Discarded, something I have never "fessed" up to on this forum is my own personal "reaction" just three months after our separation. My sufferer moves in this other person almost immediately after my departure from our family home. We had joint financial obligations and I agreed to "give up my stake on our property providing he took care of A B and C bills along with a vehicle we had purchased together.
It should have been a clean break, it should have cleared my name, and I should have been able to "maintain" my lifestyle and push past the emotional hurt and carry on with my life. He, however, had other intentions. He set out to hurt me, emotionally, financially, and it wasn't just a little bit, it was more like "get down there and stay there" He cut off all communication and blamed me, blamed me for putting his hands on me, blamed me for taking him to the hospital, even blamed me for his lies at one point .
Three months in, I am being threatened with court because these things were not being taken care of. At this point, the car is still not refinanced. My name is still on all the paperwork for the house, and that skank (the other woman) is driving around town in my car? I don't think so. I'm on the hook for this stuff? Really? Okay! I drove there, I broke every window in the house (part of the bills I was still responsible for, "new windows") as well as the car and although I know it was bad judgement, I have never been so angry in my entire life, I have never felt more used, more walked on, more taken for granted by any other person I have ever known. It was liberating, but I don't advise it.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt because of who he had shown me he was up until that point, I still had hope, I still loved him and I thought, if the shoe were on the other foot, I would want somebody to give me a fair shake. Just because the relationship ended, doesn't mean I forget what you meant to my life! Yea, screw that nonsense, I learned that the hard way. Hindsight is always 20/20.
It takes two people to be in a relationship and had I had this understanding of PTSD when we first parted ways, I may have made a few different choices, I know better for next time. My point is, don't beat yourself up. Anger isn't unhealthy, I don't advise rage but I agree with everybody here, he has to hit bottom, he has to want help, and you have to understand that he may never do that and be prepared for what that means.
I have instincts, I knew that the "benefit of the doubt didn't coincide with healthy boundaries, I could have made different choices, I knew better but at the time, I didn't care about the risk. I knew the likelihood of him owning these promises when he had lied about all of the other stuff he had promised was not great but in the moment, I listened to my heart and it turned out to be a very expensive lesson I will never have to learn again. Such is life! We all have weak moments, things we question, things we might have changed from our past and so on.
I find it funny when I hear people talk about PTSD as they understand it (I come from a military family) but none of them have actually experienced it first hand, none of them know that PTSD isn't just about rage or intrusive thoughts, or nightmares. PTSD changes people on a fundamental level, and much like a natural disaster, it leaves nothing but devastation behind. Broken marriages, relationships, family, and financial ruin is the only thing I have seen in regards to a sufferer who refuses help and I can't even comprehend what it does to the sufferer. It took away my sense of self, my sense of purpose, everything about my life that I loved and completely flipped it upside down literally overnight! I can certainly empathize with how you might be feeling, I had a life I loved coming home to, I had four years of really great memories and I feared everyday that I gave up too easily, I should've pushed harder, blah blah blah! It wouldn't have worked, he needs to go through this, and he chose to do it without me, for whatever reason. I will tell you it does get better with time, with the things I read, and the people I talk to about PTSD, my therapist, etc. I held onto the guilt for a long time, I teetered on whether my actions were selfish or healthy (a little of both I suppose). Ultimately, it played out exactly how it was supposed to and I really don't question too much anymore, but I am working on forgiving myself for my part, you will get there!
