance to help.

My sufferer swept PTSD under the rug and denied having it, and I followed suit. I was so naive about how major this illness can be. He hid it well, and when he didn't I thought it was me and sometimes it was because I had no clue. There were times I did ask him if he loved me when he isolated, there were times when he would leave for 2-3 days and return and I would tell him to never do that to me again.

Also the high expectations he had for me and everyone like your thread said , always kept me busy trying to be that person. When he didn't live up to his own expectations that he held on others, I never said anything.

Thank you and please keep informing others when you think of things. I feel it serves others and is a good deed. God Bless!

 

[Deleted member 17302]

1. Does cheating occur more with people that have PTSD?
2. How far does it go before a persons self destructive behaviour force them to get real help?
3. Does PTSD ever go away?
4. How long can the pyscotic episodes that PTSD sufferers have last?
5. Is it reasonable to keep the medications locked up so they can't take more than prescribed?
6. How does a person get their SO involuntarily admitted to an inpatient program if they are super self destructive and are abusing medications?

I ask for my own benifit as well as hopefully adding to your list when someone can answer them for me.

 

[amethist]

Hi mr_smith

Good questions, and I will try and answer some of them for you.

Cheating does not occur more with those with PTSD than those without it. Cheating is cheating on any level and should not be excused just because they have PTSD.

They will only get help when they decide to, nothing you can do to push them into it, especially if they are in denial of having any problems.

Psychotic episodes will last until it has run its course. Could be an hour, could be a week. If they have no medication or emergency meds for this type of occurrence, then you will just have to hope it does not last long. If you have nothing to help and they are in danger of hurting themselves or some one else, maybe call the emergency services.

If you know they will take more medication than prescribed then keeping them locked up is one way to prevent this.

The answer to your last question is a difficult one, but if you can get them to the emergency department, that is the place to take them if they are in danger.

This is just my take on what to do, others may have different ideas.

 

[Sing2me]

• Don't lie. It's automatic to me to read body language, notice unusual pitches or tones, and when something's out of character.

• Alone time doesn't mean that the other person isn't wanted or appreciated. It isn't personal.

• Sometimes stress and triggers are unexplained, even to ourselves, we're not keeping something from you(depends on the person of course)

• For some of us open affection is hard. An "I love you" can be something we made or did just for you with that thought in mind.

• Ff you have a question or don't understand something try writing it down and waiting back for a written response. Wil keep down emotions, we can think on the question, and give an answer that is thought out and not forced to say it. Part of healing may be communication but writing is a form of that.

 

[Slynn]

I have slowly been making my way through this thread (I am not yet finished!), and just... wow! so much support and help. Its really amazing!
I am learning how to cope with my partner, how to work around his moods, and how to best support him, but I find that it leaves absolutely 0 time for me! If I do take a day for myself, he often has a episode that night, meaning we are up all night and I then miss uni the next day (after taking the day to catch up and prepare for lectures etc). I just don't know what to do. Its like he constantly needs me around, needs my attention... yet we both recognise and know that I need time for myself.

 

[nami nami]

I agree, I would just like to add some points from my experience. The only experience of PTSD i have is with my fiance, so these are some things I have learnt about him- I don't know if they are normal for PTSD, but this is what he exhibits.

1) When stress levels are high, the smallest things can tip him over the edge
2) From my experience, my sufferer finds it really hard to trust people- he keeps people at arms length so they can't let him down or hurt him
3) My sufferer can't forgive people easily when they don't live up to his very high expectations. He can't understand why his high expectations are 'wrong'. But he can't see that it is ok to expect a lot of people, but people make mistakes, and those mistakes are not a personal attack on him.
4) Whenever things go wrong, he goes back over other things in the distant past that have also gone wrong.
5) He makes very broad generalisations about things (eg. everyone just keeps letting me down, everytime things are going well something bad happens to me), but when I ask for examples he can rarely think of more than a couple.

I hope these things are what this thread is for, and not too specific.

Wow, that's EXACTLY what I experience!!!
@2) no trust: He has no friends and I am the only one he lets close (and his brother). I understand his view, but it makes it hard for me to find friends and I am concernend to introduce him to my old ones (who live far away) because I fear how he might react
@3) Totally agreed, one little comment of a former friend and he/she is out, everything is seen as a personal attack.
@5) I hate those generalizations...! Black or white, nothing in between. Even worse when my sufferer changes his view 180° and now it's white or black, there is no consistency and he knows it.

another thing is that my sufferer seems to have difficulties containing and coping with his frustration and anger in himself but vomits it out on me or he projects his anger and complexes on me and thinks I am the one being angry and looking down on him. What is it that makes him incapable to do inner work before exploding?

Does your sufferers have the feeling they need to be under control at all times?
when mine has outbreaks, all I can think of is leaving the house and oftentimes I do but also oftentimes he tries to lock the doors and prevent me from leaving as this would trigger an abandonment feeling in him...I can't stand it to be imprisoned (even for short periods when he only wants to talk about what happened) and it always takes some time for me to recover.

anyways, I am sure this had been said before in previous posts, but I just needed to write it down.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Hi name nami

I could very much relate to your posting, in particular about when your partner gets angry and you want to leave and are stopped from doing so. I have tried this myself and been stopped and even when my partner who has c-PTSD has calmed down he is still annoyed that I try to leave.

