The Dreaded End-of-year Three Week Break

[piratelady]

My stomach is already in knots at the thought of it. I don't think he'll be praising me about my progress over the last few weeks, that's for sure, seeing as I've made none.

 

[Abstract]

You survived and that is something you can be proud about. You are also going back to therapy even though you are afraid. :tup:

 

[Pencil]

Its all the unspoken stuff that really messes with our heads isn't it.

Indeed

 

[Hashi]

Good luck to everyone seeing their therapists today!!

Awwww, thanks! I needed it.

How lovely that you posted this and were thinking about us.

I have really appreciated your support with this, and everyone else's - thank you! It has meant a lot.

My stomach is already in knots at the thought of it.

Yes me too. I had full blown anxiety by the time I got there, I was shaking and wanted to run away. I couldn't put a conscious worry to it, though. But my T was lovely, and I'm going to be following up with Sailorgal about those ways to stop people from leaving... ;)

piratelady, I hope your T was compassionate and helpful. We're all of us just doing the best we can.

MsSpock and anyone else who went back today - I hope it was OK.

If anyone's still waiting - I feel for you, and send you all my good thoughts. If you''re missing your T, they must be helping you and I'm glad for that at least. I know the waiting's horrible, but please post here if it helps - thread still open! - I'm listening and I send you every good wish to get through the remaining time.

 

[Pencil]

It helps to see that I am not alone in the struggles I have in therapy.

And the struggles are just too much - it feels like living in a massive double bind, and I can simply not do it. Too screwed up for therapy, I guess.

 

[Pencil]

I am in awe of all of you who can actually make therapy work :wideeyed:

 

[quaintpapercut]

Too screwed up for therapy, I guess.

Hi Pencil - I'm sorry you feel this way but I also understand. I've only been on a therapy break since before the holidays and its been a very difficult time. Three weeks of no therapy has almost seamlessly turned me back to my former thought patterns. Very quickly my world becomes distorted by my symptoms and a life that I built and wanted suddenly feels suffocating. The urge to burn the whole lot down (being my relationship, therapy, working on my "stuff") and return to how I used to function is very strong right now. Not because its better or easier but because its familiar as I've lived my entire life that way. This break has taught me that this is hard work and it has to be consistent and regular in order to be of any help. I'm surprised at how quickly, after 8 months of twice a week therapy, I regressed.

All that to say that I don't have any words of wisdom or hope but just wanted to somehow let you know that your not alone and that I feel the same way to.

 

[piratelady]

Therapy went better than I expected. As usual he found positive things from the past few weeks, where I could not. There were almost tears, but I kept it under control. I really don't like crying where people can see me.

 

[maddog]

Huge congrats to everyone who made it through the break and hit pay dirt with their first sessions yesterday. I was thinking of you all, meant to post my own good luck wishes, got confused re time zone differences... etc.

Thanks for remembering those of us still waiting Hashi, that meant a lot. Mine isn't back for another almost 3 weeks and right now... right now that's bad.

I just did something I'm very ashamed of and texted him, asked him to call me. I can't decide what feels worse - the shame of having collapsed and called him when I have no right to and had promised myself I wouldn't, or the fear that he mightn't call me back, or the fear of what I'm going to say if he does, or the knowledge that even if he does, it will be a brief contact only, and there's still another 3 weeks...

This is harder than it has any right to be. I feel terrible.

Maddog

 

[piratelady]

I think it's good you reached out to him, Maddog. Maybe he can offer some insight to make the next three weeks a bit more manageable. :hug:

 

[Hashi]

Maddog, you have a really long break. I have no idea how I'd cope with something like that. In the old days I'd have switched off completely, probably, but I find that having opened up and trusted my therapist I can't numb from that now. During the break, the lack of going to see her felt almost like a palpable thing in itself, if that makes any sense.

I honestly think it's reasonable that you texted him. I think any therapist has a level of responsibility towards their clients that means they're no longer in a position to take five or six weeks off in the same way as someone in a different profession. From what you've said before, occasional contact is his expectation, and I think it's only ethical to have that over such a long break at this stage in your therapy.

I can't decide what feels worse - the shame of having collapsed and called him when I have no right to and had promised myself I wouldn't, or the fear that he mightn't call me back, or the fear of what I'm going to say if he does, or the knowledge that even if he does, it will be a brief contact only, and there's still another 3 weeks...

I think you did have a right to. I'd go further and say that I think you had a responsibility to. A responsibility towards him as much as towards yourself. During the break, he's dependent on you to monitor how you're doing and take appropriate action, because he can't do that from where he is. Sending him a text and asking for a call is completely appropriate.

I know you found it hard to communicate during the last session before the holiday, understandably, because of how difficult things were emotionally. Can you plan something to say and note it down to refer to when he calls? I'd suggest in particular that you try not to spend most of the time apologising for contacting him. I imagine this might easily happen, but one sincere statement at the beginning that you're sorry to interrupt his time, and then once again at the end, is enough. Maybe if you had something written down and prepared, it could help?

Do you think you might be able to ask him for something which would help you get through the next three weeks, such as a weekly email, text or phone call from him, on a specified day? For me, being uncertain about when or if I'd have contact would in some ways make things worse. Maybe you could phrase it in a way that wouldn't mean rejection if he can't do that much, such as asking whether his schedule could allow for a little arranged contact - whether that's weekly, or a couple of times or just once during the remaining time - and leave it to him to decide about that.

At the very least, I'd explain how difficult you're finding it and ask for his suggestions on practical steps for coping. You may have already had that discussion, but I think it's worth having it again, to see what he says.

I'm really sorry for how hard it is to get through the time. I know that I feel so unsettled the whole time, I'm always in a kind of half limbo whatever else I try to do. I think all we can do is try to practise good self care and not be hard on ourselves. That includes accepting that you needed to contact him. I understand how difficult it is to contact someone on their holiday, but you have done the right thing.

Sending lots and lots of suppport to you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Like Ayasha, I want to see her but I really don't want to talk

I picture myself sitting in my therapists office not being able to say a word.

I would dread going to therapy. It would be horrid. I had to text my friends in the waiting room not to bolt. My therapist told me that all I had to do was keep coming. I can do that. I can get in my car and go. I don't think about anything but driving there and walking in. It makes it somewhat easier that way.