I've been aware of my husband's PTS symptoms, or combat stress, or whatever we want to call it, for the past two years. We've been together almost 6 years and will celebrate our 4th anniversary on July 4th. I knew he was a hothead and had trust and attachment issues before we got married, but for the first 3 years together, he was an amazing partner - fun, outgoing, flirty, sexy, romantic. Then he deployed and a few months after he returned, I discovered his online/offline chronic infidelity. He promised to stop, we saw a chaplain and attended a Marine Corps marriage retreat, he apologized and I gave him a pass with the stipulation that if it happened again, the consequences would be serious. He refused to see a marriage counselor with me, so I started to see one on my own.
She opened my eyes and within a month of his next deployment, less than a year after his last one, I discovered more chronic infidelity. Now we started to discuss sex addiction and PTS because he said he tried to stop but couldn't (he has an online ritual aspect that goes to offline sex). He refused to believe he could have PTS even though he's an infantry combat veteran. During his deployment, he would vacillate between shutting down and saying he'd do whatever it takes to make our marriage work and that failure was not an option. But when he returned from deployment, everything was great for one week - as soon as his family left, so did he. He packed up and moved out.
He's been living in a apartment 45 miles away for the past 8 months - the same duration as the deployment and the Marine Corps limit on how long you can expect Marines to need space as part of their "reintegration" process. Nice. I did convince him to finally see a therapist for himself and he confirmed he "scored a 10" on the PTS diagnosis test and has a "behavior problem" with infidelity but it's not an addiction because it's not listed as such in the psychiatric directory of diagnoses (yet, but it will likely be added to the next edition according to my therapist). He was my fun-loving husband for one weekend after his one and only counseling session. Then he refused to go to any more sessions (he had committed to 12) and said he is not taking the counselor's advice but won't tell me what that is. He is often angry, rude, screaming "I hate you," "I don't want to be married to you" and "Leave me alone!" on the rare occasions we talk by phone.
He's mad that I turned to his immediate family and mine when I discovered his infidelity a second time and started to learn about PTS and sex addiction because I felt he needed someone other than me to tell him to get some help. He isolates and lives on his computer, living in a fantasy world with dozens of women that he has emotional online/offline love affairs with. He told me the sex is meaningless but now he says divorcing me is "the right thing to do" and he can never make me happy because he can't be faithful to me. I'm in the same camp as a few others here - learning as best I can to detach with love, encourage him to continue to seek counseling, letting him know I love him but giving him the space he needs.
He denies he has any issues and says "I'm just not the marrying type" yet he married me and I know he loves me but can't be in a traditional relationship and the expectations that come with that. I believe he's afraid to try because he doesn't want to fail again. Ego. Pride. Such a shame. I am working on taking care of myself - yoga, running, a new job, my family. I also joined a group therapy for betrayed spouses. Sponsored by the Marine Corps. Interesting because the other 3 women have civilian husbands who put themselves in therapy and they want to stay married. Mine doesn't. So, I guess I have to heed the advice above and tell myself it may or may NOT be due to his PTS. He may just not want to be married to me. Time to move on but love him and pray for him always.