I have decided though that for my own wellbeing I am going to calmly set boundaries and tell him I will be leaving the house for a while until he calms down no matter what. I feel totally drained after his outbursts as I'm sure you do in similar circumstances.

We have a right to look after ourselves so don't worry about his abandonment issues, you are doing so much for him already but you need to do stuff to look after yourself too.

 

[_elizabeth_]

I have been living with my husband's PTSD for 8 years and so many of these symptoms are familiar territory here.

I can add:

1. In addition to crowds and loud places, my husband has difficulty sitting with his back exposed (ie. sitting at a table in a restaurant where people/servers can walk behind him or he can't see the door). Part of our regular date night routine is requesting a booth or a table in the corner/against a wall. This makes him feel more at ease when we're out together.

2. My husband has a hard time walking outside at night. When we take our dog for a walk in the evening, if we pass people he does not know, he will often look around for something like a rock or a stick he could use as a weapon if they were to attack us.

3. Sudden/loud noises like a motorcycle gunning its engine or a siren trigger him. He sometimes has an exaggerated startle response and he hates any kind of surprise.

4. When he is feeling anxious, he often returns to calming activities that sometimes seem childlike (watching cartoons or kids' movies, pulling a blanket or pillow over his head, playing video games or drawing, and drumming or rhythmic motions with his hands). He also finds sorting things like coins or different colored candy soothing.

5. During the most intense flashbacks (which he seems to have only a few times a year), he has sometimes experienced short term memory loss or has even become confused about things like what city we now live in or what year it is. He has occasionally blacked out and done things or gone places without remembering.

6. Certain times of the year are more difficult than others. My husband experienced his childhood trauma during warmer months so March or April until September are usually the hardest for him in terms of triggers.

7. It's taken me years to recognize this but right before he has a flashback, he will almost always say something really mean. It reminds me of the way a wounded animal might snap at someone who is trying to help them. Immediately after, he will freeze and I can see the far away expression and I know he's reliving something.

8. He has described his sort of catatonic/emotional withdrawal like this: "It's like being in a room with a window. I can see you through the window. I know you're there. But I can't come out because I'm scared. I feel safe in here." In therapy, he has talked about visualizing himself as the grown up and the child. The child wants to run around, screaming, throwing things, or crying because he feels afraid and out of control. The adult can hold the child's hand or tell him that it's okay if he needs to stay here and be safe, that he, the grown-up, can go out and take care of these other things. It's sort of a way of taking care of himself emotionally in situations where he can't afford to have a total breakdown (like at work).

9. Triggers change. Things that didn't used to bother him bother him now and the opposite is also true. While he and I both make an effort to avoid unnecessary exposure to triggering environments and events, we are both aware that entirely eliminating all triggers is impossible. I sometimes feel guilty for doing or saying things that end up triggering a flashback or anxiety attack but I am continuing to remind myself that it is not my responsibility, nor is it within my capability, to cure my husband's post-traumatic stress.

10. Social situations can be extremely difficult and so can making plans to spend time with other friends/groups. Fortunately, most of our close friends and family are aware of his PTSD and are very understanding. It can be difficult as a spouse to not feel the need to constantly excuse erratic or anti-social behavior and it can be disappointing and isolating to have to cancel plans when he has a flashback ten minutes before you were supposed to leave for a party or dinner or other event.

Sorry for the novel! These have just been some of my experiences.

 

[scorpio2012]

I just wanted to thank people for some awesome posts on this thread. I'm recovering from an awful relationship experience that just ended a few weeks ago. I wish I had seen this before, but at least I am educating myself, and I am understanding with greater clarity what happened to me was no isolated event, but shared by many others it seems.

I have issues of guilt knowing that since I didn't know much about PTSD and depression, I may have made things worse for him. I went through what many went/go through - the withdrawal, turning ant hill into a mole hill, exaggerating issues, not being able to deal with reality of situation, saying harsh things to a certain extent.

I think we both hurt each other.

We didn't yell and scream, but I felt like I was walking on egg shells. I asked him to share more with me about how his condition affected his behavior but it never was brought up in conversation. I tried to visit and get him to see me, but he refused, and now I feel helpless, hurt, and don't know what to do. Not sure if it is "truly" over or if I now go through what countless others go through - a waiting period for them to "come back" - my feelings and emotions have been on a roller coaster, and I feel drained.

My heart goes out to those who are dealing with loved ones suffering for years. For me this was a bit more than a year. He admitted his condition early on, but everything seemed OK until this summer and he just changed and became a different person. I still feel bewildered by this all. I pray for him every night, and I just want to hear from him, but I know its probably best to leave him completely alone and consider the relationship over. If he comes back or initiates contact, I'm not sure how I will react.

I keep wondering if I should reach out after a few months, or just completely let it go. Its all confusing. Because the more I think about it, I'm not sure if he really meant some of the stuff he said.